Sunday, November 6, 2011

Natalia's first halloween

Natty's first Halloween was perfect.

We took her around the block and to be honest i think me and jonathan were most excited to get candy since she had no idea what was going on.

Then we sat her on her ladybug/caterpillar rocker and she had a blast seeing all the kids come over to her and tell her how adorable she was lol
With Daddy
She was having so much fun that she wanted to try to eat a lollipop

Her first trick or treat

At this point she was a pro =)

Friday, November 4, 2011

My calling

These last couple of weeks i've been feeling the weight of the world on my shoulders.

Not sure why i'm feeling so down or why i feel certain feeling of grief that had been 'resolved' in my eyes are coming back.

I've been open about my issues with depression here, i feel it coming back but in a different way. Now i wonder if it's depression or Post traumatic Stress Disorder mixed in with my anxiety issues & deppresion, plus panic attacks and you have yourself a very unbalanced feeling women over here.

I really feel that i have come a long way with dealing with what's happened in the last two years with out seeking help. Well i take that back because i was actually seeing a psychologist for the first two months after joshy's death but decided i could deal with my issues on my own. I still feel that way in a sense, but i think it would help me to talk to someone about everything new that seems to be going on now.

I am a rainbow mom, and a mom to angel.

I am trying to parent natty while still holding on and keeping joshy's memory alive plus i think i'm finally starting to see the long term trauma that comes along with having gone through the NICU roller coaster. I feel my mind going to everything that happened and thinking 'did that actually happen' ? Did we really go through six month's in the NICU and come out with out our son ? Was my first pregnancy everything other then a what a first time mom expects ?

I'm really good about seeing what it is that sets off my 'triggers' and with these last two week i think looking at everything i can see why i feel so very overwhelmed.

I find it very amazing that i am joshua's mother. Although my mission after his death has always been to keep his memory alive with his family i also wanted to spread his story and keep his memory alive with everyone he touched through his six short months of life. My mission has been very successful and i feel like i am making a difference in helping at least one family that feels alone in their NICU ride.

Although i am 26 until recently (although i have mentioned it here before) i really feel that my calling in life is to be a NICU nurse. Although through high school and even when i was little when anyone ever asked what do you want to be, i would say a veterinarian. Although i love animals especially dogs that is not what i wanted to spend my whole life doing, then i thought i am really good at sales and while working at nordstrams i could really see myself as moving up in the company, i don't want to toot my own horn but i had a lot of management already looking at me as a good candidate for higher positions after only one month but that didn't feel like what i wanted to do to, it was REALLY good money but i really felt i wanted to make a difference in people lives and no way was i going to acomplish that by working there.

Although i would be a hypocrite by saying i have found a meaning on why i have gone through this whole journey, or why my son had to spend six months in the NICU only to pass, i have found a purpose. But i am terrified by following this purpose that i know in my heart, in my soul, is my life's calling, is my way of honoring josh and keeping his memory alive, my way of making a difference in someone's life.

I wonder if this is what people talk about when they say they 'hear' the voice of god telling them what it is there supposed to do......

Have you ever felt chills, felt goosebumps, felt like things in your life have led you to this exact same place your at, and a light bulb in your head finally went off. That's how i feel. But like i said i am TERRIFIED.

I want to follow through, but know there's a couples of steps i must take in order to be 'ready' to start this journey and so my first step is to seek help to 'deal' with everything that happened in the last two years, on Tuesday i set up a appt with my psychologist and this Monday i will go.

I know this whole being a NICU nurse calling might seem weird & crazy, after all why would i want to be in a career that will put me back in a place where i spend THE most significant time in my life, a place that was so traumatizing, a place that will put me back face to face with the sadness that comes with what i went through......

I have spent a lot of sleepless nights chatting away with Jonathan and telling him about my 'calling' and he is my biggest supporter. He really believes i would be great at it.

I saw this video recently and while seeing it i thought about this

I want to be that nurse that is able to hug a mom and say  I KNOW what you are going through! My story did not end well but i WILL do everything i can to make sure you son, your daughter is at home where he or she belongs.

Day 4

Prematurity Awareness 

30 Days,30 post,30 facts 

What's the first thing you think of when I say viagra? Probably not the first thing I think of which is joshy. Because of his under developed lungs he spend much of his six months on & off a ventilator and nitric oxide for his pulmonary hypertension,a condition where the pressure in the blood vessel that allows blood to flow to the lungs remains abnormally high. In order to wean him they started giving him doses of viagra, why ? Viagra causes these vessels to relax and allow for improved blood flow and improved oxygen delivered to all organs. This is why viagra was invented for in the first place to help with pulmonary hypertension but men found it helped them in other ways as well.

Day 3

Prematurity Awareness Day3

30Facts, 30 Days, 30 Pictures 

If your like most of us you probably have had your daily dose of caffeine. A cup of coffee, a pepsi, a coke maybe, but did you know a preemie in the NICU has also had their daily dose of caffeine as well ? Many people rely on a caffeine kick from their morning coffee to boost their critical thinking. But for premature infants, a dose of caffeine helps with more vital functions, such as breathing! doctors prescribe caffeine to premature babies because it helps against apnea, a condition in which breathing stops for more than 15 seconds.

Tuesday, November 1, 2011

Day 2

Day 2 

of 30 days, 30 facts,30 pictures

 Kangaroo Mother Care was initiated in Bogota, Colombia after a dying newborn premature baby was handed to her mother as a last resort. The mother placed the baby skin to skin on her chest to say her last goodbyes and the little one thrived and survived. Doctors observed the ‘accidental’ recovery and decided to embark on groundbreaking studies of premature  infants in a critical condition when they were placed skin to skin on their mothers’ chests. The results were astounding and what began as a tentative experiment has become a worldwide success in terms of premature and neonatal infant care.

30 days,30 facts,30 pictures

For prematurity awareness month this year i will be posting a picture a day along with a fact about prematurity.

30 days,

30 facts

30 pictures

Day 1 : Prematurity is the number one cause of infant death.

   This is joshy's death certificate


maybe its the fact that it's november & prematurity awareness month

maybe its the fact that the holidays are upon us and with that comes a sense of nostalgia

maybe its the fact that little things have been triggering me lately

but my grief, that was somewhat under control has been taking over me little by little the last week.

Maybe, Maybe, just maybe one day my grief will heal maybe.

Prematurity Awareness Month

What month is it ?

It's November !

What's November ?

Thanksgiving month yes, but what else ?



I along with other preemie mom's will be posting daily facts about prematurity and on November 17 it's bloggers unite,Click Here to Learn about Bloggers Unite join me in spreading awareness.

Fact #1
If you know joshy, then you know at least one preemie, and you have been affected by prematurity