The last month has been hell to say the least,it seems like all me and jonathan do is argue, our emotions are getting the better of us. I am angry at everything, i am angry that my son passed away, i am angry that i will never get to see him walk crawl, or laugh. So many mothers take little things like that for granted. I am lost and dont know where to go from here. Joshy gave me strength, he gave me happiness and although six month in the NICU were full of bieng scared my son was with me, i got to see his beautiful eyes and experiance changing diapers, getting peed on, pooped on, and they were are wonderful. I honestly dont know where i am at. I guess this is the point where i blame GOD. What good does that do ? .......Although me and jonathan have had our ups and down's through out our relationship, this experiance has tested us in a way no couple should be tested. Although we will make it our not time will only tell. He will always be my love and the father of my son, But unfortunatly this experiance has brought out the worst in both of us. I am not ashamed to admit that yes i have cotimplated suicide, the pain being to much to bear, then i think back at my beliefs, which lately i dont think i believe in anything, will i ever see joshy again ? is he happy where he's at ? does he know that he's my world ? so many questions that will never be answered. Lately me and jonathan have been seeing or better yet hearing joshy;s song in commercials and in trailers for movies. "kings and queens by 30 seconds to mars " are these signs that he's okay or just mere coincidences. i like to believe they are signs. Is my son a beautiful angel or is he gone. I saw the movie "the invention of lying" a couple of weeks ago and the way the character described death was nice, and then he confessed he really didnt know what happens after death do we go into a pit of nothingness and are simply gone. I have no idea what will happen from this point on, but to know i experianced love in the purest form is amazing and leaves me with gratitude, although for only six month, but they were amazing.
Mommy is not feeling to well and doesn't know what to believe what to think, how to act, If mommy decides to do something bad, please don't hold it against her, or think its your fault ITS NOT! i love you my king .
JOSHY SITE....he has a bird feeder and a wind chime.
Daddy talking to his boy.