Monday, September 12, 2011

There's so much to write about, yet i can't think of the right words to even start.

If your my friend on facebook, or joshy's friend on his page, then you know the big news. Joshy officially became a big brother on april 18th. His sister natalia was born healthy as can be. I was surprised i woke up that day very calm, and while waiting in the triage while they were prepping me for the OR i was still very calm. It wasn't until they walked me over and i saw the OR that i can say all the emotions really HIT. It was dejavu, all the sudden i felt like i was re-living joshy's birth. I started crying and shaking. Jonathan was waiting outside, i can only imagine what he was feeling. The whole thing felt so familiar yet it was way different, there was only about 10 people in the room, with joshy there was about 30! The pediatrician came to talk to me before they started to introduce herself and tell me she had talked to jonathan outside and he had told her about joshy, so she wanted me to experiance getting to hold natalia right after birth, and that's exatcly what happened, natalia came out and they clamped her cord and then layed her on my chest while they semi cleaned her, she was gooey and warm and crying, and she was PERFECT.

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I wish i could write down the list of things i was feeling right at the moment but it was so many things there are no words really. It was a combination of a little bit of everything.

The last two months have been great/tiring/interesting/challenging/joyous and sad all rolled up into one. Natalia is such a great baby, of course like any baby she has her days where you want to rip your ears off and pull your hair out but she truly is a great baby. She is HEALTHY as can be. Me an jonathan talk about this almost every other night, we think/know joshy wanted his little sister to experience all the things he never got to. One of these things being sleep! she sleep right through the night, usually waits for jonathan to get home at around 12:30am he'll rock her for 10-15 mins and she's out till about 6:30am then she goes from her bassinet to our bed i nurse her in bed and she takes her first nap of the day in bed then wakes up at 10. Joshy never got to experience a good night's sleep, he was always getting poked, getting his temp taking, getting something done to him, he never got to experience a quite room. I feel so much joy from seeing natty grow everyday, just this week she has started smiling and cooing when you talk to her as if trying to respond, i feel so much joy and sadness knowing she's getting to experience all these things her brother never got to. We talk to her about her brother on a daily basis she's started to enjoy playing with some of his now her toys and we talk to her about how her big brother loved those toys.

The last week i have started to really come to realize just how much my life has changed, how much i, as a person have gone through in the last two years. Not that i haven't realized it before but this week i really started thinking about everything. I carried a child within me, my first child, i went through a difficult pregnancy not knowing if he was going to be born alive or pass away in my womb, then he was born and he fought for six month in the nicu, i spend six month in a hospital and letting the hospital become my home, the nurses and dr's became my friends, and then my life, my son, passed away, then a couple of months later i became pregnant again and this time the pregnancy went perfect, she is here, she is healthy, and she is my second child.....I have two children. wow, i am 25 with two children. I never would have imagined this for myself when i was younger, yet i wouldn't have it any other way. If i knew i had to retake the steps that lead me to this exact same place i am right now i would do it again. Yes my son did suffer while in the nicu but i made sure he had a fighting chance, and when he, his body let me know it was time, he could no longer sustain life, with a pain and heartache that i hope no person ever, ever has to feel i had to say goodbye. My son was able to teach me, impact my life, impact so many people lives. It's hard to put into words even harder to start to let my self feel these emotions. I have let myself feel grief over his death but not about the whole experience itself. what i mean by this is, i now have an understanding that no matter what life throws at me, nothing will ever be worse then what i went through in burrying my son. Nothing will ever compare to that, i wrote about how my dad had passed away, and even the pain i felt from knowing i will never see him again, that pain, that grief did not come close to what i felt, to what i feel for having lost joshua. I want his memory i want his story to live on and to have something great to come out of his life. I have met some amazing people because of joshy, his nurses, his dr's, and my preemie family. I want natalia to know how much her brother loves her, how much people that have never met her love her. She is loved by so many, and just like her brother was wanted. Her family is in love with her and they cherish every moment they spend with her, because they never got to cherish the time with joshy, they really had no time. I have thought about if it was okay to post about natalia and keep this as my main blog because after all i did start this blog about joshy, and this was his special place for me to write about him, the truth is he will always be mentioned, he will always be apart of our family so why not write about his little sister here too. I know some people like to think that with natalia is the beginning of a new journey but its not it's the continuation of our journey, were all continuing our journey with natalia and joshy is coming along too, he might not be physically with us but he sure is with us in spirit, i know it, I FEEL HIM! it's weird because somehow my son, my six month old angel, has become my bestfriend, i talk to him when i'm having a hard day, when i'm having a good day, he has become my confident, he knows my inner thoughts..... i know he's smiling down and enjoying seeing his sister experience everything he didn't he's enjoying her live and through her, he lives too!


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