Monday, August 9, 2010
well last week i ask jonathan where was his memory box the hospital had made for joshy the day he passed, with his footprint handprint lock of hair, well his told me my stepdad had hiddin it in the china cabbinet downstairs, i guess i thought i was ready to see it,well of course i go downstairs and open the cabbinet door and i see the box but in front of it, joshy's favorite blanky, you know in the movies where they show someone looking at something and the show the scenes of what that person remembers about that object, well that's what happend, i remembered the last time i held joshua with that blanket, i closed the door thinking started crying and ran upstairs. obviously im still not ready to look at some stuff, which i dont get because i have a memory box right next to my nightstand with joshua's first outfit, it was preemie outfit and it was so big on him, he looked so cute, it had a matching bib that had little dinasours and said snugglasorous, in it is also a micro preemie diaper and the size diaper he used when he passed away, along with his first binky and the little googles they put on his eyes to not harm them from the billi lights when he was born. I have looked at those stuff a dozen times since he passed but with a smile, yet somehow when i saw his blanky it brought me back to a dark place.
Monday, August 2, 2010
well.....im not sure where this journey will go i do know everyday i will miss joshy just the same, when he feels it's time he will send us a special little person and that special little person will know that his/her older brother was amazing, he/she will see pictures visit the NICU to meet all of joshua's nurses and friends and walk in the mmarch of dimes in honer of his/her brother.So does this mean im in a special place where all the sudden the pain is gone NO WAY! does this mean im ready to move on NO WAY! does this mean im ready to ready to replace joshy NO FREAKING WAY JOSHUA WILL NEVER BE REPLACED!!!! this does mean that jonathan and i have so much love to give we want to share our love, that joshua showed us we can be great parents, and that we love joshua so much we want to give him a sibling.
Joshy, who will you chose ? i imagine you with little glasses in heaven taken applications, asking a list of questions and bragging about your mommy and daddy and that it's your job to chose the best candidate, i see you having a line of applicants and knowing you thinking nope i dont think i found a great fit for mom and dad yet. =) who will you choose joshy ?
i just had to share these very adorable pictures of joshua's little cousin ishi visiting him yesterday.
Monday, July 26, 2010
Sunday, July 25, 2010
Joshua, my angel, my king, you are and will always hold a big piece of my heart a piece you took with you the day you left, and a piece that you will return the day were reunited, what will you look like ? will you be just like i remember you, will you have beautiful big wings with a beautiful glowing halo ? will you be older ? for now i will keep your memory in my heart of you smiling and holding on to your monkey binky.
Friday, July 2, 2010
I have been thinking about what to do with joshy's clothes. After all they were HIS clothes when i would order online or go to stores i would pick out the clothes just for him. I have had a couple of thoughts, thought 1. donate some of the clothes to the NICU, thought 2. make little gift bags for parents of boys in the nicu with a letter from joshua. thought 3. save the clothes for a future baby boy...........hmmm i dont know. How would joshy feel sharing his clothes with his brother ? he never was much of sharer he was spoiled and ALWAYS got what he wanted, ask the nurses. I guess for now they can stay in the plastic container kept away with all his other items like his crib which is still in a box in the garage, his bassinet still in a box in the garage. That's not including his NICU items that are at his grandparents house, they took them there the day he passed because they thought it would be to much for me to have them at home. I cant even think about going through all those items, his blankets, HE HAD A TON for those of you that have had a NICU long term baby you understand that sometimes the only way to make your baby's crib feel like HIS is giving him his own blankets. The nurses always joked that all the other babies were jealous of joshy because his mommy would decorate his crib the with every little detail, his sheets ALWAYS matched. he had his wall of pictures and his toys for every holiday that passed. My brother in laws (who's like my dad) grandma (who is like my grandma she's seen me grow up and i call her grandma_) has offered to make a quilt with all of joshy's clothes and blanky's but first i need to go through his things and i cant even do that yet.
So i know some angel mom's will understand me and some might not, and i know that "normal" people might not get me at all but here are my confessions.
