Monday, May 23, 2016

Here we are

It's been a while as usual, but here I sit typing after just having finished my final for Math and realizing i'm almost done with my first year back in college. Two more finals and its official. WHAT?! I have so many emotions going on and it's a little overwhelming which is why I decided to come to my safe haven and try to figure out why I'm feeling so....I don't even know how to describe it.

For reference my sophomore year of high school I dropped out and went straight to get my GED. High school was not for me. I spend the two years I was involved in high school partying and using the campus as a meet up for friends. I took maybe the first quarter of freshmen year seriously and everything from there on out was nothing. If I think back any formal education I last received was from 8th grade. I passed my GED on the first attempt with above average scores, (Not for math) which was surprising to say the least.

Here I am a 30 year old mother going back to college and I had no idea I would enjoy it as much as I am. It has been challenging beyond belief, but the enthusiasm to learn has remained and has carried me thus far and gosh is it rewarding. I know there is such a long road to go, but knowing that I have a year under my belt is indescribable. Life is changing and moving forward and I feel like I'm finally in tune with it. My whole life I have felt like I was swimming against the path that I was supposed to head down. There's been times I didn't even realize there was a path and I was just floating about getting by and letting myself just lay without heading anywhere. I use the term lay both figuratively and literally because depression most days have indeed been spent laying down, but somehow in the middle of my grieving I found this path, my path and it feels amazing walking in it. Gosh does it feel amazing.

As we head into summer I'm looking forward to spending time off of school, but looking forward to the Fall semester. This is our last summer before Natalia officially becomes a full time student as well. She's graduating pre-k June-18th and starts Kinder Aug. Time is moving so quickly for us in regard to her. I feel like she was just born and now she's starting kinder! She's so talkative and outgoing, the complete opposite of me and I'm so happy about that. As a girl I know she's more likely to carry my gene of psychological problems so the fact her personality is complete opposite than mine gives me hope she'll never have to face those demons. I would hate myself if that's one of the things she inherits from me. She's so full of life and eager to get her day started as soon as she wakes up. I can't imagine our life without her and I thank Joshy everyday that he choose her for us. She's growing up to be such an amazing little girl. Here are some updated pictures of us including one of me and Natty for Joshua's angelversary that just passed. She talks about how her big brother lives in heaven and is able to verbalize that she has a brother when asked. So to finalize this post, we've come a LONG way from when I first started this blog and the journey to here wasn't what we envisioned, but we're finding a way to find light in spite of everything. It has taken a while, but we're headed there. Where ever there is.....

 For Natalia's 5th birthday we surprised her with a trip to Disneyland. Here's the video of it :)

It's crazy to think this is where we've ended up. When I first started this blog is was to document my pregnancy with Joshua, then it emerged to document his life while in the NICU and now it's turn to this....What surviving child loss looks like. I never thought years later I would still be writing here and I especially did not know if I was still going to be here to write after Josh passed. I didn't want to be here, I didn't want to live this life, but somehow I've survived and continue to do so. This is my journey. This is our journey, every important milestone has been documented here and I hope to continue to do so. I will continue to do so! What a roller coaster it's been so far, but here we are. 

Friday, January 15, 2016

New year 2016

Happy new year!
Wow. I can't believe it's 2016. Looking back to when I started this blog I can't believe how far it's kept going. My only wish is I would have more time to actually blog. One day I keep saying, but the truth is I'll never blog as often as I wish or as I once did.

I'm on school break right now and go back January 25th. School has been so great for me. It has been difficult, but oh so rewarding. I have never felt like I was going towards something in life until now. In Psychology I learned about Maslow's Hierarchy of needs and everything made sense. While listening to the lecture my professor was giving about each level and how a person can't fulfill their higher purpose until each need is met was, it was life changing. I know that might seem like an exaggeration but it's not. All of the sudden things made sense.

Anyways, that's where I'm at as far as school. In other new's I had upper eyelid surgery in both my eyelids to lift them. I have a lazy right eye that was starting to interfere with my vision and my surgeon decided it would be best to lift both of them. I had the surgery on Jan 6th. The surgery served as a big reminder. I'm ok being in a hospital setting as long as I'm there taking care of someone and not the patient. The surgery was done in the operating room and I was to receive enough med's to just make me "relaxed" but that didn't go so well. I was in the pre op area with my nurse Melissa who was just absolutely wonderful. I told her I was going to school to pursue nursing and she gave me some "tricks" to putting in an IV. I even shared the story about Joshua and she told me about how her friend experienced something similar. The pre-op scene was going great. I wasn't worried or nervous. In fact the nurse and surgeon joked Jonathan looked more nervous than I did like he was getting surgery. All was well and the anesthesiologist came and put the cocktail med's in my IV. I said bye to Jonathan and they wheeled me down to the OR and that my friends is when my beloved PTSD kicked in. I'm not sure if it was a mix of the med's or being wheeled into an OR room again and seeing those big bright lights shining down. They positioned me and everything started rushing back. The birth of Joshua and everything that came with it. All of it. I told the anesthesiologist if the meds would help with anxiety and he said yes they should. He asked if I suffered from anxiety and I began breathing harder. I seriously felt like running out. The meds started kicking in by this point but not enough to keep me from feeling like I couldn't breath and wanting to start sobbing. I told him I did suffer from anxiety and PTSD then then the nurse informed him it was in my records I suffered from panic attacks. He walked on over and who know's what he gave me because I remember the nurse asking me if I felt better and I remember trying to answer back but not being able to then I remember nothing. I woke up in Post Op with J holding my hands and the nurse explaining to him they had to "knock me out" Once I came to he asked if I was ok. First thing I said was I couldn't handle it. It reminded me of and I didn't have to finish the sentence because Jonathan finished it for me.

It has been a bit hard since then. I have buried certain memories and feeling in order to function. In order to survive and in one second all those feelings came back. I'm using these days to re-compose myself. I know it might seem crazy that I'm pursuing a career to hopefully one day lead me to the NICU but it's completely different. I feel comfortable being in a medical setting. Just not as a patient. I want to help and take care of people. This is my path of that I'm certain. January 25th I will began another stepping stone in my journey.