It's easier

There's a reason I said I'd be happy alone. It wasn't 'cause I thought I'd be happy alone. It was because I thought if I loved someone and then it fell apart, I might not make it. It's easier to be alone, because what if you learn that you need love and you don't have it? What if you like it and lean on it? What if you shape your life around it and then it falls apart? Can you even survive that kind of pain? Losing love is like organ damage. It's like dying. The only difference is death ends. This? It could go on forever. - Merideth Grey, Greys Anatomy.

I've thought about how to write this post over and over and over again. The words aren't flowing correctly & I don't think they ever will because this post is one that I was unsure I wanted to write....perhaps because it was one I never expected to write. Or, perhaps because there's this process of denial that happens when you're going through something life changing & we need to time to accept. Or not accept. I'm unsure. 

I've spent the last couple of days reading back through the blog, all the way back to my first post in 2009. I am so thankful I had this bright idea to begin this blog & start documenting life in general. For the most part the blog has remained as my safe haven to express myself in the only form I find most comfortable, words. I've seen how i've grown as a writer & as a person because reading back through some post there are things that I had completely forgotten, both on purpose & because our brain has a way of forgetting traumatic experiences in order for us to function. 

There's been a constant theme through out my writing and it's this constant reminder of 'Murphy's law' through out different posts along the years. Just last year in May, on my post entitled 'The rest is still unwritten' sure enough I mention Murphy's law. 
I also wrote about the other rule I have learned to know in my life.....

"One thing has always remained constant in my life and that is that somehow everything falls into place and there always seems to be something bigger in the scope of things on why things happen the way they do. I think about how something affects me right now, but don't think about the larger scope.
There's always a larger scope. " 

It's my life. 
My life is 'Murphy's law' at any given point.
I'm not sure if it's my anxiety, but i'm never at peace. 
When I feel that everything is going according to plan, there's this feeling in the pit of my stomach that reminds me "Don't get too comfortable Yesenia, shit is about to happen" 
Call me pessimistic. But, it's just life has made me this way.

I wrote about how I felt this entitlement a couple of years ago that the universe owed me happiness & I deserved good things to happen in my life because I have gone through so much. I'm not complaining at all, as those trials & tribulations have led me to this point & I've somehow managed to survive. It's just i've come to this realization that I don't know if true happiness is something I will ever be able to attain. 
I'm unsure if it's something that I will ever get to experience. 
There's those who believe if they do good in their life good things will happen. I've lived by this rule & will always do so. But, i'm unsure if good things are meant to happen to me.... 

I started off this post with a quote from Grey Anatomy. If you guys have not watched that show it's seriously like therapy for your soul. I can't believe I went so long without watching it, but sure enough. I watched it when I supposed to. Like all things in my life everything always happens for a reason & the show correlated with so much of what was going on when I started watching I last year. And, no it's not because I was about to begin my Anatomy class although it did help me along the way with terminology. I binged watched the entire 10 seasons in a couple of weeks! There's an episode for everything. 

We all believe we love with our heart & although it's nice to think that it's actually not true. There's neurotransmitters released by our brains that allow us to feel euphoric & attached. The feeling is unlike any other feeling
We crave it. 
And, once we feel it, its indescribable.

Our bodies, our brains our entire being are designed to feel this.  

When you have felt this and like Meredith describes you learn to like the feeling, you shape your life around it, you lean on it & learn you need it, what happens when you realize you may never have that in your life again ? 

I'm unsure.
I'm unsure what happens.

Is it truly best to have loved & lost than to have never loved at all ?

We adapt. 
As humans we learn to adapt when we have lost something. 
Or even worse, we learn to stop ourselves from feeling anything for the fear we may get hurt. 

It's easier to be alone. 
There's a reason why I enjoy being alone. 
There's a reason I enjoy my solitude. 
It's easier. 
And, isn't easier always better ?