I can't stand seeing babies, it makes me think about how unfair life is and why i couldn't have my joshy. I cant stand seeing pregnant women complaining about their pregnancy do they have any idea how LUCKY they are to have such a precious gift and your complaining about it! yuck. I confess that i have thought about suicide and i confess i was close to doing it,but i know well although im in a scuffle with GOD and my religion and am questioning everything about faith, i have taught i will not end up with my son but rather in limbo, thinking about NEVER seeing joshy makes the thoughts go away, they come back, but its a day by day. I confess that every second of my day is thinking about joshy, wishing that there were wishes and that joshy was here with me. and finally i confess that i feel guilty when i am having a good day with Jonathan or my family because i feel like i should feel shitty ALL the time, i feel like i made my baby go through hell by bieng poked and stabbed and messed around with because i wanted the dr's to do everything to save his life, but then i think im proud i was so involved with joshua's care, i was there all day asking the dr's questions looking up things on my own coming up with my own ideas of how joshy could get better, when i wasnt in the nicu i was re-searching what can the dr's do to help joshy. I confess that i MISS the NICU, i miss the nurses the staff the RT's although i spend some horrible times in there but it was HOME for six months and it taught me one thing, I think my calling is to be a nurse a NICU nurse to be more exact. hmmm interesting you would think i would never want to see the inside of a NICU again but everything seems so familiar so HOME, and i feel like i would have joshy next to me protecting the babies im helping.
you will and forever be the love of my life, yes daddy is my love, but YOU, you my angel are my heart you are my PRIDE, you made me such a proud mommy, you were such a perfect baby, all the nurses loved you and all the dr's did too. You had an energy about you that people were drawn too, they just wanted to hold you and be around you. I'm sorry for crying every day and sorry for maybe making you think your causing mommy so much pain, it's just that mommy LOVED you so much that she would of done anything to save you. Joshy i know your looking over dad and I but i hope your having fun if any baby deserves it YOU DO MY LOVE. i know you loved mommy A LOT i know that's why you held on FOR six month and gave the BEST fight any dr or nurse had seen in a long time. for that and for choosing me to be your mom i will forever be grateful and proud to say you ARE my son. How many mommy's get to have a son that did so much in just six short months of life? not many but i did Joshy, you were a MIRACLE from conception and you will and forever be the other man who hold my heart, although you might have futre brother's and sister's they will know how there brother was AMAZING and how they have a big brother that looks down on them and protects them. i love you, forever, for always, untill i hold you again.
Thursday, July 1, 2010
last week there was some drama going on concerning joshua's site. turns out there was another baby that was going to be burried next to joshy. My heart goes out to that family. well on wed i get a call from my friend scarlet who was visiting joshy with her son tai, they always go and bring him toys and sing to him, I KNOW HE LOVES IT, well she calls me to tell me there was going to be a service that day and they were moving joshy's belonging and throwing them into a box, I WAS LIKE WHAT ! cypress lawn (his cementery) didnt even call me to tell me so i could have his toys and stuff removed, i got so mad, i called the lady who handles the services and she said that there were some issues with how much stuff was in joshy's site, that he had to many belongings and to many flowers and we were only allowed three items including flowers, are they freaking kidding me! i have seen tons of sites with WAY more then three items and they're picking on JOSHY a baby. i was so mad, it was my sister's birthday dinner that night and all i could think about was how joshy didnt have his flowers or toys and they completely disrespected him. well the next day me and my sister went down to talk to the lady and we spend THREE hours negotiating what was able to be in joshy's site. might i add that NO WHERE IN THE CONTRACT does it say that there is only three items to remain at a buriel site. so they tell us it's just a rule and that they try to enforce it on every one WHATEVER there are tons of sites with way more things then joshy had, well i told them that because of what they had done i had, had a panic attack (which is true) and that this is my only son who only had passed away two months ago and they were taking away the only thing that was keeping me from becoming suicidal, being able to come to joshy's site and decorate it and be with him. well after three hours and my sister saying that this was so important that we would get lawyers involved. They had to call the superintended to review joshy site. conclusion to the story, i cant believe that they put me through that, or that they would put ANY family through that, i understand if a site is unkept and is overflowing to the fact that it's going into another persons space but joshy's site is very tidy, me and jonathan go three sometime four times a week to make sure his site is clean and all his dead flowers are thrown away. well joshy's site is back to normal and i hope it stays that way or else cypress lawn will have a very big lawsuit!
with my angel, the only place i can smile.
daddy making sure joshy's site is perfect.
