Monday, August 9, 2010

Feeling alone.

For the last couple of weeks i've been feeling alone. I have a wonderful group of people i have met that are mom's to angel's and their support is amazing and their words kind, but all of them lost their baby's at a couple of days old, or while in utero, of course my situation is different, joshy was six months old, i had got to know him for a year, six month while in my belly and six month's after birth, he had a personality, he had likes and dislikes. I'm in no way saying my pain is more severe then these parent's im just saying it's different. We had spend six months in the NICU with always hope of bringing him home, and we were so close, one foot in the NICU one out. I still don't know how he got so sick, i know all the dr's blame it on the prematurity, yes he was small, but he had over come so many obstacles, his last, eating, finally on full feeds after six months, off everything, and then over night become so sick and two day's later pass away. Is there something i missed ? did something happen in the hours me and jonathan were away from the NICU sleeping that got him sick? There i go with the what if's, i know they only make things worse because let's say something did happen, it wouldn't bring joshy back. I can't believe my little boy fought so hard to live, to just have to leave, i hate hearing "well his prematurity lead him to so many problems" or " well there was something not right with him from the start that's why your blood came back so abnormal" blah blah BLAH!! i guess with joshy's birthday coming up, thinking he should of been turning one, and we should of been planning this big halloween costume party, instead i'm excited about when his tombstone should be arriving, how sick.
well last week i ask jonathan where was his memory box the hospital had made for joshy the day he passed, with his footprint handprint lock of hair, well his told me my stepdad had hiddin it in the china cabbinet downstairs, i guess i thought i was ready to see it,well of course i go downstairs and open the cabbinet door and i see the box but in front of it, joshy's favorite blanky, you know in the movies where they show someone looking at something and the show the scenes of what that person remembers about that object, well that's what happend, i remembered the last time i held joshua with that blanket, i closed the door thinking started crying and ran upstairs. obviously im still not ready to look at some stuff, which i dont get because i have a memory box right next to my nightstand with joshua's first outfit, it was preemie outfit and it was so big on him, he looked so cute, it had a matching bib that had little dinasours and said snugglasorous, in it is also a micro preemie diaper and the size diaper he used when he passed away, along with his first binky and the little googles they put on his eyes to not harm them from the billi lights when he was born. I have looked at those stuff a dozen times since he passed but with a smile, yet somehow when i saw his blanky it brought me back to a dark place.

Monday, August 2, 2010

The good the bad the ugly, and the hope.

Okay so again it has been a while since i posted, i wasn't having very good days but i have learned they come and go, it's all a process. On saturday me and jonathan went to buy some In&Out burgers and went to go have lunch with joshy, it was a very good day, i felt so at peace just me,jonathan,and joshy having lunch, with no beeps or alarms going off like in the NICU although you would be surprised how six months in the NICU well make you get used to the beeping it's "normal" i miss my normal, i miss scrubbing down and stocking up on anti-bacterial, each day is another day joshy has been gone, and i miss him so much, but it is another day that he hasn't been poked or tested for something new. You see joshy's NICU stay was not easy,no NICU stay is, but it was eventful to say the least, we went through the dr's thinking joshy had cystic fibrosis, to him somehow catching pneumonia at the end he got so sick this is what took him, he just wasn't strong enough, he survived NEC, got re-connected but his little lungs had just suffered to much. We were so close to getting out but GOD had other plans, like i have said in previous post joshua amazed the dr's since in the womb and through his six months of life amazed all his dr's and nurses and most of all his family. He was a warrior. I guess i'm starting to realize that joshua had a purpose in life and was in this world for six months but full filled his life mission, how amzing was he! I was talking to one of my preemie moms last week and she was telling me in her religion when i child dies before the age of eight it's because they were to beautiful to be here on earth. I think this is true for joshy. He was to amazing. I know joshua's place is never going to be taken, and i will forever think everyday about what joshy would be doing today, but in road to healing me and jonathan have discussed future children, we have had our appt with our perinatologist and he has giving us the go ahead. During lunch with joshy we talked to him and let him know he had very special mission he was going to get to chose his future brother or sister and i know he will chose the perfect one. I have been reading a blog of a mom who lost her 16 month old maddie like joshy she was born premature and her lungs were not strong, very suddenly she caught a respiratory virus and was not strong enough to get through it, she was 16months old, three weeks later after losing her she found out she was pregnant. She was scared to tell her family and friends because she thought they were going to think she was trying to replace maddie. She's a very amazing mom and through reading her blog you can see she is very happy with her new baby girl BUT her and her husband still grieve the lost of their daughter here's her site http://thespohrsaremultiplying.com/
well.....im not sure where this journey will go i do know everyday i will miss joshy just the same, when he feels it's time he will send us a special little person and that special little person will know that his/her older brother was amazing, he/she will see pictures visit the NICU to meet all of joshua's nurses and friends and walk in the mmarch of dimes in honer of his/her brother.So does this mean im in a special place where all the sudden the pain is gone NO WAY! does this mean im ready to move on NO WAY! does this mean im ready to ready to replace joshy NO FREAKING WAY JOSHUA WILL NEVER BE REPLACED!!!! this does mean that jonathan and i have so much love to give we want to share our love, that joshua showed us we can be great parents, and that we love joshua so much we want to give him a sibling.

