The good the bad the ugly, and the hope.

Okay so again it has been a while since i posted, i wasn't having very good days but i have learned they come and go, it's all a process. On saturday me and jonathan went to buy some In&Out burgers and went to go have lunch with joshy, it was a very good day, i felt so at peace just me,jonathan,and joshy having lunch, with no beeps or alarms going off like in the NICU although you would be surprised how six months in the NICU well make you get used to the beeping it's "normal" i miss my normal, i miss scrubbing down and stocking up on anti-bacterial, each day is another day joshy has been gone, and i miss him so much, but it is another day that he hasn't been poked or tested for something new. You see joshy's NICU stay was not easy,no NICU stay is, but it was eventful to say the least, we went through the dr's thinking joshy had cystic fibrosis, to him somehow catching pneumonia at the end he got so sick this is what took him, he just wasn't strong enough, he survived NEC, got re-connected but his little lungs had just suffered to much. We were so close to getting out but GOD had other plans, like i have said in previous post joshua amazed the dr's since in the womb and through his six months of life amazed all his dr's and nurses and most of all his family. He was a warrior. I guess i'm starting to realize that joshua had a purpose in life and was in this world for six months but full filled his life mission, how amzing was he! I was talking to one of my preemie moms last week and she was telling me in her religion when i child dies before the age of eight it's because they were to beautiful to be here on earth. I think this is true for joshy. He was to amazing. I know joshua's place is never going to be taken, and i will forever think everyday about what joshy would be doing today, but in road to healing me and jonathan have discussed future children, we have had our appt with our perinatologist and he has giving us the go ahead. During lunch with joshy we talked to him and let him know he had very special mission he was going to get to chose his future brother or sister and i know he will chose the perfect one. I have been reading a blog of a mom who lost her 16 month old maddie like joshy she was born premature and her lungs were not strong, very suddenly she caught a respiratory virus and was not strong enough to get through it, she was 16months old, three weeks later after losing her she found out she was pregnant. She was scared to tell her family and friends because she thought they were going to think she was trying to replace maddie. She's a very amazing mom and through reading her blog you can see she is very happy with her new baby girl BUT her and her husband still grieve the lost of their daughter here's her site not sure where this journey will go i do know everyday i will miss joshy just the same, when he feels it's time he will send us a special little person and that special little person will know that his/her older brother was amazing, he/she will see pictures visit the NICU to meet all of joshua's nurses and friends and walk in the mmarch of dimes in honer of his/her brother.So does this mean im in a special place where all the sudden the pain is gone NO WAY! does this mean im ready to move on NO WAY! does this mean im ready to ready to replace joshy NO FREAKING WAY JOSHUA WILL NEVER BE REPLACED!!!! this does mean that jonathan and i have so much love to give we want to share our love, that joshua showed us we can be great parents, and that we love joshua so much we want to give him a sibling.

Joshy, who will you chose ? i imagine you with little glasses in heaven taken applications, asking a list of questions and bragging about your mommy and daddy and that it's your job to chose the best candidate, i see you having a line of applicants and knowing you thinking nope i dont think i found a great fit for mom and dad yet. =) who will you choose joshy ?

i just had to share these very adorable pictures of joshua's little cousin ishi visiting him yesterday.