If you are one of the few people who has followed my journey you are aware I suffer from clinical depression. I have written about it here. I have been very open about it. Its a part of me I hate but have come to terms with. Unless you have personally suffered from clinical depression, you really have no idea how physically, emotionally, just all around painful it is to live with. Mental health is such a taboo subject . People think that someone suffering from clinical depression can just snap out of it, but we can't. For me personally it's a day to day battle. Just in my last post I had written about how I had to go on med's again after being off of them for 6+ months. Jonathan has been with me for almost 9 years and he still doesn't fully get clinical depression. I will have "bad days" when I'm just down & start crying for no reason & when he asks me "what's wrong" and I answer with " I DON'T KNOW, I'M JUST SAD!" he doesn't get it. There's no reason. He has come a long way with understanding it better and I hate that I have put that burden on him, to have to "deal" with that in our relationship. Before me he had no idea about mental health. Unfortunately he has now come to be very aware of what Clinical depression, anxiety, panic attacks, and now PTSD is.
A year or two into our relationship I went into one of my deepest depression episodes. I stayed inside the house for literately 3 months. If he didn't make me eat, I wouldn't. Most of those 3 months were spent inside my room, laying in bed. He didn't get it. How someone could feel so depressed about life that they could just lay in bed for days or weeks and not eat. Not have any desire to live. It was during those months that I started cutting myself. To feel. It helped. During one of those cutting episodes is when I tried committing suicide. I didn't want to live anymore. Living was just painful and I didn't see a reason to continue. Jonathan stayed awake for almost three days guarding me and making sure I didn't succeed. I still don't know how I made it out of that episode. I've had other deep depression episodes and suicide is always on my head during them. Dying is always in my head. I'm not fearful of death. I think it would be liberating to die. Crazy to write that but that's the type of thoughts that go on in my head. Of course I have reason's to live & be "happy" my beautiful daughter but you see, the thoughts that go on in my head because of this disease are like this
- Jonathan would be better off with someone who isn't so socially awkward and weird
- You're a failure as a person. What have you done with your life ?
- Your family would be better off without you. All you are is a burden
This list could be very long because my head is just filled with negative thoughts. Its like a black hole and every day I try to climb out of it to reach some light. Some days I get to climb a little further than others and reach the light. Then there's days, weeks, months that go on and I'm living in the light with the darkness there but the light overcoming it but for whatever reason something happens, it can be something insignificant to some people but to someone with clinical depression it's so different. It a spiraling effect. One small thing leads to a day of sadness to a week until you're so deep into the darkness that suicide seems like the only way you'll be able to be free. Free. Free from pain, from darkness, from suffering and from this unmanageable sadness that you can't explain.
That is why I have mourned Robin as if I knew him. He has always been one of my favorite actors & comedians but his suicide hit so close to home. When I got the breaking news report on my phone my heart sank & as I read that it was from suicide I started crying. I know how it feels to be that deep in your depression that you just want to be free. In the days, weeks following his suicide so much information & so many people have started talking about clinical depression and mental health that it has been overwhelming. Overwhelmingly good & bad. I have seen so many posts with people speaking about their own battle but with those posts also come the negative ones. The ones of people who have no idea what its like to live with clinical depression or mental problems. It got so bad in the days after his suicide that I choose to deactivate my Facebook, I had just gone back on med's and being emotionally unstable having to see every other post be about his suicide and depression was just making my own depression worse not to mention I all of Joshua's preemie friends were getting ready to start Kindergarten and it was just too much.
So that is why the suicide of Robin Williams has been personal to me.
Genie: "I'm history! No, I'm mythology! Nah, I don't care what I am; I'm free hee! "
May his death open up the dialog of the taboo disease that is depression & addiction. It's an EVER DAY struggle.
Genie: "To be my own master. Such a thing would be greater than all the magic and all the treasures in all the world. But what am I talking about? Let's get real here, that's never gonna happen. Genie, wake up and smell the hummus."
Rest in PEACE Mr.williams, you're free