Monday, October 13, 2014

Poop & Pee

I would always read a whole bunch of stuff on how kids say the funniest things. I have learned that to be very true! It seems as natty's vocabulary expands the list of hilarious things she says increases as well. It also very interesting to see a three year old comprehend things and explain them in a "3 year old fashion" sometimes simple & to the point & other times very entertaining. I've actually learned quite a bit from everyday conversations with her. 

I have written before how I hate blogging from my iPad and I still don't have a laptop but I have decided in trying to document these natty-isms I will try to post more often even if it's just a post with the "natty quote of the day" 

So to start things off 

This morning as I'm changing her diaper ( yes, my 3 year old is still not potty trained. That is a whole other post) 

Natalia: mommy I went pee & poop. I went pee in the front of my diaper and poop in the back.
Me: thanks for letting me know baby, and did you know you go pee and poop from two different places ? 
Natalia: *with a very concerned face* WOW! I did not know that, I think that's great! That's why my diaper in the front has pee & the back has poop. 

Stay tuned for more interesting conversations with my 3 year old.

Unrelated to this post and because I haven't posted pictures of my little one in a while here are some pictures :) We bought some stencils,face paint & J was drew them on. 

Monday, October 6, 2014


I've been obsessing over something for the past two weeks.
It didn't seem like I was obsessing over it to me....till tonight.

As the sun started to set and it started hitting me. REALLY hitting me that tomorrow will be Joshy's FIFTH birthday it dawned on me. I had been obsessing over this one thing to avoid tomorrow. As if that would make it easier. As if keeping my mind on this one thing would make tomorrow not happen. It would make these past 5 years not real. It would make these past 5 years, NOT 5 years.

5 years.
Has it really been 5 years ?....
5 years

It hurts to type that number.
It's such a huge milestone.

5 years ago we had such a huge optimistic view on what life was going to be like that it's frighting almost. I was reading back on the blog to 5 years ago and we were just soooo optimistic. We were sure everything would be fine.  Up till his birth we had already gone through so much, HE had already gone through so much that it seemed like the odds were in our favor. Funny, you would think we would be pessimistic.

Our extended family never really knew just how high risk of a pregnancy Joshua was and just everything that was going on. I think that was pretty evident to his Birthday and when everyone came to the hospital to meet him. I'm sure they had a different image of meeting him than what they actually saw. Some of Jonathan's cousin's girlfriends were pregnant at the time and came to meet him. I remember them walking back into My room holding their belly. I remember the looks on their faces.... I got it. I don't wish our situation on anybody.

Trust me, I got it. Who could imagine what a 1lb 8oz baby would look like ?
Who would want to imagine that ?
Really that was a Goal weight to us. Up till about 2 weeks before he hadn't reached the 1lb mark.

Although all "normal" had been thrown out the window a LONG time before his birth, to us, it was still a very joyous occasion. We, HE had fought so hard just to be born, to have a chance at life outside the womb we were so happy that day.

Yes we weren't expecting to have him on October 7, but we knew we were baking on borrowed time so although his birth DATE was a surprise, we were over the moon he had made it and so although his birthday is hard and sad and so many other things it's also a joyous day.

The day I became a mom.
The day Jonathan became a dad.
The day WE became parents.
The day our little fighter proved A LOT of doctors wrong.
The day my heart grew and filled with love beyond anything I could have ever imagined.

So on October 7th I am reminded of all that.

Our life forever changed and I have said it once and I will say it again, Knowing that we would have the outcome we did I WOULD STILL DO IT ALL OVER AGAIN.

For six months I was honored to be in the presence of the strongest being I have and will ever know.

Happy 5th birthday Joshy.
There's not a day that goes by that I don't think about you.
There isn't a day that goes by that I don't wish you were here.
There isn't a day that goes by that I don't think about what you would look like, what type of little boy you would be.
There isn't a day I don't remember you my king.
Forever mine.
Forever ours.

In what was a perfect concert lineup, me and your dad had a chance to see both of your songs performed live by both bands.
With You by Linkin Park & Kings & Queens By 30 seconds to Mars
In what was nothing short of what I think a "sign" from you Kings & Queens was performed by Jared Letto to a special needs man.
Part of 'With You' was performed no more than 90 feet from us...... Thank you buddy.

"So even though you’re so close to me
You’re still so distant and I can’t bring you back

It’s true the way I feel
Was promised by your face
The sound of your voice
Painted on my memories
Even if you’re not with me

(I’m with you)
Now I see keeping everything inside
(with you)
Now I see
Even when I close my eyes
(with you)
Now I see keeping everything inside
(with you)
Now I see even when I close my eyes"

Monday, August 25, 2014

Genie, You're free

In my lifetime I have experienced the sadness and loss of a lot of Great entertainers, artists, stars etc but nothing has hit me so hard than the suicide of Robin Williams. I have never cried for an actor but I cried for Robin. This may sound SO crazy and stupid to a lot of people, for me to be sad & personally shook about his suicide but let me explain.

