Friday, September 16, 2011

Preview

Me and Jonathan haven't been out with friends in just about two years, probably a little more then two. If you would like to see a preview of what our first night going out is probably going to look like. check this video out. Yup i will be dancing thinking i am usher.

Wednesday, September 14, 2011

My truth on a rainbow

The title of this post is MY truth, because this is MY truth on what it's like having a rainbow (a baby born after a loss) this may not be how another rainbow mom feel's or thinks, but this is how i feel.

I'll start of with this,

this past week we were at costco buying my mom's birthday gift, we went to the food court because seriously who can resist buying a soda & hot dog for $1.50 ? or a slice of pizza for 2.00 not me, well me and Jonathan each got a slice, I was carrying Natty in our pikkolo (for those of you who don't know it's the most awesome baby carrier, at least i think so =P) we sat down to eat and a young guy about our age, very chatty started commenting on how natty wanted some of our food, she kept reaching for it and looking at me with sad puppy eyes like i hadn't fed her in ages, he started small talk and then asked Jonathan THE question

"is she your first ?"

i was starting to get up when the guy asked this question & i waited for the response

"yeah, she's my first"

Ouch. He proceeded to tell the guy to have a nice day & we walked outside neither of us mentioning what had just happened, yet both of us knowing "what had just happened"

Now two things came to mind,

one, how dare you say she is your first!

two, although it was hard to hear, i must admit i have done this once or twice before.

This one question that's very simple causes a lot of mixed emotions for the following reason, one you know if you answer correctly meaning "no, she is not my first she is my second" you will get the following question "oh how old is your other" how do you answer this question? usually i have no problem answering with the following "my son passed away at six months" at which point the other person gets extremely uncomfortable and it just makes whatever situation weird. It's really a lose, lose situation. In one hand your knowingly about to make the other person uncomfortable, but seriously who cares, your telling the truth and keeping your son's memory alive, but in the other hand, why should you put someone in a situation where the feel uncomfortable or make them feel sorry for you?

Me, personally i have to say i always say "no she is my second", yes i know the akward moment is about to come but i can not bring myself to denying joshua. That does not mean i am not okay with jonathan saying she is because It's not like he's denying joshua, I, more than anyone know how much he loves, how much he misses his little guy, Just today he called me from work saying how he was watching a show on his phone & there was a scene were the guy loses his son & he cried a bit, there is no denying that man loves his son, so even though my answer feels right for me, just because it comes out that easy to say "yes, she is my first" to not have to experience that weird moment after doesn't mean it doesn't torment him inside.

Most people think having a rainbow heals all your wounds. No rainbow's do not heal your wounds, they bring joy back into your life, remind you there is still great things in the world, and that good things can still come your way even after experiencing the worst possible thing that can ever happen to you,

BUT here is MY truth,

Natty has brought joy back into my life, i think I have written that a lot in my blog, it's the truth she has, i could not have asked for a better daughter, seriously she is freaking awesome! sometimes i hold her and just cry because i just love her so much, becoming attached to her has been a struggle and until about two months ago i can honestly say i have really let myself just go with my feelings, let my self completely fall in love with her & just fall head over heels. When she was born i kept waiting for something bad to happen, even now i still do, but it's different, although i am terrified of something happening to her, i am much more in tune with my feelings towards her. I am not sure this is making any sense.....Her pregnancy was very difficult for me, emotionally. I was all over the place because my number one fear was that i was not going to love her as much as josh. Me & josh had a special journey, we have a special story together, i wanted natty so bad and went full force to getting pregnant with her, that when after just two months of trying i became pregnant with her, i was kinda like "wait, i don't think i'm ready" i wasn't ready for the mix of emotions that were about to come along, i felt torn in two. One feel super excited for bringing a new blessing into this world, but in the other feeling super excited knowing that someone new was about to fill our hearts and with that josh was about to be left behind in a way. Of course now with time i have found a middle, how to love natty but still keep joshua's memory alive i think i have found the best of both worlds. It has not been easy by any means and it's a daily struggle, joshy is on my mind everyday, there isn't a day that goes by that i don't think about him, we try to include him into our lives and into natty's life. I did keep out some of his toy's that he used while in the NICU for natty to use & i must say out of all the toys she has these one's seem to be her favorite

see the glow worm mirror she loves this


Do you see it in the upper left hand corner ?



His freedie the dragonfly


See anything familiar ? =)



In a way i like to think he's playing with her too.

I guess my point is being a rainbow parent is hard,
very hard.

In one hand you have your love for the son who has made you into the person you are today, in the other you have this new person who isn't taking over, isn't replacing her brother, but IS bringing joy into her parent's life that had been taken away. You have your should of been life, & this new life. Sometimes you wonder of your should of been life, what would of it had been like right now, it would be completely different you wouldn't be more happier....but it would just be different. This new life isn't easier, it's not better, it's not happier, i just have my little girl to remind me that this new life wouldn't of been possible with out our old one. Everything happens for a reason, Oh how i hate that quote, but then......how true it rings sometimes.

Monday, September 12, 2011

September 12,2011

As I was wrote in one of the post that was put up last night, i somehow managed to delete my posts from November last year till now. I stayed up till 5:30 AM researching how to get them all back. I somehow managed to get most of them back, i am now at 89 post when prior i was at 108. I have been kicking myself all day (and night) for managing to skrew up my blog, however in this wonderful world of technology we live in there is always a trace of what we put up in the internet so i was able to recover most.

Well my birthday was on sunday, I am now 26 although inside really i feel much older then that. I spend the day at home with family, i couldn't have asked for a better birthday gift then the one i got from jonathan though. As we women all know most if not all men lack that gene of being thoughtful in gifts they get, jonathan is a very amazing man don't get me wrong, but like most men i can hint at things i want & in the end he will end up getting me flowers & a card. Most women love flowers, will add this to my list of weird traits i have, i do not like receiving flowers. Really it's because although they are such a beautiful gift really your giving someone a task, they must water them, then see them die, and i don't know i just really don't like getting flowers. So moving on My birthday gift from jonathan, he woke me up singing happy birthday, holding natty with this balloon


and gave me this card





along with this turtle, according to him it reminded him of me because of the sad eyes, hehe i thought it was adorable

It was the best birthday i have had in a LONG time. The card was perfect lol, he loves me more then beer =P . My guess is he remembered my blog post from last year Click here to read that post because it's exactly how i wanted to spend my last birthday. So if your reading this babe, i must say you got extra cookie points for sure, you & natty made my birthday!

