Tuesday, March 13, 2012

Grief, trigger

Triggers. Oh how i hate you. Grief you are equally despised by me.

Today i have been emotional. Actually i have been emotional starting since last week. I've been in full party planning mode and keeping myself busy. Go, go, go has been me this past month.

I can attribute my emotional side coming out because well, my baby girl is turning one in less then a week. Geez when they say time flies i had no idea. I can still remember bringing her home the first night and her crying while me and Jonathan frantically changed her diaper, tried putting her to sleep, calling my mom for back up and seriously considering taking her to the hospital something must be wrong we thought, of course nothing was wrong though she was just being a newborn. Now here we are almost a year later and chasing around a cruising baby. My has she grown. These past two weeks she has got three teeth! two on the bottom and one on the top, looks like the other top is making his appearance too. Well we are now in countdown till Sunday and everything is all set (almost) and i have had time to slow down and think about joshy's angelversary coming up next month. It's been on my head, the date April 22nd, it's always there but this month i had a reason to block it out, planning natty's birthday party, but things are starting to calm down and so with that come the thoughts.

"Two years ago this week i was holding joshy" ....."Two years ago today, i was ......"

We went to party city two weeks ago. I realized i hadn't been their since going to shop for joshy's first birthday balloons and decorations for his grave site. It actually didn't hit me till we were paying for the items and i noticed my self asking the lady how much to pre order some 1st birthday balloons, here i was a year after with my rainbow asking for 1st birthday balloons for her.

Triggers. They come out of now where. What's worse is the triggers that you don't see coming, i mean there's the obvious ones such as seeing a story about a preemie on t.v, hearing someone call their son named joshua at a store, passing by children's hospital on the freeway those are triggers you know.

But i'm talking about the one's that creep up on you, the ones that when your having a good day come at you and remind you
"na uh dear remember me" I hate them.

Another thing i hate......jealousy. Yes me, the one with a healthy, perfectly adorable, just perfect daughter. Jealous of others and their baby boy's. I know this will never go away, i know it wont ever stop stinging when i see joshy's cousin (his age) playing and let my head wonder what would joshy be doing.

I seriously hate it.

well here we are a week before natalia's first birthday and i should be happy go lucky instead im emotional because it's it's her first birthday but her big brother wont be there. He'll be there in spirit i know that much, And  of course so will 'monkey josh' too but it's not the same. I feel guilty for even feeling this way. this should be all about natty but everything is all related.

I think i wrote about this last time, we haven't been able to go visit joshy because jonathan was sick. well we passed by the cemetery on Sunday and we couldn't go see him. I had this knot in my tummy that not only did i want to go see him but i wanted to take him home with us!

YES i know that sounds CRAZY but i am being serious i really thought lets go and dig him up and take him home......

I'm losing my mind guys......that's what grief and triggers will do. they will make you think your crazy.

After all the craziest part of this is, to YOU this seems normal, no only normal but DOABLE.

..........sigh...........

Well now that things are starting to calm and I GOT MY NEW BATTERY whoot whoot i will be posting more. and this week i will be posting my "dear natalia" post my letter to my baby girl on her first birthday for her to read when she is old enough. ......i was going to do a photobomb but i think i will wait. I will post one picture of natty and her daddy. OH for anyone who was wondering how Jonathan is doing, He is doing much much better!! not only has he lost 31lbs (hubba hubba lol) but he is eating completely healthy and feeling much more confident about himself. . yay jonathan =)

These two make my life worth living     

wanted to share Natalia's Invitations 

Rainbow theme 1st birthday

The Back of the card. Our Rainbow baby

No comments:

Post a Comment