Joshy, who will you chose ? i imagine you with little glasses in heaven taken applications, asking a list of questions and bragging about your mommy and daddy and that it's your job to chose the best candidate, i see you having a line of applicants and knowing you thinking nope i dont think i found a great fit for mom and dad yet. =) who will you choose joshy ?

i just had to share these very adorable pictures of joshua's little cousin ishi visiting him yesterday.


Monday, July 26, 2010

1 day old Till Six month. My chunky Monkey

PLEASE PAUSE THE MUSIC ON THE SIDE.AT THE BOTTOM SIDE OD THE PAGE TO BE ABLE TO HEAR AND SEE THE ENTIRE VIDEO

joshua's journey from yesenia castillo on Vimeo.

Sunday, July 25, 2010

One day at a time

so it has been in a bit since i have written, where have i been ? well i have been reflecting and meditating. if you have read my previous post you can obviously tell i have been through my all time deepest depression. I never thought my first son would pass away, and never thought, our life with him would have been spend in the NICU, and although six months in the NICU is a very long time, me and jonathan were used to it, it was our home, we would come home to sleep and that was about it, if you needed us all you had to do was call childrens hospital get transfered to the NICU and then asked to be transfered to joshua's room, there we were. The nurses became our friends, and the dr's became our friends, we would walk in scrub down and put our things into our locker with all the nurses walking past us saying "hello yesenia Hello jonathan we heard joshy had a good night" every person greeting us. When joshy passed away it was like our life did a 360, our home was gone, our baby was gone, our friends were gone. These past few weeks were spend for me, thinking back about the last few days of joshua's life, that wasn't my son, he had already started slipping away and was hanging on because of the love he felt for me and his dad. I know i will never feel okay with joshua's passing, EVER there will always be a whole in my heart that will never be filled, but every morning i wake up and in my nightstand is my keepsake box my preemie mom's got for me, inside all the letter's from his family his nurses his friends, his neonatologist. i look at it and it is a constant reminder that joshua's life was not in vein, i wont let it be, i want to spread awareness of NEC, i want to help NICU's i want more people to know that prematurity happens in 1 out of every 8 births, and last i want to become a NICU nurse. I spend the day last week reading back on every single one of my post and i read a passage were i had written how " this kid is going to be famous" well joshua, you are! So many people know about your story, and so many people were affected by your life, in a positive way. Each and every day is a struggle to get to know the new me, the mom of angel, the mom of joshua, but i think i finally am coming to peace with keeping your memory alive not by being depressed or crying everyday (yes i still do cry because i will never stop missing my monkey) but by remembering how you were so special, how you amazed all the dr's, how all the nurses loved you, how one tiny person caused such a BIG impact on so many lives.

Joshua, my angel, my king, you are and will always hold a big piece of my heart a piece you took with you the day you left, and a piece that you will return the day were reunited, what will you look like ? will you be just like i remember you, will you have beautiful big wings with a beautiful glowing halo ? will you be older ? for now i will keep your memory in my heart of you smiling and holding on to your monkey binky.

Friday, July 2, 2010

meet my new best friend "gateway"

Today is one of "those" days, the days where every little thing reminds me of joshy but in a sad way, those days where you want to hide in a rock and never come out. The days when i think when the heck is this going to get easier, all things are doing are getting more complicated and all i feel is more pain. My gateway computer has become my bestfriend, i can rely on her to be here for me to express myself and write about my feelings and she wont look at me like i should be in a ward.

I have been thinking about what to do with joshy's clothes. After all they were HIS clothes when i would order online or go to stores i would pick out the clothes just for him. I have had a couple of thoughts, thought 1. donate some of the clothes to the NICU, thought 2. make little gift bags for parents of boys in the nicu with a letter from joshua. thought 3. save the clothes for a future baby boy...........hmmm i dont know. How would joshy feel sharing his clothes with his brother ? he never was much of sharer he was spoiled and ALWAYS got what he wanted, ask the nurses. I guess for now they can stay in the plastic container kept away with all his other items like his crib which is still in a box in the garage, his bassinet still in a box in the garage. That's not including his NICU items that are at his grandparents house, they took them there the day he passed because they thought it would be to much for me to have them at home. I cant even think about going through all those items, his blankets, HE HAD A TON for those of you that have had a NICU long term baby you understand that sometimes the only way to make your baby's crib feel like HIS is giving him his own blankets. The nurses always joked that all the other babies were jealous of joshy because his mommy would decorate his crib the with every little detail, his sheets ALWAYS matched. he had his wall of pictures and his toys for every holiday that passed. My brother in laws (who's like my dad) grandma (who is like my grandma she's seen me grow up and i call her grandma_) has offered to make a quilt with all of joshy's clothes and blanky's but first i need to go through his things and i cant even do that yet.