Now to a very special message i received from my joshy on my birthday. Me and jonathan were watching the season finale of true blood, well one of the characters significant others passed away and his spirit came back to visit him (yes they're both men) to tell him not to mourn him, he was in a better place, to not feel bad & the was in a truly better place, well as the scene passed jonathan says,

"wouldn't it be great if that really happens, the spirit would be able to come back and tell us they're OK, if joshy was able to come to me and tell me, don't worry dad i'm OK"

that was the end of the sentence when our monitor went off because natty let out a little cry, we have a angel care video monitor so were able to see through the monitor if she is waking up, we thought she was waking up, but nope she let out one single cry right at that exact moment jonathan finished his sentence and we didn't hear another peep from her all night. Me and jonathan looked at each other like "seriously did that just happen" I don't know about you but seriously that was my little guy sending us a message through his sister telling us what we already know in our hearts, he's okay. He's with us always not physically but his spirit is ALWAYS around. That was the perfect way to end my birthday and so with that i must say 25 treated me well 26 whatja got ?

And here is the photo bomb i promised (even though that post is gone i think) for those of you that read that post here are the pictures.











With her great grandma (jonathan's dad's mom) visiting from Nicaragua




Having some bananas she's so funny eating she will eat a spoon then suck her thumb, then fuss for some more then repeat, oh natty your such a character.



and of course i just realized the pictures are not being lined up with the appropriate caption *sigh* i give up!!

Dexter

So two weeks ago was the season premier of Dexter, for those of you that are not familiar with this show it's on showtime and it's about a serial killer. This whole show premiering was just a reminder that joshy's birthday is near. Now you may be asking how can Dexter remind me of joshy.

Like anybody who has had a preemie even more with a micro preemie the dr's let you know how important your breast milk is to your baby. "liquid gold" it's called. So after being a couple of hours out of my c-section with joshy in the NICU they brought over the pump told me how to use it and so i started pumping, nothing came out the first couple of times but soon the colostrum (the first milk that comes out during the first couple of days) started coming out. The next day i was obsessed with trying to get as much milk out as possible and thought i wasn't producing as much as i should, so the lactation consultants kept telling me to relax and pump and keep my mind on something else, hold a blanket that had joshy's smell to stimulate the milk to come. Well they were not really giving anything in TV so jonathan had his laptop and on it he had the entire season of Dexter. He had been telling me of the show but i thought it was a crazy show and how could a show about a serial killer be so popular. Well i gave in and said well i'll pump while we see a episode to keep my mind of how much milk i was pumping. So we started watching the first episode and sure enough i had filled up my first little tiny bottle i was so happy and Jonathan was so proud of me. So for the next four days while i was in the hospital, we would go to the NICU to hold joshy go back to the room to eat and then watch dexter while i pumped.
Those days we spend in the hospital felt the most normal as a family, yes joshy was not in the room with us but he was in the same building we were sleeping in. I remember those nights i would be ready to go to sleep and jonathan would tell me i'll be right back im just going to go make sure Joshua is doing okay. He would come back smiling ear to ear. I would wake up in the middle of night to go to the bathroom and Jonathan would be gone, i knew where he was in the NICU checking on Joshua. We had no idea the journey we would be embarking. I can't believe that in a couple of days that was exactly a year ago. I remember the second day sitting down with dr.berrios and julia the resident who might i just add strangely enough both were the Neonatologist who were there when joshua was born and were also the ones who had to tell me joshua would not make it six months later, joshua was born at alta bates and passed away at childrens hospital, it was a big coincidence BOTH were at childrens during joshua's last weeks because all the residents and NEO's rotate between other hospital, four other's if im not mistaken so it was a big coincidence. So getting back i remember the second day sitting down with dr.berrios and julia and both of them telling me we were in for the long haul, of course they meant his due date which was three months away but i dont think anybody could predict that the long haul was really six months and that there would be no happy homecoming instead there would be a service and a funeral.

Disney

Anyone thats knows me knows i am the biggest disney fanatics ever, as a child i collected the disney movies, as an adult still loved everything Disney. I started collecting the Disney classic as they are starting to come out on Blueray and when joshy was born i was so excited that when he finally came home i would see these movies with him. Me and jonathan talked about the first time we would take him to disneyland, we knew this wouldnt be for a couple of years since he was a preemie and didnt want to have him around so many germs but most of our drives from home to the NICU would be spend talking about how wonderful the first time he would go to disneyland would be. I thought about buying his first pair of mickey ears with his name and taking pictures right in front of the magic kingdom. It was like a right of passage for me as a mom to take him to Disneyland. I never thought he would get to have his first pair of ears but they would be placed on his grave site. As the holidays start coming starting with halloween the Disney commercials are starting to come on t.v the ones with disneyland getting ready for halloween. I change the channel, just another reminder of a dream that will never get full filled. Halloween is next month and oct 7 approaching fast, i keep thinking about the birthday party i should be planning for joshy. It was going to be the most over the top birthday party for a one year old, me and jonathan and our family had talked about, joshy deserved it and although he wasn't going to remember his first birthday when he saw the pictures when he was older we would show him how extravagant his birthday was cause he was a little miracle.

My Birthday

Well my birthday came and went, im officially 25 years old, as of sept 11, and my life is completely different then i would have imagined a year ago. My day was spend going to visit joshy and then going to chevy's with jonathan, i got the best card from my sister and brother in law, it was a yoda card and inside it said, "full fill your destiny you must" like many of you have read from my last post i have been in bed for the last 3 months in deep depression so this card was a reminder i have some more stuff to do in life not sure what it is but maybe i'll find out. So i woke up On my birthday and lay down in the bed while jonathan slept a while longer and thought about how i pictured spending this birthday and how it was far from what i thought. Last year for my birthday i was on bed rest trying to keep joshy cooking in the oven as long as possible, we had reach our goal of 24 weeks and where going strong. I imagined spending this birthday with jonathan and joshy waking me up to sing happy birthday, joshy would babble and would smile and laugh and i would think "this is the greatest birthday ever". That's not the birthday i had. I will never have another birthday with joshy. I am thankful i at least got to spend one birthday with him. I spend one halloween, one christmas, and one new year, they where not how i imagined but i got these special dates with him. The trees are now changing colors and fall is coming. The nights and days are getting a little bit colder that show just how much time has gone by since i laid joshy down forever, almost five months, some days it seems like it's been longer and some days it feels like it was yesterday. Im trying to hang on to to all the thoughts i have of him, every single smell, every single moment i spend with him, but some are slipping away and i hate myself for that. I want to remember every wonderful part of the six months i spend with him, yes the good and the bad. Every scare i had and everytime he pulled through and proved the dr's wrong. Im trying to think were i will be a year from now, will i have found some type of peace with joshy's passing ? i know the pain will never go away but will the days be a little better to deal with. I think as a parent you have a couple of goals, one to make sure you baby is happy and another to hope they make an impact in the world, i never thought joshy would accomplish this in six month. For this and for so many of other reason's i am the PROUDEST mom ever!