If you are one of the few people who has followed my journey you are aware I suffer from clinical depression. I have written about it here. I have been very open about it. Its a part of me I hate but have come to terms with. Unless you have personally suffered from clinical depression, you really have no idea how physically, emotionally, just all around painful it is to live with. Mental health is such a taboo subject . People think that someone suffering from clinical depression can just snap out of it, but we can't. For me personally it's a day to day battle. Just in my last post I had written about how I had to go on med's again after being off of them for 6+ months. Jonathan has been with me for almost 9 years and he still doesn't fully get clinical depression. I will have "bad days" when I'm just down & start crying for no reason & when he asks me "what's wrong" and I answer with " I DON'T KNOW, I'M JUST SAD!" he doesn't get it. There's no reason. He has come a long way with understanding it better and I hate that I have put that burden on him, to have to "deal" with that in our relationship. Before me he had no idea about mental health. Unfortunately he has now come to be very aware of what Clinical depression, anxiety, panic attacks, and now PTSD is.

A year or two into our relationship I went into one of my deepest depression episodes. I stayed inside the house for literately 3 months. If he didn't make me eat, I wouldn't. Most of those 3 months were spent inside my room, laying in bed. He didn't get it. How someone could feel so depressed about life that they could just lay in bed for days or weeks and not eat. Not have any desire to live. It was during those months that I started cutting myself. To feel. It helped. During one of those cutting episodes is when I tried committing suicide. I didn't want to live anymore. Living was just painful and I didn't see a reason to continue. Jonathan stayed awake for almost three days guarding me and making sure I didn't succeed. I still don't know how I made it out of that episode. I've had other deep depression episodes and suicide is always on my head during them. Dying is always in my head. I'm not fearful of death. I think it would be liberating to die. Crazy to write that but that's the type of thoughts that go on in my head. Of course I have reason's to live & be "happy" my beautiful daughter but you see, the thoughts that go on in my head because of this disease are like this

- Jonathan would be better off with someone who isn't so socially awkward and weird
- You're a failure as a person. What have you done with your life ?
- Your family would be better off without you. All you are is a burden

This list could be very long because my head is just filled with negative thoughts. Its like a black hole and every day I try to climb out of it to reach some light. Some days I get to climb a little further than others and reach the light. Then there's days, weeks, months that go on and I'm living in the light with the darkness there but the light overcoming it but for whatever reason something happens, it can be something insignificant to some people but to someone with clinical depression it's so different. It a spiraling effect. One small thing leads to a day of sadness to a week until you're so deep into the darkness that suicide seems like the only way you'll be able to be free. Free. Free from pain, from darkness, from suffering and from this unmanageable sadness that you can't explain.

That is why I have mourned Robin as if I knew him. He has always been one of my favorite actors & comedians but his suicide hit so close to home. When I got the breaking news report on my phone my heart sank & as I read that it was from suicide I started crying. I know how it feels to be that deep in your depression that you just want to be free. In the days, weeks following his suicide so much information & so many people have started talking about clinical depression and mental health that it has been overwhelming. Overwhelmingly good & bad. I have seen so many posts with people speaking about their own battle but with those posts also come the negative ones. The ones of people who have no idea what its like to live with clinical depression or mental problems. It got so bad in the days after his suicide that I choose to deactivate my Facebook, I had just gone back on med's and being emotionally unstable having to see every other post be about his suicide and depression was just making my own depression worse not to mention I all of Joshua's preemie friends were getting ready to start Kindergarten and it was just too much.

So that is why the suicide of Robin Williams has been personal to me. 

Genie: "I'm history! No, I'm mythology! Nah, I don't care what I am; I'm free hee! "

May his death open up the dialog of the taboo disease that is depression & addiction. It's an EVER DAY struggle.

Genie: "To be my own master. Such a thing would be greater than all the magic and all the treasures in all the world. But what am I talking about? Let's get real here, that's never gonna happen. Genie, wake up and smell the hummus."

Rest in PEACE Mr.williams, you're free

Wednesday, July 9, 2014

Where I'm at

Where I'm at with grief.
I'm not where I used to be and for that I am thankful but I know there is no end to this type of grief. So I don't know how to explain where I'm at. It varies day by day.

I know in the update I wrote about being off of my depression med's and that has been a huge step for me, but it doesn't mean I don't struggle daily with mental issues. I still take Xanax and nightly ambien. I still have daily struggles that have to do with Josh's loss. I try to manage the best I can. Lately I have been getting closer and closer to going back on Zoloft. I know that even though I have managed to find coping mechanism, when it comes down to it I still have a chemical imbalance that will never let me be"normal" and I'm ok with that. I accept it. The fact that life has thrown curveballs my way to make it even harder to manage my depression and more reasons to be depressed I accept it . So I see as being off med's as a victory but it's doesn't mean I know I won't ever be back on them. I'm ok with being on them and know myself well enough to know that that day is getting closer.

