Monday, September 12, 2011

A king turns One

I havent posted in a while,every time i get to writing i have so much going on in my head i can't get my thoughts together to type them down. Where to start.

As everyone knows joshy's birthday was Oct 7. Seems like it crept up on me, i kept counting down the days until Oct 7 but before i knew it here it was. We woke up that day and on the ride to bring joshy's presents and balloons to him, me and jonathan kept looking at the time, and remembering what were doing at that moment a year ago. Me and jonathan were picking up joshy's balloon's at party city and my sister called me that she,my brother in law and pappa bear had just left the cemetery, and joshy's tombstone had been placed and it looked perfect. I had been bugging the cemetery calling them every day to remind them that joshy's birthday was coming up and that i wanted to make sure his tombstone was there by then. While at party city getting some stuff to decorate joshy's site with "my first birthday" themed items i started crying and thought this is horrible. We walked over to the register gave them the balloons we wanted inflated and picked out the rest of balloons that were behind the counter,they were pretty busy and the lady asked me

her: when is the party ? is it today can you come back for them ?
Me: We can wait, but we need them by today,
Her: okay, so big party huh ? your celebrating someone first birthday ?
Me: yes our sons he turns one today
Her: Oh how great, where's the party at ? do you want some extra helium to make them last longer?
Me : uhmm no actually the balloons are for a balloon release and were headed to the cemetery
Her: Oh im so sorry we'll get these filled right away don't worry.

so we headed down to joshy, my mom was on her way to meet us there, when we got there joshy already had some new toys and balloons and flowers there, his tombstone looked perfect. We waited for my mom, she brought him some more balloons, with a Little sculpture of a swan with a baby on her back, the swans wings were wrapped around the baby, it was beautiful. We got ready to let the balloons go, jonathan recorded my mom let hers go and started crying, i held on to mine, i really didnt want to let them go, but as they slipped from my fingers it was like having to let joshy go all over, i held it together pretty good, right up till it was time to say goodbye and we started walking away, me and jonathan held hands and walked away i looked back at joshy and stopped and just held on to jonathan we both cried.

The weeks since then have been more depressing, i sit and watch t.v and listen to the house be so quite, it shouldn't be so quite, it should be filled with laughter, with me telling joshy "NO don't throw that, No Joshy, dont hit the doggy," my day's should filled with calling jonathan and telling him " you have no idea what your son just did" with posting pictures online of joshy wearing a adorable outfit, not with how his tombstone looks, but this is life. I have my good day's and my very bad day's today is a in between one.

Joshy's life was so short, but i can't believe how much he touched people. I have met so many amazing people and have received amazing e-mails from people saying that they had read about joshy's story and how they were touched by him. Through our journey i have met an amazing set of women, my preemie mom's. for joshy's birthday they all put together a video of there little one's and them releasing balloons for joshy. Me and jonathan watched the video together and were speech less. here it comes again, my brain block, i have so many thoughts running through my head that i can't put them in order. i guess what im trying to say is, joshua's journey has led us through a path of meeting amazing people that otherwise we would of not have met, i guess this is the silver lining ? actually there are a lot of great AMAZING things that came from joshy's journey, this not including the little miracle himself JOSHY!! I can not thank everyone who remembered joshy on his birthday enough. I think when a parent loses her child one of her fears is that her child will be forgotten. to have so many people remember joshy on his special day made this very emotional day, a bit more bearable.

heres the video

have a lot more to write about including the sad news that my dad recently passed away. He is now with joshy in heaven. My dream when joshy was born was for my dad to meet him, my dad lives in el salvador, when he retired he decided to move back over there, and has lived there ever since. He had been sick for the last couple of months but non-the less it was still a shock. He had gotten sick during the same time joshy was in the NICU, but had recovered. Every time i talked to him he would ask about joshy, and told me how he couldn't wait to meet him. When joshy passed away my dad was still recovering from a stroke so his memory was a little off, and speech not to great, the last time i talked to him he still thought i was pregnant with a girl, for those of you that have followed my story, the dr's thought joshy was a girl untill we got the amnio done to make sure he didnt have a serious chromosomal issue, turned out joshy was a boy of course, so like i said i talked to my dad and didnt have the heart to tell him his grandchild had passed, so i went along with it. I know they're together in heaven now, and my dad is overjoyed to the fact that he has a grandson.

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