Depression

I haven't blogged in such a long time. The reason for this, i haven't had the energy. How can someone not have the energy to type a couple of sentences on her laptop you may ask ? very simple and complicated, one word DEPRESSION. Most people go through a couple of days of feeling low energy very sad crying spills things like this for oh a couple of days but be able to shake it off and get up and get out. Well not me. I suffer from depression, clinically diagnosed and take medication for it. Many people suffer from a "mental instability" but are to embarassed to admit it or say it for everyone to know, im not. It's part of me.
When Joshy was born although my doctors though because of already diagnosed depression, my post pardum depression risk were very high, somehow i managed to keep it under control. Although having to spend six months in the NICU took some type of toll on me, seeing joshy everyday made my depression disappear, i had a reason to fight everyday to get up and get moving. This was the happiest time in my life, not the easiest, but the happiest, yes there was ups and downs during those six months but as long as joshua was fighting so would I. Along with depression i have anxiety, and panic attacks. I very much dislike bieng in large groups of people, this to became non existent while in the NICU, joshy's NICU social worker knew about my condition and said you could never tell i had these problems because while in the NICU i was able to sit down, some of the country's leading dr, and go toe to toe asking them questions and staying on top of what they should be doing with josh. It wasn't surprising to see me as the LION protecting her young cub, this is what a mommy should do. Moving on to where i'm at now, My depression has consumed my life. I have no life. I read story's of mom's who have lost babies and they continue to live, but not me. My bed, My room the four walls that are inside my room have become my refuge. I eat because I must, jonathan makes me eat if it was up to me, there's no need. I get out of the room, to use the restroom, i have gone days without showering, and going outside,only seeing if its cloudy or sunny from my window. This has not been going on for a week or two, but for about 2-3 months. I have seeked helped and it doesnt seem to be working. I have contemplated entering a mental health facility and am starting to think this may be the only way to get out of this depression. I have been in a deep depression twice before, and yes i have tried committing suicide because have seen no way out. This time i have thought about it, haven't gone through with it, but the thoughts are there. This isn't the life i thought i would be living and to someone reading this it might seem like something very easy to change but when you have lost all hope and feel like there's nothing good left in life, it's not easy. When your brain isn't normal, it's not working the way it should it's not easy. I hate seeing my family see me like this and most of all i hate jonaathan seeing me like this, he has gone through the loss of joshy, and is now has lost me. My body is here, my mind is lost in it's own. In thoughts of sadness, of what should of's and of missing my son so much that life has no meaning.

For Jonathan

I read this poem and just had to post it for jonathan, joshua was his pride and joy and sometimes i forget just how much he misses him because i'm dealing with my own pain, but this post is just for jonathan, joshy was his son too and i know it hurts him just the same, he's cried with me, and tries to be strong for me, which in turn doesn't allow him to show his pain in worry it might make me more sad. As soon as i started reading this poem it made me start crying.

My dad is a survivor too
which is no surprise to me.
He's always been like a lighthouse
that helps you cross a stormy sea.
But, I walk with my dad each day
to lift him when he's down.
I wipe the tears he hides from others;
He cries when no one's around.
I watch him sit up late at night
with my picture in his hand.
He cries as he tries to grieve alone,
and wishes he could understand.
My dad is like a tower of strength.
He's the greatest of them all!
But, there are times when he needs to cry...
Please be there when he falls.
Hold his hand or pat his shoulder...
And tell him it's okay.
Be his strength when he's sad,
Help him mourn in his own way.
Now, as I watch over my precious dad
from the Heavens up above...
I'm so proud that he's a survivor...
And, I can still feel his love.

My goal.

So this year would of been the first year that natty would of walked in the march of dimes for her big brother, but jonathan got assaulted at work the night before and didn't get home till about 4:30am because he had to go to the E.R to get his hand checked out. The walks is one of the things that i want to make part of our family tradition to celebrate joshy's life. This along with bringing special items to the NICU every year, i know what it's like to be in the NICU for months and to try to make your son's crib his little space seem as "his" as possible to make it feel like home. So i've been trying to mentally prepare myself because in the next couple of weeks natty will be going to meet joshy's nurses and i plan on bringing some gifts along for them to hand out to the family in celebration of the safe arrival of joshy little sister and we plan to finally take natty to the special garden where we held joshy after he passed away, this will be a full circle moment. I know no matter how prepared i am to make this visit i WILL break down, how can i not, but i can't wait for the people that mean and meant so much to joshy to meet natalia. They're my nicu family and i plan for natty to make visits every couple of months so we can bring blankets, toys,etc to the families in the nicu.

well i will try to start blogging everyday again, http://joshuacastilloesco.blogspot.com/even if it's just to update with pictures, on reading back i realized and remember how much writing actually helped me, plus it's a great way to document things, an online diary. Besides no matter how much i think i've actually become more vocal in the last couple of months i know there will never be a better way to express myself then with writing i have always been this way. I will try to post everyday or at least every other day even if it's just a couple of sentences or a picture, this is my goal. With natty in a schedule at least a predictable schedule now, i know i can find time to do this everyday.

PSA

If your wondering, hmm the blog looks nice but what the heck is going on ?

this is what happened. I accidentally deleted all the post had to do some very major investigation and reading on how to get my post back, it is now 5:16AM and i have been up all night going at this to make sure all my post are back. Im tired but it was really important to me to have all my post. This is my online diary and one day natty will read this......well i'll update tomorrow, im sorry for all the confusion but hey! HOW DO YOU LIKE MY NEW LOOK ?? we now have tabs up there so she can go to different pages , learn about joshua, natalia, see videos of them, and new stuff that will be coming up. WHAT DO YOU THINK ? im excited. well i'm going to try to get some sleep. again sorry for the confusion but all the post are back just not in the quite correct order.....

A king turns One

I havent posted in a while,every time i get to writing i have so much going on in my head i can't get my thoughts together to type them down. Where to start.

As everyone knows joshy's birthday was Oct 7. Seems like it crept up on me, i kept counting down the days until Oct 7 but before i knew it here it was. We woke up that day and on the ride to bring joshy's presents and balloons to him, me and jonathan kept looking at the time, and remembering what were doing at that moment a year ago. Me and jonathan were picking up joshy's balloon's at party city and my sister called me that she,my brother in law and pappa bear had just left the cemetery, and joshy's tombstone had been placed and it looked perfect. I had been bugging the cemetery calling them every day to remind them that joshy's birthday was coming up and that i wanted to make sure his tombstone was there by then. While at party city getting some stuff to decorate joshy's site with "my first birthday" themed items i started crying and thought this is horrible. We walked over to the register gave them the balloons we wanted inflated and picked out the rest of balloons that were behind the counter,they were pretty busy and the lady asked me

her: when is the party ? is it today can you come back for them ?
Me: We can wait, but we need them by today,
Her: okay, so big party huh ? your celebrating someone first birthday ?
Me: yes our sons he turns one today
Her: Oh how great, where's the party at ? do you want some extra helium to make them last longer?
Me : uhmm no actually the balloons are for a balloon release and were headed to the cemetery
Her: Oh im so sorry we'll get these filled right away don't worry.

so we headed down to joshy, my mom was on her way to meet us there, when we got there joshy already had some new toys and balloons and flowers there, his tombstone looked perfect. We waited for my mom, she brought him some more balloons, with a Little sculpture of a swan with a baby on her back, the swans wings were wrapped around the baby, it was beautiful. We got ready to let the balloons go, jonathan recorded my mom let hers go and started crying, i held on to mine, i really didnt want to let them go, but as they slipped from my fingers it was like having to let joshy go all over, i held it together pretty good, right up till it was time to say goodbye and we started walking away, me and jonathan held hands and walked away i looked back at joshy and stopped and just held on to jonathan we both cried.