We get asked countless times when we're planning on having another. The though of being pregnant makes me want to have a panic attack. I can't handle pregnancy. I don't have normal pregnancy thoughts when pregnant. I'm on a constant state of panic. Just having natty is a daily struggle for me. I know the thoughts I have are not normal but it's the panic mode in me. Waiting for soemthing to go wrong. Natty will be doing something as simple as walking to the store with J and in my head I'm thinking the 101 things that can happen to her.  I notice that I have found a way to deal with my grief and that is to just block feelings out. Just go numb. I have been in counseling and it helped but I think these ways of coping are what have allowed me to continue. There's too much pain to handle and it's overwhelming. I see how other moms of angels have managed to rely on faith to get them through and I wish that was me but I ran away from my faith with josh. Maybe one day I'll be able to re connect with my faith.

-I started writing this on Monday, by Tuesday I knew I was no longer able to manage my depression as I lay in the shower crying uncontrollably. I wrote to my doctor and I will be going back on med's starting this week. Like I wrote above I knew it was coming.

Monday, July 7, 2014

The day that never came

(Drafts that never got published)

It's three days before April 22nd.

Last night as natty lay sleeping while i rocked her before bed, i held her and just closed my eyes and it happened. All my emotions about that day came. I held her and cried, and cried, and cried......I remembered how two years ago i was holding her brother and we had so much hope. He was coming home......That's what hurts the most i think, the fact that we were supposed to be going home SOON after six months we were going home.

Today April 19, i think about how i was sure joshy would come home. Me and Jonathan were fixing joshy's room and if he would sleep in his room or ours. We were in cloud 9

Happy fourth birthday joshy

(This was a draft that never got published)

Happy 4th birthday my drama king. There isn't a day, a second that goes by that you're not in my thoughts. I often see little boys or even your cousins playing and imagine if you would look like them or simply imagine you running around with them. If there's a heaven then I Imagine you're healthy, running smiling & playing with your grandpa. I miss you joshy. Happy birthday my chunky monkey. As you get older and I wonder what life would be like with you here, what you would look like, I know there's one thing I'm sure of, I'm blessed to have the honor of being your mom. I love you my not so little baby, anymore.

Wait, what year is it ?

Hey guys!
yes it's me. Yesenia.
 How long has it been ? I feel like I have a whole bunch of stuff to catch you guys up on but we'll just start off with basic updates.

Natalia is now 3! How did that happen ? For her third birthday we surprised her with a Disneyland trip. The kid LOVED it. We're now planning on getting annual passes. That's my girl, loves her Disney just like her mama. Lol
She talks non stop and her favorite thing to say right now is "oh my god" she's such a little sassy girl and we know she's going to be trouble when she gets to her teenage years. over all she is such a sweet and smart little girl. Very, friendly, very outing, very happy, Loves dancing and overall a VERY healthy little girl

In December of 2013 Me, Jonathan and Natalia took a trip to Nicaragua so natty could meet the rest of Jonathan's side of his/her family. We really loved it down there unfortunately i spend the first week over there sick as a dog. The second week was much better. Natalia got to spend time with her grandma, great grandma , and meet her great great grandma! How cool! This whole trip is going to be another post but i'm just trying to update.

On October of 2013 we found out my brother had advanced non Hodgkin lymphoma. He began treatment later that month and I took on the roll of managing his care. Making appointments, taking him to and from appointments, filling out medical leave papers, etc. The day we were leaving for nicaragua we took him for a PICC line change, turns out he had a infection in his gum and had to stay in the hospital. It was a tough year but I am happy to see chemo worked and as of may he went into remission. He has a follow up pet scan July 27th but so far so good *fingers crossed*

As for me.....
I am still working/being a stay at home mom sort of. You see as I explained before Natty is able to be at work with me which has been a huge blessing to see her grow and be there for her, not miss a thing but it's time for her to start some type of preschool or day care. So she will be going to J's aunts day care 2-3 days a week . She is eager to learn and go to school.

Back to me. It has now been one full year since I have been off my depression meds and off two other meds. How did i manage to do that ? well Jonathan joined a gym and to support him i joined too. Little did i know how much joining that gym would change my life. I have found a healthy way to let out all the anger I feel out. After josh I had and still do have a lot of anger towards life and towards myself, But lifting weights, the gym has helped with all those feelings. I love waking  up early and knowing i'm in control of my body and what it's going to do that morning. Lifting weights, working out is more than just exsircing  for me. Its taking my power back. Its taking my power from my body back, I hated my body after having Josh, It didn't do what it was meant to do but at the gym I'M in control. it has helped as therapy and the results are just a bonus. 

I wish I could post everything else I want to update but the problem is as of right now we only have one laptop which Jonathan uses at work. He is using mine because his $2,300  gamer laptop got stolen. just our luck right ?  I'm working on buying myself a laptop that would i would use just to upload pictures and blog. I MISS BLOGGING SO MUCH!

There's so much more i want to write about but i guess this will do for now.
Here are some random pictures from the past couple of months going back to some pictures from our trip to Nicaragua. I hope to get my laptop soon because there's so much I have to write about joshy and my grief but that's going to be a long post so for now. I leave you with these.