So i know some angel mom's will understand me and some might not, and i know that "normal" people might not get me at all but here are my confessions.
I can't stand seeing babies, it makes me think about how unfair life is and why i couldn't have my joshy. I cant stand seeing pregnant women complaining about their pregnancy do they have any idea how LUCKY they are to have such a precious gift and your complaining about it! yuck. I confess that i have thought about suicide and i confess i was close to doing it,but i know well although im in a scuffle with GOD and my religion and am questioning everything about faith, i have taught i will not end up with my son but rather in limbo, thinking about NEVER seeing joshy makes the thoughts go away, they come back, but its a day by day. I confess that every second of my day is thinking about joshy, wishing that there were wishes and that joshy was here with me. and finally i confess that i feel guilty when i am having a good day with Jonathan or my family because i feel like i should feel shitty ALL the time, i feel like i made my baby go through hell by bieng poked and stabbed and messed around with because i wanted the dr's to do everything to save his life, but then i think im proud i was so involved with joshua's care, i was there all day asking the dr's questions looking up things on my own coming up with my own ideas of how joshy could get better, when i wasnt in the nicu i was re-searching what can the dr's do to help joshy. I confess that i MISS the NICU, i miss the nurses the staff the RT's although i spend some horrible times in there but it was HOME for six months and it taught me one thing, I think my calling is to be a nurse a NICU nurse to be more exact. hmmm interesting you would think i would never want to see the inside of a NICU again but everything seems so familiar so HOME, and i feel like i would have joshy next to me protecting the babies im helping.

Joshua,
you will and forever be the love of my life, yes daddy is my love, but YOU, you my angel are my heart you are my PRIDE, you made me such a proud mommy, you were such a perfect baby, all the nurses loved you and all the dr's did too. You had an energy about you that people were drawn too, they just wanted to hold you and be around you. I'm sorry for crying every day and sorry for maybe making you think your causing mommy so much pain, it's just that mommy LOVED you so much that she would of done anything to save you. Joshy i know your looking over dad and I but i hope your having fun if any baby deserves it YOU DO MY LOVE. i know you loved mommy A LOT i know that's why you held on FOR six month and gave the BEST fight any dr or nurse had seen in a long time. for that and for choosing me to be your mom i will forever be grateful and proud to say you ARE my son. How many mommy's get to have a son that did so much in just six short months of life? not many but i did Joshy, you were a MIRACLE from conception and you will and forever be the other man who hold my heart, although you might have futre brother's and sister's they will know how there brother was AMAZING and how they have a big brother that looks down on them and protects them. i love you, forever, for always, untill i hold you again.

Thursday, July 1, 2010

no it's not a nightmare...it's my actual life.

So i have been having been trying to be a bit more positive in life in general, since joshy passed away i became a very angry and secluded person, for those of you that know me, the secluded part is not new the angry part yes. when Joshy was born it's like i became a whole new person, which i did i was a MOM i loved it,although joshy was in the NICU it was like everyday was a new adventure that i looked forward to, seeing my little munchkin growing everyday, it's like the world had just been re-born. I looked at trees differently flowers,the sky, everything i couldnt wait to share this life with Joshua. well six month of joy (yes joy even though there were EXTREMES up's and down's) turned into what is now my life,my new life, my new life without joshua. Seeing everything in a whole new light. a very dark light that i wish and hope one day will become bright again. Joshua brought so much joy not only into my life jonathan's life but everyone around him. Everyone looked forward to meeting my little MIRACLE this little man that had been fighting so hard for life and time and time again had overcome obstacles that dr's said he wouldn't. Through these last few day's i have realized that although i am mourning my only son, so are the rest of my family, because my mom was looking forward to finally being a grandma, my sister a aunt, and everyone else seeing my miracle grow and thrive. I have been reading other angel mommy's blog's and see that they're the only ones that can relate and not read this and say WOW she's crazy, because to other people yes i may be crazy right now, but people have to understand that i have lost my one and only pride and joy, every person deals with grief differently and i know there's no right way but know the way im handling joshy's passing some days isn't right. now i feel like im just rambling on and on............okay so for now i think i'll just leave this post as a ramble and try to get all my thoughts together. moving on-