The weeks since then have been more depressing, i sit and watch t.v and listen to the house be so quite, it shouldn't be so quite, it should be filled with laughter, with me telling joshy "NO don't throw that, No Joshy, dont hit the doggy," my day's should filled with calling jonathan and telling him " you have no idea what your son just did" with posting pictures online of joshy wearing a adorable outfit, not with how his tombstone looks, but this is life. I have my good day's and my very bad day's today is a in between one.

Joshy's life was so short, but i can't believe how much he touched people. I have met so many amazing people and have received amazing e-mails from people saying that they had read about joshy's story and how they were touched by him. Through our journey i have met an amazing set of women, my preemie mom's. for joshy's birthday they all put together a video of there little one's and them releasing balloons for joshy. Me and jonathan watched the video together and were speech less. here it comes again, my brain block, i have so many thoughts running through my head that i can't put them in order. i guess what im trying to say is, joshua's journey has led us through a path of meeting amazing people that otherwise we would of not have met, i guess this is the silver lining ? actually there are a lot of great AMAZING things that came from joshy's journey, this not including the little miracle himself JOSHY!! I can not thank everyone who remembered joshy on his birthday enough. I think when a parent loses her child one of her fears is that her child will be forgotten. to have so many people remember joshy on his special day made this very emotional day, a bit more bearable.

heres the video





have a lot more to write about including the sad news that my dad recently passed away. He is now with joshy in heaven. My dream when joshy was born was for my dad to meet him, my dad lives in el salvador, when he retired he decided to move back over there, and has lived there ever since. He had been sick for the last couple of months but non-the less it was still a shock. He had gotten sick during the same time joshy was in the NICU, but had recovered. Every time i talked to him he would ask about joshy, and told me how he couldn't wait to meet him. When joshy passed away my dad was still recovering from a stroke so his memory was a little off, and speech not to great, the last time i talked to him he still thought i was pregnant with a girl, for those of you that have followed my story, the dr's thought joshy was a girl untill we got the amnio done to make sure he didnt have a serious chromosomal issue, turned out joshy was a boy of course, so like i said i talked to my dad and didnt have the heart to tell him his grandchild had passed, so i went along with it. I know they're together in heaven now, and my dad is overjoyed to the fact that he has a grandson.



Me and Jonathan

well today i have decided to write about how me and jonathan came to be. our story

I went to high school with my really good friend arnaldo. We stayed really good friends and a year or less after high school he started dating my best friend who i have known since i was five. Her name is channella. Arnaldo introduced me to some of his other friends and i started dating one of them named will. During one of our nights out we met up with some of his cousins, and one of them was jonathan. We were at a house party and he was there, he was smoking and offered me some, i told him i did not smoke, and we started small conversation. We ended the night and i saw him other times because we were always at the same house party's and ran in the same circle of friends. Every time always talking,and just leaving it at that, i was dating someone after all, and at the time i was "in love =P oh how i laugh now at the fact that i thought what i had with will was love. well a year and a half went by and me and will stopped dating. Me and jonathan kept seeing each other at party's and i would hear from his cousins (he has ALOT of cuousins) that he liked me, i kinda knew already but wasn't ready to start dating and to be honest i just saw him as a friend. Well a couple of months went by and i hadn't seen him so i decided to message him on myspace (yes i made the first move hah) we started writing back and forth and he invited me to go to a giant's game, he says now that wasn't a date but i think it was lol. So after that we started talking on the phone and seeing each other more and went on our first official date to go see mr.and ms.smith. At this point jonathan had asked me to be his girfriend, i said no, the first time because i wasn't ready to be in a serious relationship and so we kept dating, might i add this whole time he was really shy and had no kissed me yet, so once again i made the first move and we had our first kiss, while i was dropping him off at home after one of our dates lol. Well after two attempts of asking me to be his girl friend i said yes. I am so happy he was persistent because he is really my soul mate. I am also really happy it took us two years to get together after we had known each other because we both had our fun and once we got into a relationship we were both committed. Now we both have talked about the first time we saw each other and what our first impressions were. He thought i was conceited the first time he saw me and i thought he was shy. well, we were both wrong, i am so far from being conceited and he is FAR from shy, he is the life of the party and is a social butterfly, which i love because i really am shy, so i think we balance each other out. He tells me now, that after meeting me the first time, he knew he would marry me. He knew i was with someone but that he was patient because he knew i wouldn't stay with him and we would end up together, that he really thought about getting into a relationship with me because he knew once we got together that would be it for him. The connection me and him have is really amazing , i truly believe in soul mates and i know jonathan is mine. He is my bestfriend and my partner in everything, i know no matter what he will always look after me. He has gone through a lot with me, and has stuck with me, through my very bad depression, i tried to commit suicide during our second year together because i was so badly depressed about life, he would stay awake at night to take care of me and make sure i slept and didn't try anything. He would bring me food and made sure i ate. I am not proud of this time in my life, but he has truly seen me at my complete worse. After five years together, and knowing each other for 7, he is the one of the greatest person i know. We have been tested as a couple in ways that no couple should be tested. I fall more in love with him with seeing the way he loves his kids so much. He is a great father, a great friend, a great partner, and a great man. We both have been tested in our relationship and can say we have really survived being tested. Many people say that having a baby in the NICU will break a relationship up, but the complete opposite happened to me and jonathan, we both talk about how even though it was the most stressful yet joyous time in our life, including my pregnancy we never fought, not once during that time. Our bond was the strongest. After joshy passed away is when i think, we as individuals and as a couple got tested, as parents, we couldn't comprehend (well even now we can't) how our child could have died. We fought the most during the couple of months after joshy's death and broke up for a couple of days. I really thought we were done at that point, not because i wasn't in love with him, but because i was angry at the world, i wanted to crawl in a hole and die too, and i thought that even though he wouldn't admit it he blamed me for what happened to josh, after all i still go through that now, blaming myself for my body not doing what it was supposed to do. we managed to work things out and work through our own grief and allow each other to understand how we were both grieving differently. Were the only ones that understand each other. We have both helped each other grow, at least i know he has helped me. He is such a great father to natty and was and continues to be such a great father to joshua. This is going to sound so corny but i can honestly say with all my heart, that after five years together i still get butterflies when he looks at me a certain way or when i get hugs. =) well that is my post about us.

Best video ever

Okay this has made me and jonathan's week. You just have to watch but there are really no words to describe the biggest smile i have from being able to catch this on video. She has only done this three times and i caught it on video!



