Monday, September 12, 2011

My Birthday

Well my birthday came and went, im officially 25 years old, as of sept 11, and my life is completely different then i would have imagined a year ago. My day was spend going to visit joshy and then going to chevy's with jonathan, i got the best card from my sister and brother in law, it was a yoda card and inside it said, "full fill your destiny you must" like many of you have read from my last post i have been in bed for the last 3 months in deep depression so this card was a reminder i have some more stuff to do in life not sure what it is but maybe i'll find out. So i woke up On my birthday and lay down in the bed while jonathan slept a while longer and thought about how i pictured spending this birthday and how it was far from what i thought. Last year for my birthday i was on bed rest trying to keep joshy cooking in the oven as long as possible, we had reach our goal of 24 weeks and where going strong. I imagined spending this birthday with jonathan and joshy waking me up to sing happy birthday, joshy would babble and would smile and laugh and i would think "this is the greatest birthday ever". That's not the birthday i had. I will never have another birthday with joshy. I am thankful i at least got to spend one birthday with him. I spend one halloween, one christmas, and one new year, they where not how i imagined but i got these special dates with him. The trees are now changing colors and fall is coming. The nights and days are getting a little bit colder that show just how much time has gone by since i laid joshy down forever, almost five months, some days it seems like it's been longer and some days it feels like it was yesterday. Im trying to hang on to to all the thoughts i have of him, every single smell, every single moment i spend with him, but some are slipping away and i hate myself for that. I want to remember every wonderful part of the six months i spend with him, yes the good and the bad. Every scare i had and everytime he pulled through and proved the dr's wrong. Im trying to think were i will be a year from now, will i have found some type of peace with joshy's passing ? i know the pain will never go away but will the days be a little better to deal with. I think as a parent you have a couple of goals, one to make sure you baby is happy and another to hope they make an impact in the world, i never thought joshy would accomplish this in six month. For this and for so many of other reason's i am the PROUDEST mom ever!

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