His first set of ears ( im a disney fanatic and always pictured him with his first mickey ears)
all his gifts.
Tuesday, June 29, 2010
Sunday, June 27, 2010
his cousin aida made him a special box.
World Cup Season.
His Primary ann made this card esp for him
One of his nurses liz gave us this card inside she filled the whole card on how much taking care of joshy meant to her and how he touched her, in the back was this. Now after receiving this card, in the matter of two weeks we saw THREE peacocks one while driving to childrens to drop of some items for his primarys,the other my sister saw a WHITE one which are extremly rare, and the third wandered right in front of our house. so amazing.
Thursday, June 24, 2010
Mommy is not feeling to well and doesn't know what to believe what to think, how to act, If mommy decides to do something bad, please don't hold it against her, or think its your fault ITS NOT! i love you my king .
JOSHY SITE....he has a bird feeder and a wind chime.
Daddy talking to his boy.
Tuesday, June 8, 2010
it has now been almost two month (wow) since joshy received his angel wings. I cant seem to believe that i'll ever feel whole again without him. Me and jonathan went to childrens hospital on monday to drop off his DVD video to one of his primary's in day shift. It was very weird because we have visited some of his primary's twice before this time and for some reason monday was different. we saw a lot of his "hospital family" each of them came to give us hugs and ask how we were doing, saying how strong we were to come and visit then it felt like somebody opened a door of emotions for both me and jonathan, for me i started thinking about the prior 5months of walking into that NICU as if it were our house, it was our house, and thinking about how joshy wasnt in room A but in his resting area at the cemetery. we didnt stay for long we just couldn't handle it. This week has been rough, they same time heals wounds but they just seem to become more raw. I don't know how im sopposed to get back to normal, but then i think and know my normal will never be normal, i lost my baby, i'm a mom although my son is in heaven i did have joshua (i have the scar to prove it) he was alive and made me and jonathan the most proudest,happiest people in the world ( we have the pictures to prove it) and he passed after six month. The whole time we were in the NICU me and jonathan knew,or so we thought, we would be walking out with our son, we dreamed and talked about that day at least once a week, that's what kept us going. We never thought we would see our joshy out of the NICU in his resting place. What i guess is hard for people to realize is my whole pregnancy was high risk, i fought so hard for joshy when the dr's were telling me he wouldnt be born,i fought because he deserved a chance, i dont regret the choices i made im just angry that the outcome wasn't how i thought. For the past year it was touch and go with joshy, starting with pregnancy but my little fighter fought. He lived for six months and made me the proudest mom. I miss joshy so much, i miss him in a way that only a mother who has lost a son knows, i dont wish this pain on anyone, it's a unnatural feeling to have to bury your son. That's not what were taught, as parents were sopposed to defend our children against everything and keep them from harm. I feel as though i have failed.
