Wednesday, March 21, 2012

Countdown

It's starting....

The countdown to the day. The memories leading up to the day. How everything was going so well and then just took a turn for the worst. As i wrote in the last post natty's first birthday was keeping me going but now that everything is calm is when i have time to think and remember. You know it's weird. I look at pictures and time has eased some pain, it hasn't healed, who ever said time heals wounds was obviously talking about other type of wounds but not about child loss. Some things have become easier but some are just as they were. He's still the first thing i think about when i wake up and the last thing i think about before i go to sleep.

Everyone has been complaining about the timeline on Facebook, I being one of them but the timeline has grown on me. I looked back at all the post i did during the month of march in 2010. There they are a reminder that we were so close a reminder of a life i didn't ask for but accepted and wanted so bad.

March 20,2010 
jonathan just called to see if our car was ready from getting it's oil changed, first thing he says is "hi can i be transfered to baby castillo" lol we've been in the nicu to long.

March 24,2010
 with my joshua doing alot better , i would like to ask everyone to pray for the rest of the babies in the NICU,especially one who is in very very critical condition may god heal her.

March 24,2010 
 im so bored.....called joshy he's asleep. bored bored

March 24,2010
  what the heck does the phrase "the business" mean, im going to start using it though for example. joshy getting extabated tomorrow is the business ! (yah ???)

March 29,2010
  here we go again, back down..........what happend joshy ? prayers and positive thoughts please.

March 30,2010
  as all of you know josh has had a rough5almost6months&,today the dr tells me&jonathan that joshua has nemonia (sorry about spelling)&his body has gone through so much theyre not sure if he'll make it, she said she is not optomistic &it's up to him, he is on maximun vent high frequency support and on all possible meds. please god, save my little man give him the strength to make it through the next 24 hours.

and then we move on to April. April the month. Here i sit. writing looking back and can remember each and every post i wrote during that time.

Life seems to being moving forward but yet here is sit re-living the past, wishing i could rel live the past. How i long to hold my sweet boy in my arms again. How i long to be able to look into those eyes that had wisdom beyond their years. How i long to have my son. How i long to have seen this blog be a different type of blog, a blog of hope and triumph for other preemie family's instead i see it being a blog of grief and hope yes, hope that life doesn't end and that you can somehow continue to live through the pain.

But if that's the road my life would of taken if joshy was still here, natty wouldn't be here and i can't imagine my life without her...........

Just for warning the readers who read my blog the coming post aside from my big post about natty's first birthday will be pretty depressing. Just me using this outlet i have to write and express my feelings that i am not able to express with no one else. except my good friend. gateway.

Joshy- You have no idea how much i miss you. I look at little boys your age and think about what you would be like, what cartoons shows would you like watching, what would be your favorite food. What you be more closer to your dad by now because he would be playing sports with you and doing boyish things, or would you be closer to me ?  What would your voice sound like ? Who would you look like more ? me or your dad ? I know your around. I feel you around but to have your here is a wish i know will never come true. But boy how do i wish that. I miss you. Plain and simple. I long to hold you, to smell you, to brush you hair out of your face. Although i hate the way things happened i' have said it once and i'll say it once again. I would do it all over. I am proud to be your mother. What a privilege it was to be able to share you with the world. To be chosen to carry you and be called your mom. My joshy. 

Tuesday, March 13, 2012

Rain on my parade

So the forecast calls for rain on Sunday. Natty's first birthday.

blah ! 

This takes the term "rain on my parade" to another level.  Not only will it be raining but natty seemed to be developing a little cough today and i had to go to the Dr today because i've had a red eye for the past three days and it wasn't getting better. Diagnosis- the starting of a small infection. *sigh*

however after much moping around the past two days about the storm on Sunday i am going with the flow and saying bring it. So it will rain, so we probably won't have the jumper and slide and everyone will have to be inside, and some people probably won't show up because of the rain, i will celebrate her birthday and celebrate her. No rain will ruin the celebration that day.