last week there was some drama going on concerning joshua's site. turns out there was another baby that was going to be burried next to joshy. My heart goes out to that family. well on wed i get a call from my friend scarlet who was visiting joshy with her son tai, they always go and bring him toys and sing to him, I KNOW HE LOVES IT, well she calls me to tell me there was going to be a service that day and they were moving joshy's belonging and throwing them into a box, I WAS LIKE WHAT ! cypress lawn (his cementery) didnt even call me to tell me so i could have his toys and stuff removed, i got so mad, i called the lady who handles the services and she said that there were some issues with how much stuff was in joshy's site, that he had to many belongings and to many flowers and we were only allowed three items including flowers, are they freaking kidding me! i have seen tons of sites with WAY more then three items and they're picking on JOSHY a baby. i was so mad, it was my sister's birthday dinner that night and all i could think about was how joshy didnt have his flowers or toys and they completely disrespected him. well the next day me and my sister went down to talk to the lady and we spend THREE hours negotiating what was able to be in joshy's site. might i add that NO WHERE IN THE CONTRACT does it say that there is only three items to remain at a buriel site. so they tell us it's just a rule and that they try to enforce it on every one WHATEVER there are tons of sites with way more things then joshy had, well i told them that because of what they had done i had, had a panic attack (which is true) and that this is my only son who only had passed away two months ago and they were taking away the only thing that was keeping me from becoming suicidal, being able to come to joshy's site and decorate it and be with him. well after three hours and my sister saying that this was so important that we would get lawyers involved. They had to call the superintended to review joshy site. conclusion to the story, i cant believe that they put me through that, or that they would put ANY family through that, i understand if a site is unkept and is overflowing to the fact that it's going into another persons space but joshy's site is very tidy, me and jonathan go three sometime four times a week to make sure his site is clean and all his dead flowers are thrown away. well joshy's site is back to normal and i hope it stays that way or else cypress lawn will have a very big lawsuit!

with my angel, the only place i can smile.


daddy making sure joshy's site is perfect.


His first set of ears ( im a disney fanatic and always pictured him with his first mickey ears)



Ears.



His kingdom


all his gifts.

Tuesday, June 29, 2010

I'll stand by you - The Pretenders (with lyrics)

This song has been in my head since i woke up, i youtubed it and this video came up with lyrics, i know joshy wanted me to see it. he wants me to know that he will always be with me and not to be scared to be angry or cry. I hear you joshy it's just so hard....i'll try to be strong.

Sunday, June 27, 2010

The dreams in which im dying are the best i've ever had

Thank you all for being concerned about my well being.I continue to feel lost. This weekend me and jonathan decided to go out and try to have some "fun". Well we went to the warf because he knows i love clam chowder and all things seafood, and decided to take a boat ride called the "rocket boat" that goes 60mph for half an hour it felt like i was free just the ocean the breeze and us. The day continued we us meeting with my best friend and some of our other friends to head over to "pink party" its a street parade that goes on at night down and the castro for gay pride. I was trying SO hard to have fun but all that kept going on in my head was i would much rather be home with joshua (if he were still here) and how guilty i felt for trying to have fun, well we left at around 1am and then it happened. I had i full blow break down. I started crying hystericly and jonathan just held my hand and told me to just let it out and tell him how i was feeling. I let him know i felt angry, that i try so hard to find a reason on why joshy was taking away but the more i think about it the angrier i get. I just couldnt stop crying, we started driving home and though about all the great times we had with him and how he would make us laugh with his funny faces when he was sleeping, you would think this would make me feel happy but it just made me feel worse to know how much happy i was being around him. we have a upcoming trip to mexico with jonathan's family everything paid for, but i just cant seem to want to go, EVERYONE keeps telling me this will help me, but i feel like i well be the debbie downer in the corner moping.I know i will have to live with this pain for the rest of my life but i cant seem to come to the realization of how that is going to happen i know it's only been two month's but i feel so bad, as if though i should be handling everything better and im not.I have isolated myself because i hate having people feel uncomfortable around me and the only time i actually am OK is when my FB friends or babycenter friends reach out to me and ask about joshy or when someone who never met joshy ask to know his story it's as if someone lights up a big bright light and i get so happy to tell them about him. I know me and jonathan will NEVER be the same, as individuals or as a couple, i just cant seem to get past the angry phase, the depression phase, the WHY phase.


his cousin aida made him a special box.


World Cup Season.


His Primary ann made this card esp for him


One of his nurses liz gave us this card inside she filled the whole card on how much taking care of joshy meant to her and how he touched her, in the back was this. Now after receiving this card, in the matter of two weeks we saw THREE peacocks one while driving to childrens to drop of some items for his primarys,the other my sister saw a WHITE one which are extremly rare, and the third wandered right in front of our house. so amazing.

Thursday, June 24, 2010

anger, and resentment.

