Thursday, June 24, 2010

anger, and resentment.

The last month has been hell to say the least,it seems like all me and jonathan do is argue, our emotions are getting the better of us. I am angry at everything, i am angry that my son passed away, i am angry that i will never get to see him walk crawl, or laugh. So many mothers take little things like that for granted. I am lost and dont know where to go from here. Joshy gave me strength, he gave me happiness and although six month in the NICU were full of bieng scared my son was with me, i got to see his beautiful eyes and experiance changing diapers, getting peed on, pooped on, and they were are wonderful. I honestly dont know where i am at. I guess this is the point where i blame GOD. What good does that do ? .......Although me and jonathan have had our ups and down's through out our relationship, this experiance has tested us in a way no couple should be tested. Although we will make it our not time will only tell. He will always be my love and the father of my son, But unfortunatly this experiance has brought out the worst in both of us. I am not ashamed to admit that yes i have cotimplated suicide, the pain being to much to bear, then i think back at my beliefs, which lately i dont think i believe in anything, will i ever see joshy again ? is he happy where he's at ? does he know that he's my world ? so many questions that will never be answered. Lately me and jonathan have been seeing or better yet hearing joshy;s song in commercials and in trailers for movies. "kings and queens by 30 seconds to mars " are these signs that he's okay or just mere coincidences. i like to believe they are signs. Is my son a beautiful angel or is he gone. I saw the movie "the invention of lying" a couple of weeks ago and the way the character described death was nice, and then he confessed he really didnt know what happens after death do we go into a pit of nothingness and are simply gone. I have no idea what will happen from this point on, but to know i experianced love in the purest form is amazing and leaves me with gratitude, although for only six month, but they were amazing.

Joshua,
Mommy is not feeling to well and doesn't know what to believe what to think, how to act, If mommy decides to do something bad, please don't hold it against her, or think its your fault ITS NOT! i love you my king .



JOSHY SITE....he has a bird feeder and a wind chime.


Daddy talking to his boy.

2 comments:

  1. Oh Yesenia, I have no words that can comfort you. I only wish I could give you a big hug. I am so praying for you and am very worried about you. Please please talk with someone if you aren't already. Please feel free to facebook me if you need to....

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  2. I am so so sorry you are going through this. My relationship with my boyfriend has definitely been tested as well. I agree when you say this experience ha tested us in a way that NO couple should be tested. It's EXTREMELY hard to cope with the death of your baby and since we all grieve differently it's kind of like a slap in the face when you feel like your SO should be grieving the same as you or if they're not grieving like you'd expect/want them to. Me and my boyfriend have fought more these past few months after the death of our daughter than we EVER have in our whole relationship. This experience has changed us forever and we are completely different people now. I really hope that you both are able to accept and love these new people you two have become for who you both are. I know that all we want is our babies back so that we wouldn't even have to deal with this but we both know that won't happen and I absolutely HATE our new reality. I've been in a really dark place recently as well and I can tell you I have thought about suicide. I don't think I could ever really do it but it's crossed my mind. Now that my daughter's gone I question God and what SHOULD have happened and what I feel like he LET happen. Other people might disagree with me when I question his authority but I just don't understand WHY it happened to my daughter and so many other parents babies who are SO deserving of life. :( I honestly believe this when I say that I do NOT think Joshy would want you to kill yourself. Please don't take offense when I tell you this because I know you might think well YOU don't even know my baby, but I believe with all my heart he wouldn't want this. OF COURSE he wants his Mommy with him but I don't believe this would be the best way. Have you tried finding a support group in your area? Of course it doesn't bring back Joshua but it helps to talk to other who have also been through the death of a baby. You are not alone and MANY of us if not all have VERY similar feelings if not the same as you. I think you should really try to find someone to talk to it sounds like you really need some support right now. Again I'm SO sorry you are dealing with all this and if you EVER need anyone to talk to I'm always here. Also if you'd like I could help you search a support group in your area. Please go easy on yourself and I will be thinking of you.

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