It's always calm before the storm

Joshy isn't doing so well. He had been doing very well as i had wrote before,then on sunday the nurse noticed his stoma was protruding more, (it was coming out more) so his surgeon came by and ordered his refeedings going into his second stoma to stop,so that was sunday, monday i was there and spoke to his dr and he told me that his feeding werent going well at all,he was letting out more food then they were putting in and that it would be best to reconnect him asap,not only that but that they were going to try to give him formula instead of my breastmilk to see if he could digest it better,this took me as a big hit because it's been the one thing that i've been able to do for him,the one thing that has made me feel like a mom,and i felt like they were taking that away from me,but i knew that it's for his best interest and they let me know that he could possible go on to take my milk after his surgery so for now im still pumping,so moving on during the afternoon his had started acting a little wierd to me,he just didnt feel like himself,i never knew what mother's intuation meant untill monday, i let the nurses know that he felt a little warm to me, they took his temperature and said he was fine it could be the temperature in the room that was making him warm,i knew it wasnt that so i kept buggin them,they checked again and it had gone up to 37.1 a little warmer then usual but not a fever according to them, so i held him all night because he seemed irratated and not able to get comfortable,i decided to stay and leave with jonathan at 12:30am,so i called again when i got him and his temperature was a little higher and the nurse said he was bieng a little fussy,but had finally gone to sleep, so i went to bed and called first thing in morning and the nurse told me he had a rough night,he a full fever and was having a hard time breathing,they had ordered cultures for infection and tested him for flu and RSV,meanwhile the had started him on antiobiotics,so i was with him all day and he barely woke up twice and that was because i changed his diaper, he was wet and hadnt even cried so unlike josh,he hates bieng dirty,all the nurses noticed and kept an extra eye on him,so i call today and he has gotten worse,he had an extremly rough night,and started gasping for air,they had to take him of canula and put him on cpap which he hates so he was bieng extra fussy and having even more of a hard time breathing,so his dr called me, and talked to me and they were considering putting him on a breathing machine because he was having such a hard time breathing. I cant believe he got this sick, he has been through so much and now even more,i feel so helpless and like im losing my sanity,i didnt go see him today because i was a total mess and didnt want to pass that energy to him,i've been calling every hour and he's doing a little bit better but they have him on morphine drip to keep him sedated so he wont be fussy. i hate him going through this and just ask god why him,he can have anything happen to me but not him, i feel angry and depressed because i love him so much and feel like i brought him into this world to suffer, i know and hope he gets through this stage but i dont want him to be in pain, he been through so much,so much more then anyone i know would have been able to handle and he's only 3 month old,well three months tomorrow actually,he's been in the hospital since he was born, and now i have no idea when he might get out. I want him to get better,i want him home,i want him to be happy. I feel like such a failure as a mom that i wasnt able to give him the nutrietion he needed when he was in my belly and now i cant help him either. I really have no one to talk to except jonathan, and although only me and him know exactly what each other are going through, he has no idea what me as a mom is going through. No one i know has ever had a preemie, so i feel alone. My only friends right now are the nurses whom i talk to everyday and the dr's who have come to be my friends as well,i dont really like it when people feel sorry for me because even though this is really hard joshua has been such a positive person in my life, he's the love of my life and i just cant describe how happy he makes me feel,i want to get through this stage so he can go onto the next. I know this is just a bumb in the road but ahhhhhh i want to get over that hill allready and find the end of the rainbow.