Thursday, January 28, 2010


Here are some new pictures of little man... we found out today he like looking at himself in the mirror =)and he's learning how to hold on to his binky! jonathan was so happy we cant believe how big he's getting.

Tuesday, January 26, 2010

Uphill from here ? I think so

So as most of you have read and hear, joshua got really sick again, he ended up having to be intabated for almost 2 weeks. He kept having these episodes where he couldnt breath and turning blue, i was there for one of them and i seriously thought he was about to die in front of me, i NEVER want to experiance that again! well it's been two weeks since then and joshy has made a complete 360! he got extabated on sunday, was on CPAP for only one day and is now on canula! theyre weening him of the N O for his pulmonary hypertension and they will start weening him off morphine as well. WOW i cant believe just a week ago my little man was so sick but everyones prayers helped and him bieng a little brat didnt hurt either. He's such an amazing baby i know everyone says that about theyre baby but seriously he is! on another note jonathan had to be taken to the emergency room on saturday because the poor guy had severe stomach pain they did a ct scan and was on morphine for most of the morning sat they though it was his appendix but turned out to be an infection in his intestine, can you say like father like son! Im so happy it was all taking care of by antiobiotics i have no idea what i would have done if he had to be admitted to the hospital worse if he would of got surgery. but everything is okay now. I truly believe everything is going to go uphill from here, god tested us and if i were to give ourselfes a grade i think we would get an a+. We still dont know when the surgery for him to get reconnected is we have a meeting with the drs next friday so maybe we'll get some answers. i think i have really learned to take it one day at a time though and accept that we cant predict what will happen BUT i do know that everything will turn out okay in the end. i will post some new pictures soon, oh and joshua is almost 8 pounds! can you believe it 8 pounds! i cant believe how big he is now, i remember holding him for the first time and him fitting in my hand and now when i hold him he hurts my arms from bieng so heavy lol wow i never thought the day would come when he would do that.

Monday, January 25, 2010

new videos...

He's getting so big, i'll do a full update on him later but for now here he is.

Wednesday, January 6, 2010

It's always calm before the storm

Joshy isn't doing so well. He had been doing very well as i had wrote before,then on sunday the nurse noticed his stoma was protruding more, (it was coming out more) so his surgeon came by and ordered his refeedings going into his second stoma to stop,so that was sunday, monday i was there and spoke to his dr and he told me that his feeding werent going well at all,he was letting out more food then they were putting in and that it would be best to reconnect him asap,not only that but that they were going to try to give him formula instead of my breastmilk to see if he could digest it better,this took me as a big hit because it's been the one thing that i've been able to do for him,the one thing that has made me feel like a mom,and i felt like they were taking that away from me,but i knew that it's for his best interest and they let me know that he could possible go on to take my milk after his surgery so for now im still pumping,so moving on during the afternoon his had started acting a little wierd to me,he just didnt feel like himself,i never knew what mother's intuation meant untill monday, i let the nurses know that he felt a little warm to me, they took his temperature and said he was fine it could be the temperature in the room that was making him warm,i knew it wasnt that so i kept buggin them,they checked again and it had gone up to 37.1 a little warmer then usual but not a fever according to them, so i held him all night because he seemed irratated and not able to get comfortable,i decided to stay and leave with jonathan at 12:30am,so i called again when i got him and his temperature was a little higher and the nurse said he was bieng a little fussy,but had finally gone to sleep, so i went to bed and called first thing in morning and the nurse told me he had a rough night,he a full fever and was having a hard time breathing,they had ordered cultures for infection and tested him for flu and RSV,meanwhile the had started him on antiobiotics,so i was with him all day and he barely woke up twice and that was because i changed his diaper, he was wet and hadnt even cried so unlike josh,he hates bieng dirty,all the nurses noticed and kept an extra eye on him,so i call today and he has gotten worse,he had an extremly rough night,and started gasping for air,they had to take him of canula and put him on cpap which he hates so he was bieng extra fussy and having even more of a hard time breathing,so his dr called me, and talked to me and they were considering putting him on a breathing machine because he was having such a hard time breathing. I cant believe he got this sick, he has been through so much and now even more,i feel so helpless and like im losing my sanity,i didnt go see him today because i was a total mess and didnt want to pass that energy to him,i've been calling every hour and he's doing a little bit better but they have him on morphine drip to keep him sedated so he wont be fussy. i hate him going through this and just ask god why him,he can have anything happen to me but not him, i feel angry and depressed because i love him so much and feel like i brought him into this world to suffer, i know and hope he gets through this stage but i dont want him to be in pain, he been through so much,so much more then anyone i know would have been able to handle and he's only 3 month old,well three months tomorrow actually,he's been in the hospital since he was born, and now i have no idea when he might get out. I want him to get better,i want him home,i want him to be happy. I feel like such a failure as a mom that i wasnt able to give him the nutrietion he needed when he was in my belly and now i cant help him either. I really have no one to talk to except jonathan, and although only me and him know exactly what each other are going through, he has no idea what me as a mom is going through. No one i know has ever had a preemie, so i feel alone. My only friends right now are the nurses whom i talk to everyday and the dr's who have come to be my friends as well,i dont really like it when people feel sorry for me because even though this is really hard joshua has been such a positive person in my life, he's the love of my life and i just cant describe how happy he makes me feel,i want to get through this stage so he can go onto the next. I know this is just a bumb in the road but ahhhhhh i want to get over that hill allready and find the end of the rainbow.

Friday, January 1, 2010

New Years Eve

So new years eve was spent half the day in the nicu and the other half with my family and jonathans. Update on Joshy, he is doing great we couldnt have started the new year better, he is on canula (yay)on room air (bigger yay) in his crib out of the isolate, and getting ready for his surgery at the end of this month =/ but i KNOW everything will come out good, he has one of the best surgeons doing his surgery,dr.betts (google him ) well what else can i say 2009 has been the craziest year, everything that could of happen did, and i can't believe i kept my sane through out the whole time (thank you zoloft j/k well kind of) i entering the 2010 with the greatest gift, and with a heart full of happines and cant wait for whats to come, for the sleeples nights to the poopy diapers to the smiles and the first time josh laughs, ahhh cant wait because during that moment i will know that everything i have gone through was worth it,and for that little guy i would go through it all again and again if i had to because he's my everything! Mommy's perfect little guy. I know all parents look foward to all the new things that are to come with there new bundle of joy but i will enjoy everything a tad bit more because im a proud preemie mom,a little miracle that dr's said wasnt going to be born and is know almost three months old and smart and perfect!
joshua alexander 1.1.2010 Five pounds 9oz

Happy New Year....

joshy's last picture of 2009.... 2010 here we come !