Im sorry Mommy

Today natty decided it would be great to bite me four time, at different occasions, while nursing. I screamed and she would then smile, i REALLY hope this is not something new, and something she just thought would be fun for today. The last time i decided to have a talk, and she apologized. It was our first out of many heart to heart apology talks i'm sure .

I now KNOW



well, i haven't kept my promise. I promised to update as much as i could and i haven't. =( . Let's see, What's new. Natty turned Three months on the 18th! Where the heck has the time gone ? I swear it feels like i was just pregnant and now she's three months, in a blink of a eye. This week she has really discovered her voice, she will babble and talk back, and is a real ham and just likes smiling, but overall likes observing and really pays attention. Everyday i fall more and more in love with her.

This week has really been a joshy week for me. I'm not sure where to start. Me and jonathan have always believed that his spirit is with us, and as much as it hurts to know he is not physically with us, and he had to go through everything he did, in our hearts we know our son had a bigger purpose, he spirit came into this world to touch a lot of people, and he managed to do that. His time on this earth was brief but boy did he accomplish more then i will ever in this lifetime. Well like i was saying me and jonathan have always felt his presence, i know some people might see it as a grieving parent trying to make themselves feel comfort, but it's way more than that. The sign's he sends us are just amazing. we have always associated peacocks with joshy. I believe i had written some time ago about how a peacock a week after burying walked across the street right in front of us while we were driving in the berkeley hills to go see his nurses, we stopped the car and where able to get pictures. The following week a white peacock showed up in the back yard to the house she was looking to buy. Then three months after a peacock shows up in our front yard! seriously these animals don't just walk around people yards. Me and jonathan were just amazed we lured him into the backyard and he followed our yard is really big so he hung around for a couple of days and then left. A couple of months after, around the same time we started hearing, what we believe to be the same peacock cry out. We have since then named the peacock "buddy" and everynight he cries out, then he'll cry out a couple of more times, as im typing this i just heard him. We truly think it's his way of letting us know he's around. Well earlier this week my moms friend's daughter was in our room while i was feeding natty her night time bottle. She was sitting next to me and we had the following conversation her name is ISA she is four

ISA : You have two babies
Me: Yes i do
ISA: was the other a boy or a girl ?
Me: he was a boy
ISA: Oh did he die ?
Me: Yes he passed away
ISA: aw is she (natty) sad because her brother passed away ?
Me: No, because he's her guardian angel
ISA: Yeah, she not sad, she's happy, she's happy because she see him sometimes, she's happy because she has her monkey with her.

I have never spoken about josh to her. I just got chills. What i knew was being explained to me plain and simple, natty knows her big brother is her monkey angel, and he takes care of her. Well This past wed, was really nice weather here in the bay, actually it was a bit way to hot for me, but was perfect weather to go to the beach. So jonathan asked for the day off, and we decided to take advantage of the beautiful weather and take natty to the beach. We met up with his cousin and sister. His cousin ana had let me know she had a gift for me on sunday, but natty was ready to head out before she got off work so we the plan was to receive my gift this saturday. Well while leaving the beach she hands me my gift. It's a book called "growing up in heaven" i had heard about this book the past week on chelsea lately, and thought to myself i need to get this book, but didn't. She saw it on the exact show and thought about me and joshy instantly. The beach has always been my place. When i was a teenager, i would drive to the beach and just sit in the car, with the windows down, wishing that i was somehow find happiness. I have always felt connected to the ocean. I LOVE IT! When josh was born i had promised once he was well to take him to the ocean to say thank you, for her (in my religion the ocean's name is yemeya) bringing him home, but of course that didn't happen, but on wednesday i was able to take natty to the beach, say thank you, and receive this beautiful gift from ana, a book about the eternal connection between parents and children that have passed and how the communicate with us from the spirit world, and it was just an unbelievable moment for me. He had delivered his message, "mom, it is me, i do send you messages, you do feel me, your not crazy, i'm with you, and I'M OKAY, i like it here"

Here are some pictures from our trip to the beach

Our first family picture. All the pictures have been of either me and natty but mostly of Natty and jonathan =P




My little diva


Touching the sand




Thank you




and, i have been trying to find the perfect angel wings for the monkey that represents joshy. We keep him in natty's room, well i finally found them and they look perfect. Really this week was great. Goodnight joshy, i know your with us. I KNOW!


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My shoes

My Shoes
I am wearing a pair of shoes.

They are ugly shoes.

Uncomfortable shoes.

I hate my shoes.

Each day I wear them, and each day I wish I had another pair.

Some days my shoes hurt so bad that I do not think I can take another step.

Yet, I continue to wear them.

I get funny looks wearing these shoes.

They are looks of sympathy.

I can tell in others eyes that they are glad they are my shoes and not theirs.

They never talk about my shoes.

To learn how awful my shoes are might make them uncomfortable.

To truly understand these shoes you must walk in them.

But, once you put them on, you can never take them off.

I now realize that I am not the only one who wears these shoes.

There are many pairs in this world. Some woman are like me and ache daily as they try and walk in them.

Some have learned how to walk in them so they don't hurt quite as much.

Some have worn the shoes so long that days will go by before they think about how much they hurt.

No woman deserves to wear these shoes.

Yet, because of these shoes I am a stronger woman.

These shoes have given me the strength to face anything.

They have made me who I am.

I will forever walk in the shoes of a woman who has lost a child

Then there four plus a furball

I'll start of this post with this dream i had last night because i think in a weird way it will help with the rest of the post.

In the dream we had just lost joshy, we had to come back in two days to pick up his body from children's hospital. Me and jonathan go back two days later and they till us they don't have his body, were yelling at the them and telling them what the heck do they mean, they tell us that joshy had passed away but had come back to life the day before, and since they had not heard from us, thought we didn't want him and had giving him up for adoption and that a family had already adopted him and there was nothing we could do. We hire a lawyer and as the days are passing somehow we figure out who the family is that has him through facebook.They have pictures of him. In the dream he is alot older and taller then i remember him, he looks like him,but older and longer, He's grabbing he toes with hands and smiling at the camera. That's when i woke up.

So where do i start, if you are one of my preemie mom's,family or friends with me on facebook you know the latest news. Joshy is going to be a big brother! To be more exact he will be a big brother to a little sister. Everything is going like a "normal" pregnancy, we have been seeing a perinatologist since the first month have been getting a whole bunch of blood work, taking baby aspirin, extra dose of folic acid, just had our anatomy scan last week and amnio fluid, umbilical blood flow, placenta, everything else is going good, we will be having alot more ultrasound's to monitor growth for IUGR but so far everything is looking good. Oh if you are curious we are 21 weeks along.

I have always been honest in this blog, i have written about my depression, about my heart ache, about everything and have always been honest so here it goes.

