Tuesday, December 6, 2011

The Holidays

Finally!

So i have been going through writing with drawls, and i have been wanting to post but it's been hard with my laptop. The battery is dead and the laptop must be connected in order to charge, it can stay on for a little while but then dies out ugh!

So where to begin ? how about with me venting and then ending with happy thoughts about natty's new shinanigins ? yup sounds good to me.

The holidays are here and this year i am not being a grinch. Two days after thanksgiving we went out and bought our tree. For the past three years i could of cared less if it was December, if we had a tree, or anything associated with Christmas, especially the freaking commercials. This year i am in full Christmas cheer.

Or so i thought.

The last couple of days little things have began to annoy me really bad. At first i thought i was having a off day but i traced it all back to the feelings that i try to push back day after day. It's the 'happiest' time of year and i don't have my son. I wonder if the few people who read this are tired of me writing about this? but seriously this is what a mother who has lost a child goes through day after day. I feel so blessed to have my natty but yet day after day i keep myself from fully feeling my grief. I have become pretty good at it actually. Thought & memories will creep up on me hourly and in my head like a movie joshua's last day's last moments will flash through my head. I quickly will focus on something else to push these thoughts back.

Have you guys ever seen this movie "the rabbit hole" . If you haven't it's a really good movie and Nicole kiddman did an awesome job in portraying the raw grief that a mother feels. The couples struggle to get along when neither of them is able to express the way they feel about their grief. We watched this movie, me and Jonathan in bed when it first came out last year. We both cried during different parts of the movie while holding each other. And then the last scene in the movie came up, they're having a party in the backyard and are actually enjoying themselves, then everyone leaves and its just them two, alone, sitting down in the lawn chairs outside and they hold hands. Just them two, alone in their grief. That part hit home the most. My family is really great about remembering josh but when it comes down to it , i don't think anyone (unless your a angel mom yourself) can relate about the emotions that happen day after day. In the end your alone. Just you and your grief.

I think the number one question i get asked is "does it get easier" this quote from the movie says it best.

Becca: Does it ever go away?
Nat: No, I don't think it does. Not for me, it hasn't - has gone on for eleven years. But it changes though.
Becca: How?
Nat: I don't know... the weight of it, I guess. At some point, it becomes bearable. It turns into something that you can crawl out from under and... carry around like a brick in your pocket. And you... you even forget it, for a while. But then you reach in for whatever reason and - there it is. Oh right, that. Which could be aweful - not all the time. It's kinda...
[
deep breath]
Nat: not that you'd like it exactly, but it's what you've got instead of your son. So, you carry it around. And uh... it doesn't go away. Which is...
Becca: Which is what?
Nat: Fine, actually. 


Here's the trailer




some days i look back into the last three years and think 'did i seriously go through all that' While in the car while Jonathan is driving i'll close my eyes and feel the sun shining on my face and think about holding josh. It's at those moments that i feel the most at peace, closing my eyes and feeling the sun, the wind, hearing the birds chirping and dreaming. That's all i have. Some times i wish i could forget everything like in men in black. Not josh but the painful memories like his last days and erase that . I've actually have had this conversation with Jonathan before and we always come up with the same answer, it would be nice, but no, even the painful memories are memories with josh and we want to keep those.

For thanksgiving my brother came over and made a comment to my mom and sister. The exact comment i'm not sure as it was told to me in two different ways. but it went a little something along the lines of

"i can tell Yesenia doesn't love natty as much as josh, and she is just so sad, she should of waited to have natty, i can tell she is sad"

Now where to start with this comment. First lets start of with this, i always look sad or mad. My facial features are just that way. For as long as i can remember people always have commented about why i'm sad. Geez people i'm not it's just my face! LOL i'm being serious though. Yes my eyes probably have more sadness then they did before, wouldn't yours? but one thing is for sure. Nothing brings happiness into my eyes more then my little girl. She has brought happiness back into my eyes. She reminds me life isn't as fucked up as i think, and i enjoy every single minute with her. With the help of my family i am able to be a stay at home mom and i'm thankful everyday i' am able to enjoy every second with her. More then anything this comment hurt me. It hurt because if you read back into my posts the one thing i have always been afraid of is not showing my love for natty the way i did for josh. I have been honest it took some time to fully allow myself to fully fall in love with natty because i was so freaked out about something happening to her. But that's not the case now, i love that little girl, she is my world and i shouldn't have to explain my love for her because i know she FEELS it and that's what's important. The second thing is who can say when is a right time to have a baby after you have lost one ? Is it ever going to be a right time ? When are you done grieving ? NEVER you are never done grieving and if i was to have waited for the right time well, i would be a very old lady because the truth is i am never going to stop grieving but that doesn't mean i wasn't ready for natty. 

Now moving on to Natty shinanigins. My little girl is my rainbow. I mean she IS my rainbow but she really is my pot of gold. Everyday is a new adventure with her. This week she has figured out how to fully crawl on all fours and how to pull her self up. Her favorite activity this week is getting into her bottom drawer and pulling all her Jammie's out. She knows she's not supposed to so she starts doing it and turns back and smiles , you want to get mad but can't help and just smile back and want to squeeze her for being so freaking adorable! Along with these new things has also come something I wish she could take back. Not sleeping. She has always been a wonderful sleeper I mean long naps and nice 10-12 hour nights , for the past three weeks she has been waking up twice a night, she had spoiled us so much with our sleep but i'll gladly take these sleepless nights to have her. Don't quote me on this when I'm up at 3am trying to nurse her back to sleep though :p .

Well here are some pictures and videos to catch you guys up. Enjoy !

Smiling at her black Friday wipe stash
Her wipe stash baby
Her Fist Christmas tree! (she was not amused)

Miss santa clause =)
  
Her first time meeting santa. I really wanted to get a good screaming picture. Evil mom i know lol but she was so calm
Our First christmas family picture. At this point she was over santa
                  

Here's Natty favorite thing to do at the moment. Clean out her bottom drawers



Here's her other favorite thing. Bothering her dog alfie. If you play close attention in the start of the video she farts lol. I know she's going to hate me for posting this when she's older but it freaking funny


And One of her favorite things is listening to music and bopping to the beat.


and just cause i really like how happy i look in this picture and i never post pictures of myself i'm posting this one =)  

                                  Happy Holidays ! From Me, Jonathan, Joshy & Natty