Let's grow

There's a couple of places that I feel at home, but none gives me the feeling that being at the ocean does.

It's my special place & although I enjoy going to the beach with family going to this particular beach has always been my special place.

When I moved away from San Francisco I left so much behind. I not only left friends, I left behind so much of me, as an individual as well. We all grow & evolve, but that's not what I left behind. I left behind my independence that I had when I lived in the city. If I wanted to go somewhere I would. If I wanted to do something I would. I was independent, strong willed, determined & ambitious. I'm not saying i'm not all those things now, but I honestly feel like I left that part of me in San Francisco.

If you're a native San Franciscan, you might be aware about the independence & the feeling you have of having San Francisco be your city. Growing up in the Mission District, everyone knew everyone and the city is so small that there is seven degrees of separation between you & someone else.

Me.
My identity.
My individuality.
It all got left when I moved away from San Francisco.

Depression & my own personal struggles with mental health of course contributed to all of these things being lost as well. But, it was the feeling of community that I left in San Francisco that in turn made me feel so isolated from everyone.

When I was in my twenty's I was holding down two jobs making more money than I knew what to do with. Life was good! I didn't need to have two jobs honestly, but I loved working. It wasn't exhausting & yes, I'm aware that in your twenties burning out is probably something that we don't experience, but I was honestly living my best life.

My friends wanted to be around me & I wanted to be around them. And, then I moved away. I still worked in San Francisco & commuting became second nature. But, it wasn't the same. Slowly my independence started slipping away. It wasn't because I was growing up & becoming an adult as we all do.
It was different.

I went from being this very independent, determined woman to this extremely dependent self doubter.

I honestly was blind to this until a couple of months ago. Of just how bad & dependent I had become through out the last couple of years.

To the point that I stopped driving except to & from school.
If I had to run errands I would not go unless someone would go with me. Why ? I have no clue. I lost all sense of myself. I found my path, but along the journey I lost me.

In the last couple of weeks I have driven far & near. The one place that I knew deep in my soul I needed to go was the ocean to spend the day there.
The one place that always centers me.

It's my place.

I had forgotten how much I absolutely love it.
I had forgotten how much I needed it.

The ocean, she gets me. Anytime I've needed answers or just a place of solace I have gone to her & she's always centers me. She's always been there.

I spent Christmas Day there after my NICU shift & my soul feels so different. I'm not sure how to explain it. Just the drive there is like my heart knew I would find the answers that I was searching for. I felt happy & excited.
I felt the love of driving rush back. The independence that comes with it. The feeling of having the music full blast, just jamming out & enjoying the scenery.

I felt!
That's what I had been yearning for was to feel after just being numb too so much, for so long.

I realize we all grow up. We become adults and there are parts of us that get left behind because it's necessary, but these parts of me that got left behind are crucial to who I am. I've been going back to the City quite often in the last couple of weeks & reconnecting with old friends who are giving back pieces of me that I needed back. They're all reminding me of how independent I was, no scratch that, of how independent I am. I need to be, for Natalia. I want to show her that being independent & giving in to your personal needs isn't selfish at all, it's vital to being authentic with yourself.

I feel like this is such a transitional time & i'm enjoying putting back pieces of the old me, with pieces of the new me who has this determination of being authentic with who I am. They can all co-exsist together, when before I felt like it had to be all or non.

I'm trying to be in harmony with my path & my journey with myself , when before it felt like I was in harmony with my path, but completely out of balance with myself.

I'm trying to have self love, self awareness and self acceptance.

It's turning into quite a journey, but its all about positivity & growth.

We're all about that over here now.
We're all about the positive vibes & non judgmental

We're about growing & learning & accepting & self love.
I forgot so much about myself that i'm having to re-learn.

A perfect example is how much I enjoy writing. I love it. I love letting my creativity just flow out through the process of words & creating. All my professors have always complimented the way i'm able to express myself with essay's or writing assignments.
I just stopped doing things I love.
I miss photography!
I didn't touch my camera at all last year & I remember how before I wouldn't leave the house without it. I have soooo many great pictures of Natalia growing up & I just stopped documenting moments.
I miss it all.

That's changing though.
Ever since my solo trip to the ocean the words have just been flowing out & my mind is on a constant creative spree.
It's like this weight & this creative block that I had been feeling got taken away. I'm getting all spiritual now, but I'm telling you that's what the ocean does to me.
It feeds my soul & makes me, me.

2019 is going to be quite the year folks! I know it.