Monday, May 23, 2016

Here we are

It's been a while as usual, but here I sit typing after just having finished my final for Math and realizing i'm almost done with my first year back in college. Two more finals and its official. WHAT?! I have so many emotions going on and it's a little overwhelming which is why I decided to come to my safe haven and try to figure out why I'm feeling so....I don't even know how to describe it.

For reference my sophomore year of high school I dropped out and went straight to get my GED. High school was not for me. I spend the two years I was involved in high school partying and using the campus as a meet up for friends. I took maybe the first quarter of freshmen year seriously and everything from there on out was nothing. If I think back any formal education I last received was from 8th grade. I passed my GED on the first attempt with above average scores, (Not for math) which was surprising to say the least.

Here I am a 30 year old mother going back to college and I had no idea I would enjoy it as much as I am. It has been challenging beyond belief, but the enthusiasm to learn has remained and has carried me thus far and gosh is it rewarding. I know there is such a long road to go, but knowing that I have a year under my belt is indescribable. Life is changing and moving forward and I feel like I'm finally in tune with it. My whole life I have felt like I was swimming against the path that I was supposed to head down. There's been times I didn't even realize there was a path and I was just floating about getting by and letting myself just lay without heading anywhere. I use the term lay both figuratively and literally because depression most days have indeed been spent laying down, but somehow in the middle of my grieving I found this path, my path and it feels amazing walking in it. Gosh does it feel amazing.

As we head into summer I'm looking forward to spending time off of school, but looking forward to the Fall semester. This is our last summer before Natalia officially becomes a full time student as well. She's graduating pre-k June-18th and starts Kinder Aug. Time is moving so quickly for us in regard to her. I feel like she was just born and now she's starting kinder! She's so talkative and outgoing, the complete opposite of me and I'm so happy about that. As a girl I know she's more likely to carry my gene of psychological problems so the fact her personality is complete opposite than mine gives me hope she'll never have to face those demons. I would hate myself if that's one of the things she inherits from me. She's so full of life and eager to get her day started as soon as she wakes up. I can't imagine our life without her and I thank Joshy everyday that he choose her for us. She's growing up to be such an amazing little girl. Here are some updated pictures of us including one of me and Natty for Joshua's angelversary that just passed. She talks about how her big brother lives in heaven and is able to verbalize that she has a brother when asked. So to finalize this post, we've come a LONG way from when I first started this blog and the journey to here wasn't what we envisioned, but we're finding a way to find light in spite of everything. It has taken a while, but we're headed there. Where ever there is.....



 For Natalia's 5th birthday we surprised her with a trip to Disneyland. Here's the video of it :)



It's crazy to think this is where we've ended up. When I first started this blog is was to document my pregnancy with Joshua, then it emerged to document his life while in the NICU and now it's turn to this....What surviving child loss looks like. I never thought years later I would still be writing here and I especially did not know if I was still going to be here to write after Josh passed. I didn't want to be here, I didn't want to live this life, but somehow I've survived and continue to do so. This is my journey. This is our journey, every important milestone has been documented here and I hope to continue to do so. I will continue to do so! What a roller coaster it's been so far, but here we are.