Maybe it will even be symbolic. After the rain comes a rainbow. How cool would it be for a actual rainbow to pop up on my rainbow's birthday. pretty awesome. Yup i'll be a optimist as usual and look at it that way. =)

But it would be equally awesome for no rain too! Me and Jonathan even send a special request to our special little angel to talk to God and ask him to move the storm a little faster. Like i said though whatever the weather the day will be celebrated and awesome.

Grief, trigger

Triggers. Oh how i hate you. Grief you are equally despised by me.

Today i have been emotional. Actually i have been emotional starting since last week. I've been in full party planning mode and keeping myself busy. Go, go, go has been me this past month.

I can attribute my emotional side coming out because well, my baby girl is turning one in less then a week. Geez when they say time flies i had no idea. I can still remember bringing her home the first night and her crying while me and Jonathan frantically changed her diaper, tried putting her to sleep, calling my mom for back up and seriously considering taking her to the hospital something must be wrong we thought, of course nothing was wrong though she was just being a newborn. Now here we are almost a year later and chasing around a cruising baby. My has she grown. These past two weeks she has got three teeth! two on the bottom and one on the top, looks like the other top is making his appearance too. Well we are now in countdown till Sunday and everything is all set (almost) and i have had time to slow down and think about joshy's angelversary coming up next month. It's been on my head, the date April 22nd, it's always there but this month i had a reason to block it out, planning natty's birthday party, but things are starting to calm down and so with that come the thoughts.

"Two years ago this week i was holding joshy" ....."Two years ago today, i was ......"

We went to party city two weeks ago. I realized i hadn't been their since going to shop for joshy's first birthday balloons and decorations for his grave site. It actually didn't hit me till we were paying for the items and i noticed my self asking the lady how much to pre order some 1st birthday balloons, here i was a year after with my rainbow asking for 1st birthday balloons for her.

Triggers. They come out of now where. What's worse is the triggers that you don't see coming, i mean there's the obvious ones such as seeing a story about a preemie on t.v, hearing someone call their son named joshua at a store, passing by children's hospital on the freeway those are triggers you know.

But i'm talking about the one's that creep up on you, the ones that when your having a good day come at you and remind you
"na uh dear remember me" I hate them.

Another thing i hate......jealousy. Yes me, the one with a healthy, perfectly adorable, just perfect daughter. Jealous of others and their baby boy's. I know this will never go away, i know it wont ever stop stinging when i see joshy's cousin (his age) playing and let my head wonder what would joshy be doing.

I seriously hate it.

well here we are a week before natalia's first birthday and i should be happy go lucky instead im emotional because it's it's her first birthday but her big brother wont be there. He'll be there in spirit i know that much, And  of course so will 'monkey josh' too but it's not the same. I feel guilty for even feeling this way. this should be all about natty but everything is all related.

I think i wrote about this last time, we haven't been able to go visit joshy because jonathan was sick. well we passed by the cemetery on Sunday and we couldn't go see him. I had this knot in my tummy that not only did i want to go see him but i wanted to take him home with us!

YES i know that sounds CRAZY but i am being serious i really thought lets go and dig him up and take him home......

I'm losing my mind guys......that's what grief and triggers will do. they will make you think your crazy.

After all the craziest part of this is, to YOU this seems normal, no only normal but DOABLE.

..........sigh...........

Well now that things are starting to calm and I GOT MY NEW BATTERY whoot whoot i will be posting more. and this week i will be posting my "dear natalia" post my letter to my baby girl on her first birthday for her to read when she is old enough. ......i was going to do a photobomb but i think i will wait. I will post one picture of natty and her daddy. OH for anyone who was wondering how Jonathan is doing, He is doing much much better!! not only has he lost 31lbs (hubba hubba lol) but he is eating completely healthy and feeling much more confident about himself. . yay jonathan =)

These two make my life worth living     

wanted to share Natalia's Invitations 

Rainbow theme 1st birthday

The Back of the card. Our Rainbow baby