Tuesday, June 1, 2010
So today marks joshy's 40 days since leaving this earth onto the hands of god. In Catholicism 40days marks the day of accession when the spirt finally leaves earth and enters heaven or so i learned while i was in school (i went to catholic school my whole life) with that bieng said joshy was already in heaven because he was a baby and therefor had no sins to get rid of, and he got baptized a day before passing, (for those of you wondering what the pictures towards the end of the video of everyone surrounding joshy are, it's the night he got baptized. So today my little drama king received his "official" wings and halo. I can only imagine him and his little wings, heaven just got allot brighter! I have been going through my ups and downs this week but today was special for me, knowing my chunky monkey will be forever watching over me, although i miss him more then i will ever be able to explain, i know joshua's life had a purpose he reached so many people and through him and writing about my experience with him, i was able to meet many people although through the computer i feel privlaged to share my experiance with you ! if joshy taught me one thing, well he taught me ALOT but if i were to pick one is to stick to your instincts no matter what doctors tell you, the doctors told me joshua would not make it to 24 weeks guess what he made it to 29! the dr's told me he had glaucoma and would not be able to see guess what HE DIDNT HAVE GLAUCOMA and was able to see the silly faces mommy and daddy did to him. Yes he only spend six month in this earth but if my experience is able to reach one person then my experience was not in vain and neither was joshua's time on this earth. I may sound as though im okay with Joshua's death far from it, but knowing how much support i have received and how many people have written to me saying "joshua inspired me" it let's me keep going thank you to all you who have followed my story and followed joshua's life. I hope to keep sharing myself and my thoughts and ups and downs. joshua my little monkey you had a planned you never shared with mommy but little by little im starting to see. I LOVE YOU MY DRAMA KING. i cant wait to share the picture of his tombstone,they said it should be finished by the end of the month but for now, me and jonathan and everyone else have been decorating his site with different things, for example a brazil flag and argentina for the world cup! mommy and daddy's team. and one flag for Nicaragua and one for El salvador representing mommy and daddy's roots. Oh one more thing me and jonathan have asked our friends and family in the bay area to contribute to the cause of helping childrens hospital in oakland and everywhere in honer of joshua. thanks.
Sunday, May 30, 2010
When a child is born prematurely it can be hard to live the joy of having a baby or to have hope. Suddenly and unexpectedly one of life´s greatest moments is replaced by anxiety, grief and solitude. While all of our stories are unique and our outcomes vary, our struggles and search for comfort are all the same. Preemie Hearts was founded with the intention of filling that void which many of us feel during and after our preemie experiences.
The Preemie Purple Heart is a symbol of unity, love, and understanding among families like ours. As it has for ten years now, the Heart keepsake provides a meaningful way to commemorate our personal experiences and express our gratitude, understanding, and compassion for others in these trying times.
In the future, we hope that methods and treatments are found that can save children and families from the preemie experience. Every heart sold contributes to research in order to find preventative measures. The Preemie Purple Heart cooperates with i.e. March Of Dimes and the Pregenia foundation.
20 Things parents of angels wish you would remember
1. I wish you would not be afraid to mention my baby. The truth is just because you never say my baby doesn't mean he doesn't deserve your recognition.
2. I wish that if we did talk about my baby and I cried you didn't think it was because you have hurt me by mentioning him. The truth is I need to cry and talk about my baby with you. Crying and emotional outbursts help me heal.
3.I wish that you could talk about my baby more than once. The truth is if you do, it reassures me that you haven't forgotten him and that you do care and understand.
4. I wish you wouldn't think that I don't want to talk about my baby. The truth is that I love my baby and need to talk about him.
5.I wish you could tell me you are sorry my baby has died and that you are thinking of me. The truth is it tells me you care.
6.I wish you wouldn't think what has happened is one big bad memory for me. The truth is the memory of my baby, the love I feel for my baby, the dreams I had and the memories I have created for my baby are all loving memories. Yes, there are bad memories too but please understand that it's not all like that.
7.I wish you wouldn't pretend that my baby never existed. The truth is we both know I had a baby growing inside of me.
8.I wish you wouldn't judge me because I am not acting the way you think I should be. The truth is grief is a very personal thing and we are all different people who deal with things differently.
9.I wish you wouldn't think if I have a good day I'm "over it" or if I have a bad day I am being unreasonable because you think I should be over it. The truth is there is no "normal" way for me to act.
10. I wish you wouldn't stay away from me. The truth is losing my baby doesn't mean I'm contagious. By staying away you make me feel isolated, confused and like it's my fault.
11. I wish you wouldn't expect my grief to be "over and done with" in a few weeks, months, or years for that matter. The truth is that it may get easier with time but I will never be "over this".
