Monday, September 12, 2011

Vent

Okay,

i haven't had a vent post in a while, so watch out. Here i go.

First of let me say a couple of things, be advised. my head is kinda all over the place so this post will too.

Were in September and Joshua's birthday is coming up....Oct 7. Wow he is going to be 2 years old. can you believe it ? I really can't. This year i have decided that i will NOT mourn his birthday i WILL celebrate. Because of his birth, because of him, some beautiful things have happened no only in my life but everyone's life who were touched by him. Now---- just because i will not mourn his death doesn't mean this day isn't going to bring me pain, memories that make me sad, & be a difficult day, what i mean by celebrate his birthday is i would like to spread his name, his story, his legacy, which in my eyes is, he came to earth to show love, determination, & how much ONE person ONE baby can affect so many people.

Sunday My brother in law brought me the container filled with joshua's clothes & everyday things he used in the NICU. The one Container i have here at the house was filled with clothes that was waiting for him here at home, some still had the tags,& therefor i really don't hold AS much as an attachment to them. now THIS container like i said is filled with his everyday things. I had not seen these items in over a year. She made a quilt of joshy's favorite hats,socks, & bibs but she wasn't able to make one out of his clothes so she sent it back on sunday. *sigh* i wish she would of been able to keep it longer . I opened the tub and BAM everything hit all at once. There was his clothes & items, even some pictures the nurses had made for him that i completely forgot we had . Just like that i went back to feeling like crap. and this is when i realized something ,

With time, with natty, i have been able to subside/hide/forgot about the feeling i feel when i think about joshy. Or when i see something that reminds me of his. I realized yes the pain was getting easier, yes the pain was morphing into something else. Truth it what has and was happening is i learned how to avoid that pain. i tucked it away and although i talk about josh EVERYDAY the pain, the hurt, that's kept away and forgotten, thats the way i get through,

This post is all ready going all over the place but just deal with it,

I really fucking hate that people think that i dont no longer miss josh because i have natalia, i hate the fucking fact that my mom treats me like im a first time mom, i hate that in most ways I AM A FIRST TIME mom, a first time regular mom that is.

Natalia is not a replacement, she is our daughter, she has brought us JOY! HAPPINESS! LAUGHTER! I love her more then anyone will ever be able to understand. I can say when i was pregnant with her i was in love with her, but cautious because i knew SOOO many things could go wrong so i kept a distance. Small, but it was there. Now i can say i am IN LOVE WITH NATTY! Her big brother choose a perfect daughter for us .


=====moving on ======

see i told you it was going to be all over the place .I'm trying to figure out who I AM!

I AM - AN ANGEL MAN
I-AM - A MOM
I-AM - A PREEMIE MOM
I-AM - A TERMIE MOM
I-AM - ABOUT TO BE 26 AND I STILL DONT KNOW WHO "I" AM........


having joshy early, then the nicu, then his death, then getting pregnant ,.......i never had time to concentrate on WHO AM I ?

I LOVE LOVE MY KIDS! but everything in the last two three years has sourrounded my kids. I DONT KNOW WHO I AM ANYMORE!! i know this will probably take a lot more years to figure out & but sometime i think what is my purpose here, how is it i am supposed to leave my mark in this world. ----something happened last night as i was writing this whole speel. I logged onto my Babycenter account (if you have been following my story you know babycenter was my safe haven, that's where i met my preemie moms, & that's where i found a sense of security with my whole pregnancy & nicu time with joshy) i had a message from a lady who got directed towards me, she didn't say by who just said she had twin boys 24 weekers (i wont mention their names for privacy reasons) baby M passed away at 9 weeks old and baby B passed away only a couple of hours after his birth. Hmmm was the universe sending me a message ? Is this what i'm supposed to be doing ? helping angel nicu mom's ? It felt right, so i responded with a long not at directed her to my facebook because i hardly ever check my baby center account, but for some reason i did & there was the message she had send just the day prior. coincidence while i am going through this whole "what should i do? who am i" deal ? i think not. Everything happens for a reason, so today (i started this post last night but couldn't finish) i have woken up with a new sense of direction. A new sense of empowerment, I don't want 26 to just be another year, i want it to be the the year where i helped people in their time of grieve or their time in the NICU or maybe by continuing to even update my blog more often i am helping someone right now and not even know it. Joshua is my motivation, i want to keep his memory alive, i want his legacy to be that of love. I want his sister to be proud to know her big brother made such an impact in his short life.

Moving along with Natalia,

Oh natty, what can i say about my little girl. She is precious and perfect in every single way (but hey what parent doesn't think that =P ) I can say i am IN love with my daughter. I don't know if this is true for all parents but of course i loved natty the moment i saw her, but i wasn't IN love with her. I couldn't be, i didn't know her. In these past 5 months i have got to know her, her likes, dislikes, her attitude (yes i believe she can start showing her nature this young) her overall being, and i am head over heels in love with this little girl. She is my motivation. She has her WHOLE family wrapped around her chunky little finger. In having a rainbow i didn't know how much it would affect not only me and jonathan but our entire family, our sisters, and the grandparents. She has brought back JOY into our lives & if we have one problem with her right now (besides her teething lol) is that she has so much love that sometimes people will get jealous that she's spending to much time with another member of the family then with them, what a wonderful problem to have don't you think ?

well i have some other stuff to post about but i want to get all my thought's straight before i do. Oh & before i forget Natty went to visit her big brother for the very first time, that is a post in itself why we waited so long, and how the day was. I have video and a TON of pictures but my USB connection to my camera broke so i am not able to upload them now i do have one from jonathan's iphone though.





And also Natty was in a contest for cutest kid in a photographer page & guess what she won! we did the shoot two weekends ago and so far have gotten two sneak peek photos, they are turning out beautiful! Of course we had to have big brother monkey join in one of the pictures, i will post them when we get all of them. So for now this is all. maybe i'll do a photo bomb post (just post a bunch of pictures of what's been happening around the house) that should be fun! and also. i will be posting the details on how i would like for you guys to help me celebrate joshy's birthday.

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