The last month has been hell to say the least,it seems like all me and jonathan do is argue, our emotions are getting the better of us. I am angry at everything, i am angry that my son passed away, i am angry that i will never get to see him walk crawl, or laugh. So many mothers take little things like that for granted. I am lost and dont know where to go from here. Joshy gave me strength, he gave me happiness and although six month in the NICU were full of bieng scared my son was with me, i got to see his beautiful eyes and experiance changing diapers, getting peed on, pooped on, and they were are wonderful. I honestly dont know where i am at. I guess this is the point where i blame GOD. What good does that do ? .......Although me and jonathan have had our ups and down's through out our relationship, this experiance has tested us in a way no couple should be tested. Although we will make it our not time will only tell. He will always be my love and the father of my son, But unfortunatly this experiance has brought out the worst in both of us. I am not ashamed to admit that yes i have cotimplated suicide, the pain being to much to bear, then i think back at my beliefs, which lately i dont think i believe in anything, will i ever see joshy again ? is he happy where he's at ? does he know that he's my world ? so many questions that will never be answered. Lately me and jonathan have been seeing or better yet hearing joshy;s song in commercials and in trailers for movies. "kings and queens by 30 seconds to mars " are these signs that he's okay or just mere coincidences. i like to believe they are signs. Is my son a beautiful angel or is he gone. I saw the movie "the invention of lying" a couple of weeks ago and the way the character described death was nice, and then he confessed he really didnt know what happens after death do we go into a pit of nothingness and are simply gone. I have no idea what will happen from this point on, but to know i experianced love in the purest form is amazing and leaves me with gratitude, although for only six month, but they were amazing.

Joshua,
Mommy is not feeling to well and doesn't know what to believe what to think, how to act, If mommy decides to do something bad, please don't hold it against her, or think its your fault ITS NOT! i love you my king .



JOSHY SITE....he has a bird feeder and a wind chime.


Daddy talking to his boy.

Tuesday, June 8, 2010

grieving.

where to start,
it has now been almost two month (wow) since joshy received his angel wings. I cant seem to believe that i'll ever feel whole again without him. Me and jonathan went to childrens hospital on monday to drop off his DVD video to one of his primary's in day shift. It was very weird because we have visited some of his primary's twice before this time and for some reason monday was different. we saw a lot of his "hospital family" each of them came to give us hugs and ask how we were doing, saying how strong we were to come and visit then it felt like somebody opened a door of emotions for both me and jonathan, for me i started thinking about the prior 5months of walking into that NICU as if it were our house, it was our house, and thinking about how joshy wasnt in room A but in his resting area at the cemetery. we didnt stay for long we just couldn't handle it. This week has been rough, they same time heals wounds but they just seem to become more raw. I don't know how im sopposed to get back to normal, but then i think and know my normal will never be normal, i lost my baby, i'm a mom although my son is in heaven i did have joshua (i have the scar to prove it) he was alive and made me and jonathan the most proudest,happiest people in the world ( we have the pictures to prove it) and he passed after six month. The whole time we were in the NICU me and jonathan knew,or so we thought, we would be walking out with our son, we dreamed and talked about that day at least once a week, that's what kept us going. We never thought we would see our joshy out of the NICU in his resting place. What i guess is hard for people to realize is my whole pregnancy was high risk, i fought so hard for joshy when the dr's were telling me he wouldnt be born,i fought because he deserved a chance, i dont regret the choices i made im just angry that the outcome wasn't how i thought. For the past year it was touch and go with joshy, starting with pregnancy but my little fighter fought. He lived for six months and made me the proudest mom. I miss joshy so much, i miss him in a way that only a mother who has lost a son knows, i dont wish this pain on anyone, it's a unnatural feeling to have to bury your son. That's not what were taught, as parents were sopposed to defend our children against everything and keep them from harm. I feel as though i have failed.

Wednesday, June 2, 2010

Tuesday, June 1, 2010

40 days....your Golden Halo and Wings





So today marks joshy's 40 days since leaving this earth onto the hands of god. In Catholicism 40days marks the day of accession when the spirt finally leaves earth and enters heaven or so i learned while i was in school (i went to catholic school my whole life) with that bieng said joshy was already in heaven because he was a baby and therefor had no sins to get rid of, and he got baptized a day before passing, (for those of you wondering what the pictures towards the end of the video of everyone surrounding joshy are, it's the night he got baptized. So today my little drama king received his "official" wings and halo. I can only imagine him and his little wings, heaven just got allot brighter! I have been going through my ups and downs this week but today was special for me, knowing my chunky monkey will be forever watching over me, although i miss him more then i will ever be able to explain, i know joshua's life had a purpose he reached so many people and through him and writing about my experience with him, i was able to meet many people although through the computer i feel privlaged to share my experiance with you ! if joshy taught me one thing, well he taught me ALOT but if i were to pick one is to stick to your instincts no matter what doctors tell you, the doctors told me joshua would not make it to 24 weeks guess what he made it to 29! the dr's told me he had glaucoma and would not be able to see guess what HE DIDNT HAVE GLAUCOMA and was able to see the silly faces mommy and daddy did to him. Yes he only spend six month in this earth but if my experience is able to reach one person then my experience was not in vain and neither was joshua's time on this earth. I may sound as though im okay with Joshua's death far from it, but knowing how much support i have received and how many people have written to me saying "joshua inspired me" it let's me keep going thank you to all you who have followed my story and followed joshua's life. I hope to keep sharing myself and my thoughts and ups and downs. joshua my little monkey you had a planned you never shared with mommy but little by little im starting to see. I LOVE YOU MY DRAMA KING. i cant wait to share the picture of his tombstone,they said it should be finished by the end of the month but for now, me and jonathan and everyone else have been decorating his site with different things, for example a brazil flag and argentina for the world cup! mommy and daddy's team. and one flag for Nicaragua and one for El salvador representing mommy and daddy's roots. Oh one more thing me and jonathan have asked our friends and family in the bay area to contribute to the cause of helping childrens hospital in oakland and everywhere in honer of joshua. thanks.

