Sunday, June 27, 2010

The dreams in which im dying are the best i've ever had

Thank you all for being concerned about my well being.I continue to feel lost. This weekend me and jonathan decided to go out and try to have some "fun". Well we went to the warf because he knows i love clam chowder and all things seafood, and decided to take a boat ride called the "rocket boat" that goes 60mph for half an hour it felt like i was free just the ocean the breeze and us. The day continued we us meeting with my best friend and some of our other friends to head over to "pink party" its a street parade that goes on at night down and the castro for gay pride. I was trying SO hard to have fun but all that kept going on in my head was i would much rather be home with joshua (if he were still here) and how guilty i felt for trying to have fun, well we left at around 1am and then it happened. I had i full blow break down. I started crying hystericly and jonathan just held my hand and told me to just let it out and tell him how i was feeling. I let him know i felt angry, that i try so hard to find a reason on why joshy was taking away but the more i think about it the angrier i get. I just couldnt stop crying, we started driving home and though about all the great times we had with him and how he would make us laugh with his funny faces when he was sleeping, you would think this would make me feel happy but it just made me feel worse to know how much happy i was being around him. we have a upcoming trip to mexico with jonathan's family everything paid for, but i just cant seem to want to go, EVERYONE keeps telling me this will help me, but i feel like i well be the debbie downer in the corner moping.I know i will have to live with this pain for the rest of my life but i cant seem to come to the realization of how that is going to happen i know it's only been two month's but i feel so bad, as if though i should be handling everything better and im not.I have isolated myself because i hate having people feel uncomfortable around me and the only time i actually am OK is when my FB friends or babycenter friends reach out to me and ask about joshy or when someone who never met joshy ask to know his story it's as if someone lights up a big bright light and i get so happy to tell them about him. I know me and jonathan will NEVER be the same, as individuals or as a couple, i just cant seem to get past the angry phase, the depression phase, the WHY phase.

his cousin aida made him a special box.

World Cup Season.

His Primary ann made this card esp for him

One of his nurses liz gave us this card inside she filled the whole card on how much taking care of joshy meant to her and how he touched her, in the back was this. Now after receiving this card, in the matter of two weeks we saw THREE peacocks one while driving to childrens to drop of some items for his primarys,the other my sister saw a WHITE one which are extremly rare, and the third wandered right in front of our house. so amazing.

1 comment:

  1. I'm SO sorry you're feeling so much anger. I'm in the same boat as you...always asking myself why the hell did my daughter have to die. I would have welcomed death with her if I could. I just wish Joshy and Leila (my daughter) were still with us so we wouldn't have to feel this way. We would be home with our babies happy just watching them grow. I'm not really sure how long this can possibly go on either. There are days when I tell myself I think I'll make it and then others where I just can't imagine living the rest of my life without her. I'm so sorry. I hope you find peace soon...I hope we all do :/