Monday, May 7, 2012

Vent...

I really wish i didn't only come here to vent but today i really need it. I'll try to end it in a good note.

Where to start.R

Ever since i lost Joshua one thing that i have heard over and over and OVER again is "you have to let him go,you can't keep being sad over him or he won't rest in peace"  I can not begin to explain how much i hate this phrase! I HATE IT ..... uhhh my head is all over the place that i'm trying to gather my thoughts so this post will make some sense.

My family is a very spirtitual family, my mom reads tarot cards and is able to communicate with the dead, my sister the same. When they have masses here at the house i stay upstairs with natty because i know i will hear the famous phrase. if i am a part of the mass. However they always manage to tell me what they think,, That i'm not fully happy but i am so involved with keeping joshy's memory alive ......What is it people WANT? they want me to forgot i had a sun and since i have natty everything is perfect ? OBVIOUSLY  they have never lost a child ........they tell me you have to move on ? REALLY ? did you carry joshy six months in your belly on bedrest going to countless dr.appts with hope my son would come home, Did they spend six months in the NICU EVERYDAY TILL 12 OR 1 learning all the nicu terms and praying that your son would come home.

where i am gettting at is what you mean by move on ??? pretend nothing happened if it wasn't for joshy natty would not be here,. He is a part of my/our life  and will be forever ! you can not tell me to just let him go!! HE'S MY SON, HE'S MY FIRST BORN HE'S MY BABY! HE'S MY JOSHUA!!

I really hate it that sometimes people tell you have a daughter, she's BEAUTIFUL, smart, she's funny, why do you still think about joshy, you have natty here you should concentrate on her, I FUCKING DO!

NO body has any idea what its like to have to wake up or go to bed  and your last thoughts are your dead son. not because you can't let him go but because he's a part of you forever ! i WILL NEVER EVER NEVER not talk about him, because of him i now realize what i want to do with my life. please don't tell me i'm hurting natty by not letting him go. how in the world is that happening, natty is the light of my life, she has manged to somehow mend my broken heart and allowed me to smile, laugh, ENJOY, and not feel guilty., If me talking about joshua, or everything i do in his name is a  problem to you then just don't pay attention, look away or change the subject i just want to make this clear '

I will never stop talking about him, or making donations in his honor or walking in his honor by doing that am i not let him rest in peace ? i don't get it!!!!!!!!!!!!! and 'm fucking tired of it SERIOUSLY I HAVE HAD IT !  Do you want to talk to me about my son and learn about him LETS TALK!!!! but do you want to judge me about how i do all these things to keep his memory alive ? then FUCK OFF!!!!!! 

I PRAY AND HOPE YOU WILL NEVER KNOW WHAT IT'S LIKE TO LOSE A SON OR DAUGHTER BECAUSE THEN YOU WILL GET IT!