I've been obsessing over something for the past two weeks.
It didn't seem like I was obsessing over it to me....till tonight.
As the sun started to set and it started hitting me. REALLY hitting me that tomorrow will be Joshy's FIFTH birthday it dawned on me. I had been obsessing over this one thing to avoid tomorrow. As if that would make it easier. As if keeping my mind on this one thing would make tomorrow not happen. It would make these past 5 years not real. It would make these past 5 years, NOT 5 years.
Has it really been 5 years ?....
It hurts to type that number.
It's such a huge milestone.
5 years ago we had such a huge optimistic view on what life was going to be like that it's frighting almost. I was reading back on the blog to 5 years ago and we were just soooo optimistic. We were sure everything would be fine. Up till his birth we had already gone through so much, HE had already gone through so much that it seemed like the odds were in our favor. Funny, you would think we would be pessimistic.
Our extended family never really knew just how high risk of a pregnancy Joshua was and just everything that was going on. I think that was pretty evident to his Birthday and when everyone came to the hospital to meet him. I'm sure they had a different image of meeting him than what they actually saw. Some of Jonathan's cousin's girlfriends were pregnant at the time and came to meet him. I remember them walking back into My room holding their belly. I remember the looks on their faces.... I got it. I don't wish our situation on anybody.
Trust me, I got it. Who could imagine what a 1lb 8oz baby would look like ?
Who would want to imagine that ?
Really that was a Goal weight to us. Up till about 2 weeks before he hadn't reached the 1lb mark.
Although all "normal" had been thrown out the window a LONG time before his birth, to us, it was still a very joyous occasion. We, HE had fought so hard just to be born, to have a chance at life outside the womb we were so happy that day.
Yes we weren't expecting to have him on October 7, but we knew we were baking on borrowed time so although his birth DATE was a surprise, we were over the moon he had made it and so although his birthday is hard and sad and so many other things it's also a joyous day.
The day I became a mom.
The day Jonathan became a dad.
The day WE became parents.
The day our little fighter proved A LOT of doctors wrong.
The day my heart grew and filled with love beyond anything I could have ever imagined.
So on October 7th I am reminded of all that.
Our life forever changed and I have said it once and I will say it again, Knowing that we would have the outcome we did I WOULD STILL DO IT ALL OVER AGAIN.
For six months I was honored to be in the presence of the strongest being I have and will ever know.
Happy 5th birthday Joshy.
There's not a day that goes by that I don't think about you.
There isn't a day that goes by that I don't wish you were here.
There isn't a day that goes by that I don't think about what you would look like, what type of little boy you would be.
There isn't a day I don't remember you my king.
In what was a perfect concert lineup, me and your dad had a chance to see both of your songs performed live by both bands.
With You by Linkin Park & Kings & Queens By 30 seconds to Mars
In what was nothing short of what I think a "sign" from you Kings & Queens was performed by Jared Letto to a special needs man.
Part of 'With You' was performed no more than 90 feet from us...... Thank you buddy.
"So even though you’re so close to me
You’re still so distant and I can’t bring you back
It’s true the way I feel
Was promised by your face
The sound of your voice
Painted on my memories
Even if you’re not with me
(I’m with you)
Now I see keeping everything inside
Now I see
Even when I close my eyes
Now I see keeping everything inside
Now I see even when I close my eyes"