Tuesday, June 29, 2010

I'll stand by you - The Pretenders (with lyrics)

This song has been in my head since i woke up, i youtubed it and this video came up with lyrics, i know joshy wanted me to see it. he wants me to know that he will always be with me and not to be scared to be angry or cry. I hear you joshy it's just so hard....i'll try to be strong.

Sunday, June 27, 2010

The dreams in which im dying are the best i've ever had

Thank you all for being concerned about my well being.I continue to feel lost. This weekend me and jonathan decided to go out and try to have some "fun". Well we went to the warf because he knows i love clam chowder and all things seafood, and decided to take a boat ride called the "rocket boat" that goes 60mph for half an hour it felt like i was free just the ocean the breeze and us. The day continued we us meeting with my best friend and some of our other friends to head over to "pink party" its a street parade that goes on at night down and the castro for gay pride. I was trying SO hard to have fun but all that kept going on in my head was i would much rather be home with joshua (if he were still here) and how guilty i felt for trying to have fun, well we left at around 1am and then it happened. I had i full blow break down. I started crying hystericly and jonathan just held my hand and told me to just let it out and tell him how i was feeling. I let him know i felt angry, that i try so hard to find a reason on why joshy was taking away but the more i think about it the angrier i get. I just couldnt stop crying, we started driving home and though about all the great times we had with him and how he would make us laugh with his funny faces when he was sleeping, you would think this would make me feel happy but it just made me feel worse to know how much happy i was being around him. we have a upcoming trip to mexico with jonathan's family everything paid for, but i just cant seem to want to go, EVERYONE keeps telling me this will help me, but i feel like i well be the debbie downer in the corner moping.I know i will have to live with this pain for the rest of my life but i cant seem to come to the realization of how that is going to happen i know it's only been two month's but i feel so bad, as if though i should be handling everything better and im not.I have isolated myself because i hate having people feel uncomfortable around me and the only time i actually am OK is when my FB friends or babycenter friends reach out to me and ask about joshy or when someone who never met joshy ask to know his story it's as if someone lights up a big bright light and i get so happy to tell them about him. I know me and jonathan will NEVER be the same, as individuals or as a couple, i just cant seem to get past the angry phase, the depression phase, the WHY phase.


his cousin aida made him a special box.


World Cup Season.


His Primary ann made this card esp for him


One of his nurses liz gave us this card inside she filled the whole card on how much taking care of joshy meant to her and how he touched her, in the back was this. Now after receiving this card, in the matter of two weeks we saw THREE peacocks one while driving to childrens to drop of some items for his primarys,the other my sister saw a WHITE one which are extremly rare, and the third wandered right in front of our house. so amazing.

Thursday, June 24, 2010

anger, and resentment.

The last month has been hell to say the least,it seems like all me and jonathan do is argue, our emotions are getting the better of us. I am angry at everything, i am angry that my son passed away, i am angry that i will never get to see him walk crawl, or laugh. So many mothers take little things like that for granted. I am lost and dont know where to go from here. Joshy gave me strength, he gave me happiness and although six month in the NICU were full of bieng scared my son was with me, i got to see his beautiful eyes and experiance changing diapers, getting peed on, pooped on, and they were are wonderful. I honestly dont know where i am at. I guess this is the point where i blame GOD. What good does that do ? .......Although me and jonathan have had our ups and down's through out our relationship, this experiance has tested us in a way no couple should be tested. Although we will make it our not time will only tell. He will always be my love and the father of my son, But unfortunatly this experiance has brought out the worst in both of us. I am not ashamed to admit that yes i have cotimplated suicide, the pain being to much to bear, then i think back at my beliefs, which lately i dont think i believe in anything, will i ever see joshy again ? is he happy where he's at ? does he know that he's my world ? so many questions that will never be answered. Lately me and jonathan have been seeing or better yet hearing joshy;s song in commercials and in trailers for movies. "kings and queens by 30 seconds to mars " are these signs that he's okay or just mere coincidences. i like to believe they are signs. Is my son a beautiful angel or is he gone. I saw the movie "the invention of lying" a couple of weeks ago and the way the character described death was nice, and then he confessed he really didnt know what happens after death do we go into a pit of nothingness and are simply gone. I have no idea what will happen from this point on, but to know i experianced love in the purest form is amazing and leaves me with gratitude, although for only six month, but they were amazing.