Sunday, May 30, 2010

joshua's entire video......

joshua's journey from yesenia castillo on Vimeo.

preemie purple heart.....

for those of you who dont know why im so happy about my preemie purple heart and what my heart means here it is.....it's my badge of honer !


When a child is born prematurely it can be hard to live the joy of having a baby or to have hope. Suddenly and unexpectedly one of life´s greatest moments is replaced by anxiety, grief and solitude. While all of our stories are unique and our outcomes vary, our struggles and search for comfort are all the same. Preemie Hearts was founded with the intention of filling that void which many of us feel during and after our preemie experiences.

The  folder The Preemie Purple Heart is a symbol of unity, love, and understanding among families like ours. As it has for ten years now, the Heart keepsake provides a meaningful way to commemorate our personal experiences and express our gratitude, understanding, and compassion for others in these trying times.

In the future, we hope that methods and treatments are found that can save children and families from the preemie experience. Every heart sold contributes to research in order to find preventative measures. The Preemie Purple Heart cooperates with i.e. March Of Dimes and the Pregenia foundation.
i added this post from a moms blog who has an angel as well.....one of the moms from my preemie group send to me and really hit home. Just like the mom who posted this did i did the same i bolded and colored the ones that really matter to me.

20 Things parents of angels wish you would remember

1. I wish you would not be afraid to mention my baby. The truth is just because you never say my baby doesn't mean he doesn't deserve your recognition.

2. I wish that if we did talk about my baby and I cried you didn't think it was because you have hurt me by mentioning him. The truth is I need to cry and talk about my baby with you. Crying and emotional outbursts help me heal.

3.I wish that you could talk about my baby more than once. The truth is if you do, it reassures me that you haven't forgotten him and that you do care and understand.

4. I wish you wouldn't think that I don't want to talk about my baby. The truth is that I love my baby and need to talk about him.

5.I wish you could tell me you are sorry my baby has died and that you are thinking of me. The truth is it tells me you care.

6.I wish you wouldn't think what has happened is one big bad memory for me. The truth is the memory of my baby, the love I feel for my baby, the dreams I had and the memories I have created for my baby are all loving memories. Yes, there are bad memories too but please understand that it's not all like that.

7.I wish you wouldn't pretend that my baby never existed. The truth is we both know I had a baby growing inside of me.

8.I wish you wouldn't judge me because I am not acting the way you think I should be. The truth is grief is a very personal thing and we are all different people who deal with things differently.

9.I wish you wouldn't think if I have a good day I'm "over it" or if I have a bad day I am being unreasonable because you think I should be over it. The truth is there is no "normal" way for me to act.

10. I wish you wouldn't stay away from me. The truth is losing my baby doesn't mean I'm contagious. By staying away you make me feel isolated, confused and like it's my fault.

11. I wish you wouldn't expect my grief to be "over and done with" in a few weeks, months, or years for that matter. The truth is that it may get easier with time but I will never be "over this".

12.I wish you wouldn't think that my baby wasn't a real baby and it was blood and tissue or a fetus. The truth is my baby was a human life. He had a soul, heart, body, legs, arms and face. I have seen my baby's body and face. My baby was a real person.

13.My babies due date, Mothers Day, celebration times, the day my baby died and the day my baby was delivered are all important and sad days for me. The truth is I wish you could tell me by words or by letter you are thinking of me on these days.

14.I wish you would understand that losing my baby has changed me. The truth is I am not the same person I was before and will never be that person again. If you keep waiting for me to get back to "normal" you will stay frustrated. I am a new person with new thoughts, dreams, beliefs and values. Please try to get to know the real me --- maybe you'll still like me.

15. I wish you wouldn't tell me to have another baby. The truth is that I want the baby I lost and no other baby can replace him. Babies aren't interchangeable.

16. I wish you wouldn't feel awkward or uncomfortable talking about my baby or being near me. When you do, I can see it. The truth is it's not fair to make me feel uncomfortable just because you do.

17. I wish you wouldn't think that you'll keep away because all my friends and family will be there for me. The truth is, everyone thinks the same thing and I am often left with no one.

18.I wish you would understand that being around pregnant women is uncomfortable for me.

19.I wish you wouldn't say that it's natures way of telling me something was wrong with my baby. The truth is my baby was perfect to me no matter what you think nature is saying.

20.I wish you would understand that what you are really saying when you say "next time things will be okay". The truth is how do you know? What will you say it it happens to me again.

