Thursday, January 24, 2013

I know.

We commute almost every day.
We live about 45mins to an hour drive on a lucky day from the city. 
Our freeway drive to the city takes us right in front of Oakland children's hospital. Every time we pass I stare. Stare at the Hospital that was IS my second home. I stare where the NICU is and it's like x-ray vision. I can look at where level 3 is and a scenario plays in my head.

I stare and see myself rocking in my rocking chair, the chair doesn't have my name but day after day I have sat in this chair and it's mine. I'm next to joshy's bedside. He's sleeping. I rock back and forth starring at the monitor, beep beep beep. All is well. Maybe I can take a nap before I have to go pump, I close my eyes. An alarm goes off but already accustomed to our beeps I keep my eyes closed. It's not joshy's alarms, it's his neighbors, one of his leads must of come off. Our nurses phone rings, I open my eyes and look at the time, it's six. It must be Jonathan calling to check on Josh. Trish comes over and let's me know it was jonathan, she reminds me I need to eat, I should order my dinner before they stop serving. She's right I haven't eaten. I call and order my usual, Grilled cheese sandwich, tomato soup & soy milk. I let trish know I'm going to go pump and eat dinner in the waiting room. I shouldn't be long. She assures me Josh is fine and to take my time eating.

This scenerio plays in my head, it varies sometimes but the feeling is always the same. We pass and I feel like we just passed home. We need to go back. The hospital starts to fade. I see the rest of the cars and no one even acknowledges the hospital. They don't know part of my heart, my soul was left there the day josh passed. Most don't know there's a NICU. They don't know that right now, there's parent's praying, hoping,wishing for a miracle to save their child. They don't know that they have just passed the Hospital that holds babies that are the most strong spirited, bravest little beings they will ever know. They have no idea & I envy them because some don't even know what a NICU is ! I do, I know what the NICU is. I know.

Monday, January 21, 2013

Natty photo bomb

I realize it has been a while since I've posted pictures of natty but here is a photo bomb of the "best of natty" lol although I love taking pictures with my camera some of the best candid pictures I've taken are with my iPad or as Jonathan call it my other love :) I can't believe how big she's getting, I just looked at her smiling earlier this morning and she all her bottom teeth! Oh how I miss those gummy smiles. That hat that's she's wearing in some of her pictures is her favorite hat. Such a diva this one. She loves watching sports, she will cheer & give high fives to everyone when she sees everyone get excited. Her vocabulary is growing everyday and she just talk and talks, most I understand but some things she says are just blabber . I know she's trying to get her point across but I don't know what she's saying lol. A couple of weeks ago for fun I grabbed one of her big blankets and swaddled her, it was hilarious but sad because it brought into perspective just how big she is compared to when she was born. This age she's at is so much fun but I really miss her newborn stage. She was such a wonderful baby and I miss those days of just snuggling and rocking her. Cliche but kids really grow in a blink of an eye and although there's days I want to rip my hair out I am blessed to have been able to enjoy her and be a stay at home mom. I want to rewind time and have her be a newborn again I love this stage but miss her being a newborn.

I miss it

I miss it.

I can't believe I would ever say it because it was A LOT of hard work but I really do.

I miss nursing natty. I miss those months when it was just me & her and no one could do I was doing for her. Providing her the best possible nutrition possible. I miss her falling asleep as nursed her. I miss feeling so close to her and that special bond we formed. Yes it was hard and there were days when the pain, yes the first weeks were PAINFUL that I thought just one bottle, just one won't hurt but no, I owed this to myself, I finally had MY chance to nurse my child and I would be damned if I missed it. I longed to be able to nurse josh, I wanted to so bad but prematurity took that away from me and I had beat prematurity with natty and was going to up the stakes one more, I was going to nurse her not just because I wanted to, but because I could! It was my way of saying excuse my French "fuck you prematurity" nursing natty to me was more then being able to provide for her but it was a personal goal. I didn't have any control over what happened with josh but I had control over this and I was going to do it, and I did and man looking back at how fast those 13 months past, I miss it. I am in no way saying breast is best because I more then anyone know that's not true, I pumped and pumped for josh for 6 months but at the end my breast milk was not best for him, he needed formula, special formula that I was not able to provide. All I'm saying is that with natty it was the best for US, and for me it was a personal goal, a special victory I was going to accomplish come what may come I was going to nurse her and man when those 13 months were over I felt like their should of been a special parade with confetti and banners saying "take that prematurity!" ......

Take that! I came, I nursed, I freaking accomplished and I succeeded !

Saturday, January 19, 2013

Sandy hook

Good morning bloggers,

I'm here in the city at my my moms shop & boy is it cold. I'm usually much more of a cold weather type of person but (and I probably will regret saying this) I can't wait till summer.

Well the last time I wrote about how I wanted to share about the sandy hook shooting.

As the news broke and the stories started rolling in it was heartbreaking. Me and Jonathan were just sitting there watching the news and just in utter shock. How could so many kids be killed. The poor parents. As the hours rolled and all that you could see on t.v was about the shooting it started being too much for me. Yes it was about the shooting itself but as a child loss parent is was much more then that. It was about thinking about the parents that were never going to be the same. I knew that pain. It felt real, it felt close and I felt my self mourning might along side them. The next morning when still all you could see in the news was about the shooting and as pictures. & names of the kids started being released I actually saw tears stream down Jonathan's face. This hit home for us. It doesn't matter how you lose a child, the pain and everything that comes with it is the same. For us it brought us back to the start and brought us back to that feeling that our world was never going to be the same. We literally could not take it and I spent the next couple of days just watching re runs of shows that we're saved on my DVR because for my own mental health I could no longer hear about the kids. But, there really was no escaping, my news feed on Facebook was filled with pictures & names of the kids and details. As our local news station posted all the names of the children outpouring and comments rolled in that "how dare you media put the names of these children up" "you should respect their privacy" "take the names down" this struck a nerve on me. These people had obviously never lost a child or experienced anything remote to that. I don't know any of the parents who lost their child in the shooting but as angel mom I knew all those parents have left is keeping their kids memory alive. I never get into debates online but for all these people commenting I felt the need to put my two cents in & so I posted this