With this pregnancy has come a lot of hope, not only for me and jonathan but i think everyone around us family and friends. We actually didn't let anyone know we were pregnant until about a week ago, the reason for this is because me and jonathan wanted to make sure everything was going good. To be honest, along with all the happy stuff that comes with a pregnancy, has come a great deal of FEAR and GUILT. Fear of losing another baby, and guilt over feeling like i a somehow replacing joshy. I know this is ridiculous but yet i can't keep from feeling this way, this along with the fear that somehow the love i have for joshy will be greater then the love i feel for his sister. I can't begin to describe it. I haven't been able to enjoy this pregnancy as i think i should be, i think mainly because of the fear of losing her. I find myself getting excited seeing baby clothes, everytime i feel her kick, everytime i have seen her on the screen while getting a ultrasound, and then going right back to that place, of incredible fear. My head, my emotions all over the place. I know the hormones are playing there part in all this as well but ........*sigh*. I have been getting a great deal of support from my mom and my sister, and jonathan of course he's my rock, and from my preemie mom's and friend's, from everyone actually. The number one thing that makes me feel dumb for thinking the things i am

1.thinking that everyone is going to forgot about joshy -
what makes me feel crazy for thinking this is that everyone always mentions joshy, everything with this pregnancy, all the comments i have gotten have been "congrats's joshy is going to be a big brother" and such. My mom my sister are ALWAYS talking about joshy and how picked out his little sister himself and he will always be looking after her. So why am i so worried that people will forget him ?

2.That i am somehow replacing joshy and he is going to get mad at me.
- again no one could ever replace him but yet i feel like he is thinking this, yet this contradicts itself with my thinking that joshy picked out his sister himself and will always look after her.

So many other stuff but i will write about that later.

With the holidays coming up i have something to be thankful for, and a pain that will never go away. my monkey (joshua) will always take care of his peanut (his sister) and me and jonathan will always love both of them, We will always teach peanut about her big brother, her big brother that was a superhero and that looks after her all the time. Joshua will ALWAYS be a part of lives me jonathan, and peanuts. It will always be the FOUR of us, and our doggy alfie,

If you see the picture at the top The stick figure family is in representation of our family, Me,Jonathan,Joshua,Peanut & Alfie.

Meet My Preemie Family

Meet my preemie family. These are the babies to the mom's i have become friends with over the past two years. I "met" them after i found out that joshy was severe IUGR, i went online and googled IUGR, alot of stuff came up, but one of them was a link to babycenter.com and a group called "preemie parenting". This was a perfect group because i knew joshy was going to be born early and wanted to start learning as much information as i could, so i started reading up and created an account and started asking for support and advice, these women welcomed me with open arms, and during the next months leading up to joshy's arrival offered advice and support. Then when joshy arrived and during the time he spend in the NICU they prayed and let me vent. The rejoiced when i would let them know joshy was doing good, and prayed during the days he was doing bad. When he received his wings they all came together and donated money to help out with his funeral, along with the money they also send me three gifts, my keepsake box which inside hold all the cards and other precious things of joshy which i keep right next to my nightstand



the second was my preemie purple heart,


and the third was my whopping willow tree.

i have only had the pleasure of meeting one of my preemie moms, cristina, the mom of the two most cutest little girls i have ever seen. She was there for joshy's service i will never forget the love i felt from her that day, i had no idea what she looked like or who she was when she came up to me when i was sitting in the chapel. She walked over and said yesenia hi im cristina, i looked at her and said hello, she said im one of the preemie moms from babycenter, i stood up and hugged her and started crying. I had never met her yet cried in her shoulder hugging her like i had known her forever.I dont think she'll ever know what it meant to me to have her there. I kept on posting even after joshy passed even though i no longer had joshy to post about i talked to them about my grief and they supported me. Then when me and jonathan found out we had been blessed with natty besides our parents and our siblings, they were thttp://www.blogger.com/img/blank.gifhe first ones i told and they celebrated with me. They are the most amazing set of women i have ever "met". We all are a real close knit of a group, now we all keep in contact through our secret club on facebook lol, we all go there and vent and celebrate when one of the kids hits a milestone, or does something, or anything we want to talk about. Although seeing some of joshy's cousins pictures is hard for me because i know he should be in some pictures at family gatherings and to be honest i feel jealous and it's like i feel a pain in my chest and feel like crying, when i see pictures of my preemie mom's i feel happy. Such a weird thing, you would think i would think why their preemie why not mine ?! but i don't and i don't understand why. well Here they are my preemie family. Might i add aren't they all adorable !


To see video click here

Joshuas Birthday





Here it is. They way YOU can help remember joshy this year!

Joshua's birthday is fast approaching. Oct 7 he will be two, can you believe it? This year I'm asking all his family & friends to contribute something in his honor . A blanket. As a nicu parent I know sometimes these babies are too small, fragile, or unable to wear clothing. A personal blanket is all they have to be able to have with them,to call theirs . We are asking if you would send a blanket , one or two :), so on the weekend of Oct 7'th we would deliver them to the NICU at children's hospital Oakland , on your behalf, in honor of Joshua. This one blanket will bring some comfort to a family, knowing someone was kind enough to donate a blanket to them. If you are able to donate a blanket please send it to


Joshy
1920 Mt Hamilton drive ,Antioch CA 94531.

If your able to send a note stating your name, your thinking about this family, keeping them in your thoughts,saying a prayer or any kind words you like.


Thank you!
Yesenia,Jonathan & Natalia

Vent

Okay,

i haven't had a vent post in a while, so watch out. Here i go.

First of let me say a couple of things, be advised. my head is kinda all over the place so this post will too.

Were in September and Joshua's birthday is coming up....Oct 7. Wow he is going to be 2 years old. can you believe it ? I really can't. This year i have decided that i will NOT mourn his birthday i WILL celebrate. Because of his birth, because of him, some beautiful things have happened no only in my life but everyone's life who were touched by him. Now---- just because i will not mourn his death doesn't mean this day isn't going to bring me pain, memories that make me sad, & be a difficult day, what i mean by celebrate his birthday is i would like to spread his name, his story, his legacy, which in my eyes is, he came to earth to show love, determination, & how much ONE person ONE baby can affect so many people.

Sunday My brother in law brought me the container filled with joshua's clothes & everyday things he used in the NICU. The one Container i have here at the house was filled with clothes that was waiting for him here at home, some still had the tags,& therefor i really don't hold AS much as an attachment to them. now THIS container like i said is filled with his everyday things. I had not seen these items in over a year. She made a quilt of joshy's favorite hats,socks, & bibs but she wasn't able to make one out of his clothes so she sent it back on sunday. *sigh* i wish she would of been able to keep it longer . I opened the tub and BAM everything hit all at once. There was his clothes & items, even some pictures the nurses had made for him that i completely forgot we had . Just like that i went back to feeling like crap. and this is when i realized something ,

With time, with natty, i have been able to subside/hide/forgot about the feeling i feel when i think about joshy. Or when i see something that reminds me of his. I realized yes the pain was getting easier, yes the pain was morphing into something else. Truth it what has and was happening is i learned how to avoid that pain. i tucked it away and although i talk about josh EVERYDAY the pain, the hurt, that's kept away and forgotten, thats the way i get through,

This post is all ready going all over the place but just deal with it,

I really fucking hate that people think that i dont no longer miss josh because i have natalia, i hate the fucking fact that my mom treats me like im a first time mom, i hate that in most ways I AM A FIRST TIME mom, a first time regular mom that is.

