I now KNOW

well, i haven't kept my promise. I promised to update as much as i could and i haven't. =( . Let's see, What's new. Natty turned Three months on the 18th! Where the heck has the time gone ? I swear it feels like i was just pregnant and now she's three months, in a blink of a eye. This week she has really discovered her voice, she will babble and talk back, and is a real ham and just likes smiling, but overall likes observing and really pays attention. Everyday i fall more and more in love with her.

This week has really been a joshy week for me. I'm not sure where to start. Me and jonathan have always believed that his spirit is with us, and as much as it hurts to know he is not physically with us, and he had to go through everything he did, in our hearts we know our son had a bigger purpose, he spirit came into this world to touch a lot of people, and he managed to do that. His time on this earth was brief but boy did he accomplish more then i will ever in this lifetime. Well like i was saying me and jonathan have always felt his presence, i know some people might see it as a grieving parent trying to make themselves feel comfort, but it's way more than that. The sign's he sends us are just amazing. we have always associated peacocks with joshy. I believe i had written some time ago about how a peacock a week after burying walked across the street right in front of us while we were driving in the berkeley hills to go see his nurses, we stopped the car and where able to get pictures. The following week a white peacock showed up in the back yard to the house she was looking to buy. Then three months after a peacock shows up in our front yard! seriously these animals don't just walk around people yards. Me and jonathan were just amazed we lured him into the backyard and he followed our yard is really big so he hung around for a couple of days and then left. A couple of months after, around the same time we started hearing, what we believe to be the same peacock cry out. We have since then named the peacock "buddy" and everynight he cries out, then he'll cry out a couple of more times, as im typing this i just heard him. We truly think it's his way of letting us know he's around. Well earlier this week my moms friend's daughter was in our room while i was feeding natty her night time bottle. She was sitting next to me and we had the following conversation her name is ISA she is four

ISA : You have two babies
Me: Yes i do
ISA: was the other a boy or a girl ?
Me: he was a boy
ISA: Oh did he die ?
Me: Yes he passed away
ISA: aw is she (natty) sad because her brother passed away ?
Me: No, because he's her guardian angel
ISA: Yeah, she not sad, she's happy, she's happy because she see him sometimes, she's happy because she has her monkey with her.

I have never spoken about josh to her. I just got chills. What i knew was being explained to me plain and simple, natty knows her big brother is her monkey angel, and he takes care of her. Well This past wed, was really nice weather here in the bay, actually it was a bit way to hot for me, but was perfect weather to go to the beach. So jonathan asked for the day off, and we decided to take advantage of the beautiful weather and take natty to the beach. We met up with his cousin and sister. His cousin ana had let me know she had a gift for me on sunday, but natty was ready to head out before she got off work so we the plan was to receive my gift this saturday. Well while leaving the beach she hands me my gift. It's a book called "growing up in heaven" i had heard about this book the past week on chelsea lately, and thought to myself i need to get this book, but didn't. She saw it on the exact show and thought about me and joshy instantly. The beach has always been my place. When i was a teenager, i would drive to the beach and just sit in the car, with the windows down, wishing that i was somehow find happiness. I have always felt connected to the ocean. I LOVE IT! When josh was born i had promised once he was well to take him to the ocean to say thank you, for her (in my religion the ocean's name is yemeya) bringing him home, but of course that didn't happen, but on wednesday i was able to take natty to the beach, say thank you, and receive this beautiful gift from ana, a book about the eternal connection between parents and children that have passed and how the communicate with us from the spirit world, and it was just an unbelievable moment for me. He had delivered his message, "mom, it is me, i do send you messages, you do feel me, your not crazy, i'm with you, and I'M OKAY, i like it here"

Here are some pictures from our trip to the beach

Our first family picture. All the pictures have been of either me and natty but mostly of Natty and jonathan =P

My little diva

Touching the sand

Thank you

and, i have been trying to find the perfect angel wings for the monkey that represents joshy. We keep him in natty's room, well i finally found them and they look perfect. Really this week was great. Goodnight joshy, i know your with us. I KNOW!