Saturday, May 29, 2010

bitter sweet.

so today was joshua's aunties graduations from high school a big milestone for both of them. For me it was a bittersweet experience. Today was supposed to be joshua's big debut. Instead there i was all dressed up make up on, all the while please excuse me feeling like Sh*t. I love and adore his auntie's and even though i knew it was going to be difficult for me i went because i love them. I dont expect people to understand what it is im feeling, how im doing that day or any day. Bieng a quite reserved person to begin with having to deal with the death of my son has been my Mt.Everest. Everyday i wake up feeling different, today is the day i will accept joshua passing on to the lord was for the best, tomorrow i will wake up questioning everything. Joshua was alive for six month, and before that spend six month inside me, he kicked and did little flips, he was a being, and when he was born i looked at him and saw perfection in my little one pound 8oz. Every little finger, every little toe just where it was supposed to be . Many people didn't know my pregnancy was high risk, me and jonathan chose to keep that private, when the doctor let us know the obstacles ahead the high risk because of bieng so premature we put all our faith and hope and said GOD we know this is your will and we know you wont take such a precious gift away. Six month passed with more Ups and downs then any roller coaster you know. In the end god's will was take our precious angel back to where he came. Why? i will never know. So today has been an extra hard day for me. there i was sitting in church listening to the commencement speeches all the while looking beside me thinking joshua you where sopposed to have been right here. two rows in front of us there was a little boy he might of been 1 and kept smiling and playing peek a boo, with a binky just like joshua's i couldnt help but cry. I dont expect people to understand me, to treat me different, i am mourning my beautiful child who to me was taking way to soon. I have remained in my room for the last month in hiding, why ? because being out in public hurts to much, i have always been a shy and quite person, i smile when im sopposed to and laugh when there's a joke, it's hard for me to be in public while in my head, in my heart im breaking, i have excluded myself from my family, friends, because 1. people don't know how to act around me. i do not like the fact they don't acknowledge joshua maybe it's because they think it' s painful, joshua was a BEAUTIFUL BEING, he was funny, smart and very flirty =) i hate it when people act like he never existed. he did ! right now it is painful for me to have to be around people when i see pictures of family members celebrating birthdays knowing joshua was sopposed to be in those pictures. my point being, today i realized something, maybe people dont know how to act because for six month joshua was in the NICU and no one got to know him but he was real, he was wonderful. I'm not sure how long the grieving process goes, who know ? not me, im not sure when the pain will subside, i dont know when i will feel like hiding under a rock is better then sharing a meal with a friend and laughing is OK because joshua would want me to. i dont know. what i do know is, joshua alexander existed. he touched SO many people my little man was amazing . i get it people you dont know how to act around me, all i ask is that joshua gets acknowledged. It's okay i LOVE talking about my chunky monkey. he will always be my son, my prince,my king, my heart, and my son for always and ever. Soooo when will i feel better ? when will i go party and not feel guilty ? when will i see a binky and not start crying ? who know's not me, not you, only god. because only he know's why he does the things he does and when he does it . I'm still angry with you lord, i know i shouldn't be and in time i will know why you chose to bring your angel back. but for now. Hi's Hello's, have you guys gone to see joshua ? those will do. =)

Tuesday, May 25, 2010

what if ...........

i've been having such a horrible day, i dont know why, i had a great weekend and thought i had dealt with some issues with joshy's passing but today all i seem to go over and over and over in my head is "what if " i keep remembering the two nights before he passed and it on constant replay in my head. i think this might have something to do with me remembering joshy was sopposed to be coming home soon. my husbands little neice just celebrated her 2 bitrthday and all his new nieces and nephews (for those of you that have been following my story 3 of us were sopposed to give birth a month apart) and seeing the pictures of all the daddy's holding their baby's and knowing joshy was sopposed to be in those pictures with jonathan smiling proudly..............sigh what if.

Monday, May 24, 2010

death is not the end....

So as everyone know's my chunky monkey recieved his wings on april 22nd. It has now been a month (can you believe it) and am barely starting to realize he really is gone. I wish the pain i go through daily on no one. I KNOW joshua is in a better place in heaven with god, and he took him because joshua's mission in life had been completed that and his vessel (body) wasnt the right one for him, i know he feels no more pain and plays with his cousin, this does and does not make me feel better. I am angry at god for taking my precious gift from me. But am privilaged to be a mother to a angel, a bieng who with six month of life touched more people then most people do there whole 70plus years of life. wow what an amazing person joshua IS, i dont like talking about him in past tesnse because because i believe he is still watching over us. making sure to guide us and remind us of the message he sent. One of eternal love. As for me how have i bieng doing ? how have i dealt ? i am not going to lie, the past weeks have been difficult, confused on why he was taking away from me, angry, scared, but mostly very angry. i have questioned my beliefes is their a god ? if so why would he let a precious boy suffer for six month, why would he make his family meet him and realize what an amazing bieng he is. to have him taking away,although very slowly i have started to realize joshua is in a great place his spirit was pure and brought family's together. joshua i miss you more then words can express, i hide my pain, i hold my tears, i smile , i laugh while suffering inside. you will forever be my prince, my king, my SON. i am honored to be your mother. although i only enjoyed you for six month and the pregnancy was a hard one, i would do it all over in a blink of an eye!