Joshua,
Mommy is not feeling to well and doesn't know what to believe what to think, how to act, If mommy decides to do something bad, please don't hold it against her, or think its your fault ITS NOT! i love you my king .



JOSHY SITE....he has a bird feeder and a wind chime.


Daddy talking to his boy.

Tuesday, June 8, 2010

grieving.

where to start,
it has now been almost two month (wow) since joshy received his angel wings. I cant seem to believe that i'll ever feel whole again without him. Me and jonathan went to childrens hospital on monday to drop off his DVD video to one of his primary's in day shift. It was very weird because we have visited some of his primary's twice before this time and for some reason monday was different. we saw a lot of his "hospital family" each of them came to give us hugs and ask how we were doing, saying how strong we were to come and visit then it felt like somebody opened a door of emotions for both me and jonathan, for me i started thinking about the prior 5months of walking into that NICU as if it were our house, it was our house, and thinking about how joshy wasnt in room A but in his resting area at the cemetery. we didnt stay for long we just couldn't handle it. This week has been rough, they same time heals wounds but they just seem to become more raw. I don't know how im sopposed to get back to normal, but then i think and know my normal will never be normal, i lost my baby, i'm a mom although my son is in heaven i did have joshua (i have the scar to prove it) he was alive and made me and jonathan the most proudest,happiest people in the world ( we have the pictures to prove it) and he passed after six month. The whole time we were in the NICU me and jonathan knew,or so we thought, we would be walking out with our son, we dreamed and talked about that day at least once a week, that's what kept us going. We never thought we would see our joshy out of the NICU in his resting place. What i guess is hard for people to realize is my whole pregnancy was high risk, i fought so hard for joshy when the dr's were telling me he wouldnt be born,i fought because he deserved a chance, i dont regret the choices i made im just angry that the outcome wasn't how i thought. For the past year it was touch and go with joshy, starting with pregnancy but my little fighter fought. He lived for six months and made me the proudest mom. I miss joshy so much, i miss him in a way that only a mother who has lost a son knows, i dont wish this pain on anyone, it's a unnatural feeling to have to bury your son. That's not what were taught, as parents were sopposed to defend our children against everything and keep them from harm. I feel as though i have failed.

Wednesday, June 2, 2010

Tuesday, June 1, 2010

40 days....your Golden Halo and Wings





So today marks joshy's 40 days since leaving this earth onto the hands of god. In Catholicism 40days marks the day of accession when the spirt finally leaves earth and enters heaven or so i learned while i was in school (i went to catholic school my whole life) with that bieng said joshy was already in heaven because he was a baby and therefor had no sins to get rid of, and he got baptized a day before passing, (for those of you wondering what the pictures towards the end of the video of everyone surrounding joshy are, it's the night he got baptized. So today my little drama king received his "official" wings and halo. I can only imagine him and his little wings, heaven just got allot brighter! I have been going through my ups and downs this week but today was special for me, knowing my chunky monkey will be forever watching over me, although i miss him more then i will ever be able to explain, i know joshua's life had a purpose he reached so many people and through him and writing about my experience with him, i was able to meet many people although through the computer i feel privlaged to share my experiance with you ! if joshy taught me one thing, well he taught me ALOT but if i were to pick one is to stick to your instincts no matter what doctors tell you, the doctors told me joshua would not make it to 24 weeks guess what he made it to 29! the dr's told me he had glaucoma and would not be able to see guess what HE DIDNT HAVE GLAUCOMA and was able to see the silly faces mommy and daddy did to him. Yes he only spend six month in this earth but if my experience is able to reach one person then my experience was not in vain and neither was joshua's time on this earth. I may sound as though im okay with Joshua's death far from it, but knowing how much support i have received and how many people have written to me saying "joshua inspired me" it let's me keep going thank you to all you who have followed my story and followed joshua's life. I hope to keep sharing myself and my thoughts and ups and downs. joshua my little monkey you had a planned you never shared with mommy but little by little im starting to see. I LOVE YOU MY DRAMA KING. i cant wait to share the picture of his tombstone,they said it should be finished by the end of the month but for now, me and jonathan and everyone else have been decorating his site with different things, for example a brazil flag and argentina for the world cup! mommy and daddy's team. and one flag for Nicaragua and one for El salvador representing mommy and daddy's roots. Oh one more thing me and jonathan have asked our friends and family in the bay area to contribute to the cause of helping childrens hospital in oakland and everywhere in honer of joshua. thanks.