Natalia is not a replacement, she is our daughter, she has brought us JOY! HAPPINESS! LAUGHTER! I love her more then anyone will ever be able to understand. I can say when i was pregnant with her i was in love with her, but cautious because i knew SOOO many things could go wrong so i kept a distance. Small, but it was there. Now i can say i am IN LOVE WITH NATTY! Her big brother choose a perfect daughter for us .


=====moving on ======

see i told you it was going to be all over the place .I'm trying to figure out who I AM!

I AM - AN ANGEL MAN
I-AM - A MOM
I-AM - A PREEMIE MOM
I-AM - A TERMIE MOM
I-AM - ABOUT TO BE 26 AND I STILL DONT KNOW WHO "I" AM........


having joshy early, then the nicu, then his death, then getting pregnant ,.......i never had time to concentrate on WHO AM I ?

I LOVE LOVE MY KIDS! but everything in the last two three years has sourrounded my kids. I DONT KNOW WHO I AM ANYMORE!! i know this will probably take a lot more years to figure out & but sometime i think what is my purpose here, how is it i am supposed to leave my mark in this world. ----something happened last night as i was writing this whole speel. I logged onto my Babycenter account (if you have been following my story you know babycenter was my safe haven, that's where i met my preemie moms, & that's where i found a sense of security with my whole pregnancy & nicu time with joshy) i had a message from a lady who got directed towards me, she didn't say by who just said she had twin boys 24 weekers (i wont mention their names for privacy reasons) baby M passed away at 9 weeks old and baby B passed away only a couple of hours after his birth. Hmmm was the universe sending me a message ? Is this what i'm supposed to be doing ? helping angel nicu mom's ? It felt right, so i responded with a long not at directed her to my facebook because i hardly ever check my baby center account, but for some reason i did & there was the message she had send just the day prior. coincidence while i am going through this whole "what should i do? who am i" deal ? i think not. Everything happens for a reason, so today (i started this post last night but couldn't finish) i have woken up with a new sense of direction. A new sense of empowerment, I don't want 26 to just be another year, i want it to be the the year where i helped people in their time of grieve or their time in the NICU or maybe by continuing to even update my blog more often i am helping someone right now and not even know it. Joshua is my motivation, i want to keep his memory alive, i want his legacy to be that of love. I want his sister to be proud to know her big brother made such an impact in his short life.

Moving along with Natalia,

Oh natty, what can i say about my little girl. She is precious and perfect in every single way (but hey what parent doesn't think that =P ) I can say i am IN love with my daughter. I don't know if this is true for all parents but of course i loved natty the moment i saw her, but i wasn't IN love with her. I couldn't be, i didn't know her. In these past 5 months i have got to know her, her likes, dislikes, her attitude (yes i believe she can start showing her nature this young) her overall being, and i am head over heels in love with this little girl. She is my motivation. She has her WHOLE family wrapped around her chunky little finger. In having a rainbow i didn't know how much it would affect not only me and jonathan but our entire family, our sisters, and the grandparents. She has brought back JOY into our lives & if we have one problem with her right now (besides her teething lol) is that she has so much love that sometimes people will get jealous that she's spending to much time with another member of the family then with them, what a wonderful problem to have don't you think ?

well i have some other stuff to post about but i want to get all my thought's straight before i do. Oh & before i forget Natty went to visit her big brother for the very first time, that is a post in itself why we waited so long, and how the day was. I have video and a TON of pictures but my USB connection to my camera broke so i am not able to upload them now i do have one from jonathan's iphone though.





And also Natty was in a contest for cutest kid in a photographer page & guess what she won! we did the shoot two weekends ago and so far have gotten two sneak peek photos, they are turning out beautiful! Of course we had to have big brother monkey join in one of the pictures, i will post them when we get all of them. So for now this is all. maybe i'll do a photo bomb post (just post a bunch of pictures of what's been happening around the house) that should be fun! and also. i will be posting the details on how i would like for you guys to help me celebrate joshy's birthday.

Grandpa and Natty

Here is a video of natty this past Saturday with her grandpa. She was being a super duper ham that day. She was all smiles and was having so much fun with him. She didn't take a nap all day and ended up falling asleep while he held her,hugging him, it was the cutest thing ever. Seeing him play with her brings my heart the happiest feeling. Josh passed away in his arms & so looking at him play with her makes me think in a way josh is playing with him.

Im Natty

Hello Everyone I'm Natty

New Camera

So.

we bought a new camera. we tried to invest in a good one, as far as our budget could afford, and i must say, im really happy with it! Takes really good pictures, and so i have become obsessed with taking pictures of natty.

1. because she is growing up so fast. She's going to be five months on the 18th =O (can you believe it)

2. My dad used to take tons of pictures of us & i am so happy he did i love that i can look back at all my childhood memories.

3. Because in case anything were to happen to her, i have alot of pictures left, like with josh. MORBID i know!

I hate #3. Yet these are the type of thoughts that run through my head & i hate it. i hate that thought would even cross my head but i think being a angel mom those thoughts are constantly in your head. You know bad things happen & you know they happen for no reason at all. I think because of this and the amount of stress i went through with being pregnant with natty, natty & of course joshy will be our only kids. Yes nothing is written in stone, and we have plenty of time to decide but for now were good. I really dislike that i will never be a naive pregnant women. I will always have a constant worry about the million and one things that could go wrong in a pregnancy. Most women have no idea, but i do & that sucks! =/

well moving on, i cant believe we will soon be reaching mid august. Before we know it october will be here and joshy will be turning two. My sister and I were talking about jonathan's cousin baby and she asked how old he was, i told her two & she was like really? two already? wasn't he born around the same time as joshy, i was like yes, joshy will be two in Oct. Her reply, wow, two, time flies. Yes, yes it does. Two years and i can still recall his birth like it was yesterday. sigh. Oh i will be asking for you few readers for your help in celebrating joshy's second birthday. This will be a special birthday as we will be celebrating with natty and i really plan on celebrating his birth this year rather then mourn it.

Well in natty news, she has now become to love to play in her jumperoo. Just today as a matter of fact she learned how to press the buttons and play the music. She loves it, which also leads me to the next new natty thing. Her new obsession, playing and grabbing my medela bottle caps, they entertain for a long time, she loves grabbing them and playing with them, and trying to bite them. Who knew simple bottle caps could give a kid endless hours of fun. We should all learn a lesson from the natty book, enjoy the little things and life and explore =)

Natty Singing

Here's a video of natty singing, well sort off

Finding a medium

So, i'm in falling into this weird parenting phase, well, maybe not now but i'm trying to find a medium, let me explain.