12.I wish you wouldn't think that my baby wasn't a real baby and it was blood and tissue or a fetus. The truth is my baby was a human life. He had a soul, heart, body, legs, arms and face. I have seen my baby's body and face. My baby was a real person.
13.My babies due date, Mothers Day, celebration times, the day my baby died and the day my baby was delivered are all important and sad days for me. The truth is I wish you could tell me by words or by letter you are thinking of me on these days.
14.I wish you would understand that losing my baby has changed me. The truth is I am not the same person I was before and will never be that person again. If you keep waiting for me to get back to "normal" you will stay frustrated. I am a new person with new thoughts, dreams, beliefs and values. Please try to get to know the real me --- maybe you'll still like me.
15. I wish you wouldn't tell me to have another baby. The truth is that I want the baby I lost and no other baby can replace him. Babies aren't interchangeable.
16. I wish you wouldn't feel awkward or uncomfortable talking about my baby or being near me. When you do, I can see it. The truth is it's not fair to make me feel uncomfortable just because you do.
17. I wish you wouldn't think that you'll keep away because all my friends and family will be there for me. The truth is, everyone thinks the same thing and I am often left with no one.
18.I wish you would understand that being around pregnant women is uncomfortable for me.
19.I wish you wouldn't say that it's natures way of telling me something was wrong with my baby. The truth is my baby was perfect to me no matter what you think nature is saying.
20.I wish you would understand that what you are really saying when you say "next time things will be okay". The truth is how do you know? What will you say it it happens to me again.
Saturday, May 29, 2010
Tuesday, May 25, 2010
Monday, May 24, 2010
Wednesday, May 12, 2010
A Newborn's Conversation with God
A baby asked God, "They tell me you are sending me to earth tomorrow, but
how am I going to live there being so small and helpless?"
God said, "Your angel will be waiting for you and will take care of you."
The child further inquired, "But tell me, here in heaven I don't have to do
anything but sing and smile to be happy."
God said, "Your angel will sing for you and will also smile for you.
And you will feel your angel's love and be very happy."
Again the small child asked, "And how am I going to be able to understand
when people talk to me if I don't know the language?"
God said, "Your angel will tell you the most beautiful and sweet words you
will ever hear, and with much patience and care, your angel will teach you how to speak."
"And what am I going to do when I want to talk to you?"
God said, "Your angel will place your hands together and will teach you how
"Who will protect me?"
God said, "Your angel will defend you even if it means risking its life."
"But I will always be sad because I will not see you anymore."
God said, "Your angel will always talk to you about Me and will teach you
the way to come back to Me, even though I will always be next to you."
At that moment there was much peace in Heaven, but voices from Earth could
be heard and the child hurriedly asked, "God, if I am to leave now, please tell me my angel's name."
God said, "You will simply call her, Mom."
Lift a mother's spirit; send this to every mother you know (no matter how
old her child is).
Sunday, April 25, 2010
tuesday will be open casket from 7pm-9pm wear black white is okay
885 El Camino Real
S San Francisco, CA 94080-4409
(650) 583-2510 ask for joshua escobar castillo
wed-will be closed casket 7-9pm same wear black white is okay
thursay - we will meet at 10:00 and be able to view josh till 10:30 at which time everyone will be getting ready to start the procession to cypress lawn. on this day we ask for everone to wear light color clothes white preferably joshua was a happy soul and i would like to celebrate his life.
adress : 1201 El Camino Real
Colma, CA 94014-3238
Saturday, April 24, 2010
one more thing i would appreciate it if everyone wore white, khaki, or light colors joshua was a happy soul and i dont feel black would be appropriate for him. feel free to write your input.
joshua alexander castillo escobar oct 7 2009- april 22 2010
Tuesday, April 20, 2010
Sunday, April 11, 2010
here are some pictures, a day before he got really sick they are the newest one's because we havent taken any since he was so sick and not looking his best. the ones at the top the first one is him at one month old, and then at 5 months. the clothes he's wearing on the first picture are preemie size the smallest preemies and they were HUGE on him.