Wednesday, May 12, 2010

Joshy's primary trish send me this.

A Newborn's Conversation with God


A baby asked God, "They tell me you are sending me to earth tomorrow, but
how am I going to live there being so small and helpless?"
God said, "Your angel will be waiting for you and will take care of you."
The child further inquired, "But tell me, here in heaven I don't have to do
anything but sing and smile to be happy."
God said, "Your angel will sing for you and will also smile for you.
And you will feel your angel's love and be very happy."
Again the small child asked, "And how am I going to be able to understand

when people talk to me if I don't know the language?"
God said, "Your angel will tell you the most beautiful and sweet words you

will ever hear, and with much patience and care, your angel will teach you how to speak."
"And what am I going to do when I want to talk to you?"
God said, "Your angel will place your hands together and will teach you how
to pray."
"Who will protect me?"
God said, "Your angel will defend you even if it means risking its life."
"But I will always be sad because I will not see you anymore."
God said, "Your angel will always talk to you about Me and will teach you
the way to come back to Me, even though I will always be next to you."
At that moment there was much peace in Heaven, but voices from Earth could
be heard and the child hurriedly asked, "God, if I am to leave now, please tell me my angel's name."
God said, "You will simply call her, Mom."
Lift a mother's spirit; send this to every mother you know (no matter how
old her child is).


Tuesday, May 4, 2010

Thursday, April 29, 2010

Sunday, April 25, 2010

a little more detailed

here is the info again i know some people might be getting confused about service

tuesday will be open casket from 7pm-9pm wear black white is okay

adress:
885 El Camino Real
S San Francisco, CA 94080-4409
(650) 583-2510
ask for joshua escobar castillo



wed-will be closed casket 7-9pm same wear black white is okay
thursay - we will meet at 10:00 and be able to view josh till 10:30 at which time everyone will be getting ready to start the procession to cypress lawn. on this day we ask for everone to wear light color clothes white preferably joshua was a happy soul and i would like to celebrate his life.

adress : 1201 El Camino Real
Colma, CA 94014-3238
(650) 755-4477

Saturday, April 24, 2010

my angels service

here are the details for joshua's service. there will be an open cascet viewing from 7-9 on tuesday, wednesday will be from 7-9 as well wether it will be open cascet or not we have not decided considering he had liver and kidney failure his body has begun not looking in the best shape very fast. the funeral procession will be be on thursday we will be meeting at 11 then proceeding to cypress lawn in south san francisco/colma. the viewing is at garden chapel in south san francisco at all those who live nearby are welcome to come and i would appreciate it. once again THANK YOU i i love all you. any question please feel free to ask.

one more thing i would appreciate it if everyone wore white, khaki, or light colors joshua was a happy soul and i dont feel black would be appropriate for him. feel free to write your input.

joshua alexander castillo escobar oct 7 2009- april 22 2010

Tuesday, April 20, 2010

in my heart.

the dr's have descided if he goes into heart failue, they will not bring him back. i feel in my heart everyhing is going to be okay but the dr's have allready made the choice to not do anymore gases or give him anymre meds. my baby is going and i dont know what to do

pull support or ask for a miracle....

this is what its lead to six month of prayig and hoping and last night at 3 they called us to the hospital because they didnt think he would make it through the night. he has but all were holding on to is faith and a miracle. the dr's have sat me down to discuss taking him off support. im lost. im angry, im upset, and i dont want to give up but i dont want my baby to suffer, they assure me he's not in pain, but his organs are starting to fail. i dont know what to do, the lord has blessed me with the most amazing baby and now he seems to want to take him away im so angry. we have a meeting at 3 to discuss our "options". i spoke to hime last night and asked him if he was tired and wanted to let me let him rest to let me know, but if he wanted for us to keep fighting to let me know as well, and i swear he held my finger so tight. in my heart i have faith my mother instincts tell me he will pull through but dr's and modern medicine tell me the rate of him pulling through is minimul. BUT I'VE HEARD THIS ! they told me he wasnt going to be born, they told me, he wasnt going to make it, and time and time he pulls through. am i dillusional, am i avoiding the signs, my mother insinct tells me no, but am i right? words cannot describe how i feel. this is the only place i can vent, and i feel it in my heart he will be okay i can imagain him running around the house drawing on the wall, all the things moms wish. am i crazy.

Sunday, April 11, 2010

chunky monkey






here are some pictures, a day before he got really sick they are the newest one's because we havent taken any since he was so sick and not looking his best. the ones at the top the first one is him at one month old, and then at 5 months. the clothes he's wearing on the first picture are preemie size the smallest preemies and they were HUGE on him.