Post traumatic
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| November 6, 2018 San Francisco, The Masonic. |
Post-Trau٠mat٠ic Stress Dis٠or٠der
noun
a condition of persistent mental and emotional stress occurring as a result of injury or severe psychological shock, typically involving disturbance of sleep and constant vivid recall of the experience, with dulled responses to others and to the outside world.
In June of last year Mike Shinoda released an album entitled 'Post Traumatic' . It was his way of channeling his grief from the suicide of Chester At first listen I really enjoyed the album as it had hints of Fort Minor & a bit of Linkin Park in there. After all, Mike was the brains behind all that & it's only natural that the album would reflect that type of sound. But, it wasn't until late August that the album's tracks & lyrics just started jumping out at me & I found myself listening to each track nodding my head knowing exactly what Mike was flowing about.
It wasn't until a year or so later after my NICU experience that I learned that it's not just soldiers who come back from combat that develop PTSD. In fact, in recent years there have been studies in just how many mother's develop PTSD after having a NICU experience, the number is higher for those who have gone through the NICU experience and have gone through a loss as well.
My PTSD has manifested itself in different forms, as the NICU itself isn't a trigger for me at all. Smells, certain sounds, they all don't make me want to go hide, or bring me back to a dark place. In fact, the NICU is about the only other place other than the ocean where I feel most at peace and feel at home. Instead, my PTSD has managed to numb me because I never want to feel pain again.
"with dulled responses to others and to the outside world"
that's exactly what PTSD has done for me. I wrote about how I just feel numb to situations because I hate feeling. The moment I start feeling something I push back.
I don't want to feel.
I don't want to be hurt.
I'm in this constant state of stress, scared that i'll be hurt. And, yet I have allowed myself to feel at certain points since then & the result has been pain. And, that in return has made me such a broken individual that I don't know if i'll ever be "normal" again. I have cared about someone so deeply, only to be hurt & thus that has made me even more guarded then before, as if it were possible.
Something happened two years ago that hurt me so badly I honestly didn't know I could be hurt like that by someone I cared so very deeply for. Instead of going through the emotions of the pain, I didn't. I compartmentalized, which I am oh so great at doing.
I didn't express my hurt, my pain, my extreme humiliation I felt at the time & just continued as if everything was fine.
It wasn't fine, but pretending is easy & dealing is hard & as I've explained before don't we all like easy ?
"I'm fine", "It's fine" those are my all time favorite sayings and I use them over and over again. It's like my own personal script in life.
Music has a way of making us feel. And, that's exactly what Mike's album did. Starting from the very intro of the album. Place to start;
The tracks along with surgery I just had gone through and the very confused place I was at brought back so many emotions I had buried in order to just continue living in a lie to myself.
Mike brought to life so many feelings I had felt not only about grief with the loss of Joshua, but grief with loss I had felt with disappointed about someone I thought truly cared for me.
Each track spoke to me about both losses. I could quote parts of each single track because it honestly all fit. I know we all do this as humans, think that certain things are about us, but with the tracks, being about post traumatic stress individuals go through when they go through loss, the tracks really were about my life per se. All of the tracks spoke to me, but perhaps non more than 'Running from my shadow';
Maybe I didn't want to face you were offsides
Thinking I was far away from a crossed line
But I was giving soft praise to a hard lie
There are things that you say and you don't say
My tongue's gotten real tired of me biting it
'Cause I keep on following the wrong way
Time's come and I can't keep denying it
There are times when I kick myself
Say I'm not sick but I can't get well
Say I got this while I chase my tail
As if they can't tell"
I know I'm a broken individual because of everything I have gone through in life, but I whole
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| November 6, 2018 San Francisco, The Masonic. |
heartedly never thought I would be hurt to the point that I don't think I'll be able to trust enough to feel again. I wrote about how I do want to feel a couple of posts back, but I'm not sure if I'll ever get to that point again. I'm unsure if the damage is so great that I'll allow myself to go down that road again.
I'm so unsure of so much. Yet, I know I need to find answers, I need to figure shit out. For my well being and for the well being of others as well. But, where was was my well being when I was already broken yet continued to get hurt so badly I just decided feeling was too much. I just decided that being content with my life was enough and striving for happiness or anything else was too much to ask for.
I'm a people pleaser. By nature, I just am. I rather see everyone else happy than myself because as I've written before I just don't think I deserve it. I'm unsure if it's my depression that say's those things, but I've been put and have put myself into situations where I know the outcome won't be great, but everyones needs come before my own. I've put myself into
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| November 6, 2018 San Francisco, The Masonic. |
situations where I accept bare minimum because that's enough for me.....
I want to value myself and not accept bare minimum, but change is hard & accepting that i've allowed certain situations to transpire for other peoples benefit is more than I can handle.
I do this thing which is very much my MO in life & again i've written about it before when I wrote about Joshua turning five. When I know something will upset me I will do everything in my power to avoid that & instead put my focus on something entirely different. When I'm in school, it's school. My entire focus becomes school, which is great! I want to be good at school. But, right now during break is has been occupying my time and making sure I don't have enough time to think. Don't get me wrong it has been quite gratifying to have time off of school to have time to do things I love such as writing, reconnecting with friends, putting my creative side to use. Those have all been great because they are things I truly enjoy & love. But, at the end of the day, all I really want to do is sleep, because when I sleep I don't have to think and I don't have to deal.
I have no idea what the future holds for me. At all.
Maybe, everything does happen for a reason and everything thus far has led me to be at a place where the future will hold something I never envisioned.....Who knows. Only time will tell. All I know is for every action there is always a negative & positive reaction.....
"I don't want to know the end, all I want is a place to start"
With all that said, if you haven't listened to Mike's album perhaps give it a shot. I was lucky enough to see him during his Post traumatic tour at The Masonic which is such an intimate venue and I was just a couple of feet away from the stage which made the experience even more great. I enjoyed every single minute of his performance. He's honestly such a great artists in all sense of the word and the fact he processed his grief in such an open way for so many people to find comfort in his music is truly incredible. I'm looking forward to what he comes out with next & also curious as to what will happen with Linkin Park as well. It won't ever be the same without Chester.
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