It's hard to find a medium between what is considered spoiling natty and trying to let it be okay for her to cry even for a couple of minutes while i run to the bathroom or try to eat (really fast). I feel like i am so extremely blessed with having her, and know what it's like to have your child taken away from, that i want to not have her experience any type of discomfort. This puts me in a pickle. I will call jonathan at work and tell him how i haven't been able to go to the bathroom because she will cry when i put her down and i don't want her to be sad. I'm not always holding her, she loves playing in her play mat, but im talking about those times when i'm holding her and i have to run and do something and she starts fussing for me to pick her up. This leads me to my other problem, i am terrified of her getting sick, i know she will eventually get sick, all kids do, but i am terrified of this. She has gotten a tummy ache before from gas and i was about ready to take her to the E.R, i know her schedule will change as time goes on but if she stays awake more then usual, or hasn't gone poop in a day all the sudden i'm in panic mode. I know i need to relax, but it's very hard when i hear her crying from some type of discomfort , and it leads me to flash backs to when josh got really sick the day he had to get transported to children's hospital. I HATE flashbacks with a passion. I know i will eventually have to go to counseling, there are many things i have never really discussed. I went from having a hard pregnancy, to having josh in the NICU for six months, to having him pass. The NICU itself is traumatizing but everything all together, i can't even explain it. It's ALOT. sigh.

well on another note each friday i will be joining kristin over at "once a mother on her FRIDAY RAINBOW BABY RODEO to discuss something new, mommy fail, something our rainbow has done this week.



New from this week from natty,
she took her first stroller ride, not on stroller/carseat, but just the stroller. She looks like such a big girl, i can't believe she will be FOUR months on the 18th. wow!







and just because i really love this picture .

There's so much to write about, yet i can't think of the right words to even start.

If your my friend on facebook, or joshy's friend on his page, then you know the big news. Joshy officially became a big brother on april 18th. His sister natalia was born healthy as can be. I was surprised i woke up that day very calm, and while waiting in the triage while they were prepping me for the OR i was still very calm. It wasn't until they walked me over and i saw the OR that i can say all the emotions really HIT. It was dejavu, all the sudden i felt like i was re-living joshy's birth. I started crying and shaking. Jonathan was waiting outside, i can only imagine what he was feeling. The whole thing felt so familiar yet it was way different, there was only about 10 people in the room, with joshy there was about 30! The pediatrician came to talk to me before they started to introduce herself and tell me she had talked to jonathan outside and he had told her about joshy, so she wanted me to experiance getting to hold natalia right after birth, and that's exatcly what happened, natalia came out and they clamped her cord and then layed her on my chest while they semi cleaned her, she was gooey and warm and crying, and she was PERFECT.

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I wish i could write down the list of things i was feeling right at the moment but it was so many things there are no words really. It was a combination of a little bit of everything.

The last two months have been great/tiring/interesting/challenging/joyous and sad all rolled up into one. Natalia is such a great baby, of course like any baby she has her days where you want to rip your ears off and pull your hair out but she truly is a great baby. She is HEALTHY as can be. Me an jonathan talk about this almost every other night, we think/know joshy wanted his little sister to experience all the things he never got to. One of these things being sleep! she sleep right through the night, usually waits for jonathan to get home at around 12:30am he'll rock her for 10-15 mins and she's out till about 6:30am then she goes from her bassinet to our bed i nurse her in bed and she takes her first nap of the day in bed then wakes up at 10. Joshy never got to experience a good night's sleep, he was always getting poked, getting his temp taking, getting something done to him, he never got to experience a quite room. I feel so much joy from seeing natty grow everyday, just this week she has started smiling and cooing when you talk to her as if trying to respond, i feel so much joy and sadness knowing she's getting to experience all these things her brother never got to. We talk to her about her brother on a daily basis she's started to enjoy playing with some of his now her toys and we talk to her about how her big brother loved those toys.

The last week i have started to really come to realize just how much my life has changed, how much i, as a person have gone through in the last two years. Not that i haven't realized it before but this week i really started thinking about everything. I carried a child within me, my first child, i went through a difficult pregnancy not knowing if he was going to be born alive or pass away in my womb, then he was born and he fought for six month in the nicu, i spend six month in a hospital and letting the hospital become my home, the nurses and dr's became my friends, and then my life, my son, passed away, then a couple of months later i became pregnant again and this time the pregnancy went perfect, she is here, she is healthy, and she is my second child.....I have two children. wow, i am 25 with two children. I never would have imagined this for myself when i was younger, yet i wouldn't have it any other way. If i knew i had to retake the steps that lead me to this exact same place i am right now i would do it again. Yes my son did suffer while in the nicu but i made sure he had a fighting chance, and when he, his body let me know it was time, he could no longer sustain life, with a pain and heartache that i hope no person ever, ever has to feel i had to say goodbye. My son was able to teach me, impact my life, impact so many people lives. It's hard to put into words even harder to start to let my self feel these emotions. I have let myself feel grief over his death but not about the whole experience itself. what i mean by this is, i now have an understanding that no matter what life throws at me, nothing will ever be worse then what i went through in burrying my son. Nothing will ever compare to that, i wrote about how my dad had passed away, and even the pain i felt from knowing i will never see him again, that pain, that grief did not come close to what i felt, to what i feel for having lost joshua. I want his memory i want his story to live on and to have something great to come out of his life. I have met some amazing people because of joshy, his nurses, his dr's, and my preemie family. I want natalia to know how much her brother loves her, how much people that have never met her love her. She is loved by so many, and just like her brother was wanted. Her family is in love with her and they cherish every moment they spend with her, because they never got to cherish the time with joshy, they really had no time. I have thought about if it was okay to post about natalia and keep this as my main blog because after all i did start this blog about joshy, and this was his special place for me to write about him, the truth is he will always be mentioned, he will always be apart of our family so why not write about his little sister here too. I know some people like to think that with natalia is the beginning of a new journey but its not it's the continuation of our journey, were all continuing our journey with natalia and joshy is coming along too, he might not be physically with us but he sure is with us in spirit, i know it, I FEEL HIM! it's weird because somehow my son, my six month old angel, has become my bestfriend, i talk to him when i'm having a hard day, when i'm having a good day, he has become my confident, he knows my inner thoughts..... i know he's smiling down and enjoying seeing his sister experience everything he didn't he's enjoying her live and through her, he lives too!


Grrr! Damnit!

Wow so i accidentally deleted some of my post, i am so beyond mad right now........i dont know what to say. Im going to sleep on this cause seriously !? WTF! How could i have been so stupid......!!!! fuck! I'll continue tomorrow I'm to upset. =(




here is a pictures from yesterday. man i'm all over the place i'll post tomorrow. i'm so mad.

SOOOOO
by now you guys see all the changes so hit me with your thoughts ? do you like ? any suggestions ? any thoughts ?