As a mother who lost her son at a young age I just wanted to say this. A lot of people are upset the children's names are being made public because the parents are grieving. These people don't understand all a grieving parent wants if for their child's life, name to be remembered and their life To be acknowledged. To quote Elizabeth Edwards -

"One of the things I always say to every group where I get a chance to talk about my book at all is to say, 'If you know someone who has lost a child or lost anybody who's important to them, and you're afraid to mention them because you think you might make them sad by reminding them that they died, they didn't forget they died. You're not reminding them. What you're reminding them of is that you remember that they lived, and that's a great, great gift.'"

Joshua was born, he was alive, we held him, he had a personality, he was a beautiful being & had a spirit unlike any I had ever encountered. To people it's been two years since he left but for us it's like he left yesterday. We miss him the same & love talking about him the same as we did when he was born.

Wednesday, January 9, 2013

We're still here!

Hello Bloggers!

Geez, it's been a while! So sorry for the oh, five people who read this :P I haven't been able to update. Sometimes it's hard  when you have so many other ways to get your thoughts out, facebook, twitter, instagram, I forget I have my safe place, my safe haven to vent all I want here.

Life has been good. I can't complain. Natalia is going to be TWO in march ? WOW! She is a beautiful, wonderful, full of spunk little girl. I Have no idea where my life would be with out her. She absolutely loves dancing, she is always smiling and full of energy, she LOVES food this girl can sure eat and although not most importantly because even if she wasn't it wouldn't make a difference, she is healthy. Me & Jonathan are convinced and truly believe Joshy sent us the most perfect baby. Speaking of me & Jonathan we have some pretty exciting news to announce! No, we are not expecting , I have written about that subject before & the question IF we will is still up in the air, but what I have to share is we are engaged! Most people thought we were already married but we are not. We have been through a lot and although it's not legal we consider each other 'married' but he finally got the courage and proposed. I mean who was he kidding, he's stuck with me lol . I will post pictures of the proposal . No set date yet but we're throwing a few of them out and will hopefully come up with a full plan soon. He proposed at his family's Christmas party. What a way to end 2012!

Everyone keeps saying "you guys deserve to be happy" and I think so too but this has actually led me to another light bulb moment. After everything we have been through I have felt a sense of entitlement from the universe. Like it owes me happiness but does it really ? Every time something good has happened I feel I deserve this because we are good people, I believe in Karma and so everything I put out into the universe let it be acts of kindness,actions, thoughts, anything I'll get it back but does the universe owe me happiness because we went through the NICU & childloss ? I thought so up until this week. A situation rose where I thought I deserved to have happiness more then someone else, this was MY time because we have been through hell so I was entitled to have this happiness. Then something happened, I came to the realization that the universe doesn't owe me crap. Yes we have been through pain that NO ONE should ever go through but we have also have experienced LOVE like no one has or ever will. We believe josh sends us blessings in disguises, go ahead think we're crazy but we really believe he has our back. I'm not sure if my point is coming across but I guess it's just this. My life, our life is not going to be easy, I'm a good person and so I truly believe good things will come my way but I will have to work for them. Event's, things will not magically appear because the world "owes" me, they will come because I'm a good person & because I've worked for them and because maybe a little angel in heaven is looking out for me and thinks i deserve it but not because I'm entitled to it. Just a little self realization moment I had this week. I'm not saying I wont ever complain to the universe "hey, what's going on!? you've given me my fair share of crap, I want my happy" but I'm just more aware that other people deserve good things to happen to them and that doesn't make my happiness any less great. You guys probably have no idea what I'm talking about but if you kind of understand then yay!

I am very excited as to what 2013 has in store. 2012 was truly a year full of very happy memories. Natalia turned one, and we actually got to experience our child turning one! It was magical. Me and Jonathan made our relationship even stronger when he became sick at the beginning of January and had to have emergency surgery. Our relationship reached a new level of commitment and I think that (if it was even questionable before) really proved to us "hey, we're in this for life, me & you!" He recovered and we got to experience our favorite baseball team going and winning the world series baby! We actually got to go to the First world series game here at At&T park in San Francisco, Home of the World series GIANTS! We got to go see Linkin Park, Jonathan's and now my favorite band. We got to listen to one of joshy's song be sung by them LIVE! It was amazing. We got FINALLY got to walk in the "March of Dimes Walk" in honor of joshy, it was such a amazing experience which we're planning on doing again this year! And of course we got to see our precious baby daughter turn into a toddler and start walking, running, talking, climbing, and become just a beautiful toddler! Just when I thought 2012 was a awesome year Jonathan proposes and makes 2012 a memorable year for sure. I'll leave you with a video and some pictures of that. I plan on blogging once if not twice a week to just get my random thoughts out there and keep documented Natalia's growth.

I realize I didn't write where I feel I'm at with my grief this post and it's weird because before Jonathan proposed I was in a "Ok" place but after I'm just overwhelmed with the fact that Joshua AND my Dad will not be there when me and jonathan get married. We have plans of having a tailor make a suit for monkey josh to wear so he can be the ring bearer but He physically wont be there and neither will my dad to walk me down the aisle and give me away. Also something that i wanted to write about but i think I'll make that my next post is about the sandy hook shooting and how it affected me & Jonathan.

Here are some pictures and a video of the proposal ! :)  enjoy!

Click the link to see the video  

The Proposal