Monday, August 9, 2010

Feeling alone.

For the last couple of weeks i've been feeling alone. I have a wonderful group of people i have met that are mom's to angel's and their support is amazing and their words kind, but all of them lost their baby's at a couple of days old, or while in utero, of course my situation is different, joshy was six months old, i had got to know him for a year, six month while in my belly and six month's after birth, he had a personality, he had likes and dislikes. I'm in no way saying my pain is more severe then these parent's im just saying it's different. We had spend six months in the NICU with always hope of bringing him home, and we were so close, one foot in the NICU one out. I still don't know how he got so sick, i know all the dr's blame it on the prematurity, yes he was small, but he had over come so many obstacles, his last, eating, finally on full feeds after six months, off everything, and then over night become so sick and two day's later pass away. Is there something i missed ? did something happen in the hours me and jonathan were away from the NICU sleeping that got him sick? There i go with the what if's, i know they only make things worse because let's say something did happen, it wouldn't bring joshy back. I can't believe my little boy fought so hard to live, to just have to leave, i hate hearing "well his prematurity lead him to so many problems" or " well there was something not right with him from the start that's why your blood came back so abnormal" blah blah BLAH!! i guess with joshy's birthday coming up, thinking he should of been turning one, and we should of been planning this big halloween costume party, instead i'm excited about when his tombstone should be arriving, how sick.
well last week i ask jonathan where was his memory box the hospital had made for joshy the day he passed, with his footprint handprint lock of hair, well his told me my stepdad had hiddin it in the china cabbinet downstairs, i guess i thought i was ready to see it,well of course i go downstairs and open the cabbinet door and i see the box but in front of it, joshy's favorite blanky, you know in the movies where they show someone looking at something and the show the scenes of what that person remembers about that object, well that's what happend, i remembered the last time i held joshua with that blanket, i closed the door thinking started crying and ran upstairs. obviously im still not ready to look at some stuff, which i dont get because i have a memory box right next to my nightstand with joshua's first outfit, it was preemie outfit and it was so big on him, he looked so cute, it had a matching bib that had little dinasours and said snugglasorous, in it is also a micro preemie diaper and the size diaper he used when he passed away, along with his first binky and the little googles they put on his eyes to not harm them from the billi lights when he was born. I have looked at those stuff a dozen times since he passed but with a smile, yet somehow when i saw his blanky it brought me back to a dark place.

Monday, August 2, 2010

The good the bad the ugly, and the hope.

Okay so again it has been a while since i posted, i wasn't having very good days but i have learned they come and go, it's all a process. On saturday me and jonathan went to buy some In&Out burgers and went to go have lunch with joshy, it was a very good day, i felt so at peace just me,jonathan,and joshy having lunch, with no beeps or alarms going off like in the NICU although you would be surprised how six months in the NICU well make you get used to the beeping it's "normal" i miss my normal, i miss scrubbing down and stocking up on anti-bacterial, each day is another day joshy has been gone, and i miss him so much, but it is another day that he hasn't been poked or tested for something new. You see joshy's NICU stay was not easy,no NICU stay is, but it was eventful to say the least, we went through the dr's thinking joshy had cystic fibrosis, to him somehow catching pneumonia at the end he got so sick this is what took him, he just wasn't strong enough, he survived NEC, got re-connected but his little lungs had just suffered to much. We were so close to getting out but GOD had other plans, like i have said in previous post joshua amazed the dr's since in the womb and through his six months of life amazed all his dr's and nurses and most of all his family. He was a warrior. I guess i'm starting to realize that joshua had a purpose in life and was in this world for six months but full filled his life mission, how amzing was he! I was talking to one of my preemie moms last week and she was telling me in her religion when i child dies before the age of eight it's because they were to beautiful to be here on earth. I think this is true for joshy. He was to amazing. I know joshua's place is never going to be taken, and i will forever think everyday about what joshy would be doing today, but in road to healing me and jonathan have discussed future children, we have had our appt with our perinatologist and he has giving us the go ahead. During lunch with joshy we talked to him and let him know he had very special mission he was going to get to chose his future brother or sister and i know he will chose the perfect one. I have been reading a blog of a mom who lost her 16 month old maddie like joshy she was born premature and her lungs were not strong, very suddenly she caught a respiratory virus and was not strong enough to get through it, she was 16months old, three weeks later after losing her she found out she was pregnant. She was scared to tell her family and friends because she thought they were going to think she was trying to replace maddie. She's a very amazing mom and through reading her blog you can see she is very happy with her new baby girl BUT her and her husband still grieve the lost of their daughter here's her site not sure where this journey will go i do know everyday i will miss joshy just the same, when he feels it's time he will send us a special little person and that special little person will know that his/her older brother was amazing, he/she will see pictures visit the NICU to meet all of joshua's nurses and friends and walk in the mmarch of dimes in honer of his/her brother.So does this mean im in a special place where all the sudden the pain is gone NO WAY! does this mean im ready to move on NO WAY! does this mean im ready to ready to replace joshy NO FREAKING WAY JOSHUA WILL NEVER BE REPLACED!!!! this does mean that jonathan and i have so much love to give we want to share our love, that joshua showed us we can be great parents, and that we love joshua so much we want to give him a sibling.

Joshy, who will you chose ? i imagine you with little glasses in heaven taken applications, asking a list of questions and bragging about your mommy and daddy and that it's your job to chose the best candidate, i see you having a line of applicants and knowing you thinking nope i dont think i found a great fit for mom and dad yet. =) who will you choose joshy ?

i just had to share these very adorable pictures of joshua's little cousin ishi visiting him yesterday.