Sunday, May 30, 2010

joshua's entire video......

joshua's journey from yesenia castillo on Vimeo.

preemie purple heart.....

for those of you who dont know why im so happy about my preemie purple heart and what my heart means here it's my badge of honer !

When a child is born prematurely it can be hard to live the joy of having a baby or to have hope. Suddenly and unexpectedly one of life´s greatest moments is replaced by anxiety, grief and solitude. While all of our stories are unique and our outcomes vary, our struggles and search for comfort are all the same. Preemie Hearts was founded with the intention of filling that void which many of us feel during and after our preemie experiences.

The  folder The Preemie Purple Heart is a symbol of unity, love, and understanding among families like ours. As it has for ten years now, the Heart keepsake provides a meaningful way to commemorate our personal experiences and express our gratitude, understanding, and compassion for others in these trying times.

In the future, we hope that methods and treatments are found that can save children and families from the preemie experience. Every heart sold contributes to research in order to find preventative measures. The Preemie Purple Heart cooperates with i.e. March Of Dimes and the Pregenia foundation.
i added this post from a moms blog who has an angel as of the moms from my preemie group send to me and really hit home. Just like the mom who posted this did i did the same i bolded and colored the ones that really matter to me.

20 Things parents of angels wish you would remember

1. I wish you would not be afraid to mention my baby. The truth is just because you never say my baby doesn't mean he doesn't deserve your recognition.

2. I wish that if we did talk about my baby and I cried you didn't think it was because you have hurt me by mentioning him. The truth is I need to cry and talk about my baby with you. Crying and emotional outbursts help me heal.

3.I wish that you could talk about my baby more than once. The truth is if you do, it reassures me that you haven't forgotten him and that you do care and understand.

4. I wish you wouldn't think that I don't want to talk about my baby. The truth is that I love my baby and need to talk about him.

5.I wish you could tell me you are sorry my baby has died and that you are thinking of me. The truth is it tells me you care.

6.I wish you wouldn't think what has happened is one big bad memory for me. The truth is the memory of my baby, the love I feel for my baby, the dreams I had and the memories I have created for my baby are all loving memories. Yes, there are bad memories too but please understand that it's not all like that.

7.I wish you wouldn't pretend that my baby never existed. The truth is we both know I had a baby growing inside of me.

8.I wish you wouldn't judge me because I am not acting the way you think I should be. The truth is grief is a very personal thing and we are all different people who deal with things differently.

9.I wish you wouldn't think if I have a good day I'm "over it" or if I have a bad day I am being unreasonable because you think I should be over it. The truth is there is no "normal" way for me to act.

10. I wish you wouldn't stay away from me. The truth is losing my baby doesn't mean I'm contagious. By staying away you make me feel isolated, confused and like it's my fault.

11. I wish you wouldn't expect my grief to be "over and done with" in a few weeks, months, or years for that matter. The truth is that it may get easier with time but I will never be "over this".

12.I wish you wouldn't think that my baby wasn't a real baby and it was blood and tissue or a fetus. The truth is my baby was a human life. He had a soul, heart, body, legs, arms and face. I have seen my baby's body and face. My baby was a real person.

13.My babies due date, Mothers Day, celebration times, the day my baby died and the day my baby was delivered are all important and sad days for me. The truth is I wish you could tell me by words or by letter you are thinking of me on these days.

14.I wish you would understand that losing my baby has changed me. The truth is I am not the same person I was before and will never be that person again. If you keep waiting for me to get back to "normal" you will stay frustrated. I am a new person with new thoughts, dreams, beliefs and values. Please try to get to know the real me --- maybe you'll still like me.

15. I wish you wouldn't tell me to have another baby. The truth is that I want the baby I lost and no other baby can replace him. Babies aren't interchangeable.

16. I wish you wouldn't feel awkward or uncomfortable talking about my baby or being near me. When you do, I can see it. The truth is it's not fair to make me feel uncomfortable just because you do.

17. I wish you wouldn't think that you'll keep away because all my friends and family will be there for me. The truth is, everyone thinks the same thing and I am often left with no one.

18.I wish you would understand that being around pregnant women is uncomfortable for me.

19.I wish you wouldn't say that it's natures way of telling me something was wrong with my baby. The truth is my baby was perfect to me no matter what you think nature is saying.

20.I wish you would understand that what you are really saying when you say "next time things will be okay". The truth is how do you know? What will you say it it happens to me again.

Saturday, May 29, 2010

bitter sweet.

so today was joshua's aunties graduations from high school a big milestone for both of them. For me it was a bittersweet experience. Today was supposed to be joshua's big debut. Instead there i was all dressed up make up on, all the while please excuse me feeling like Sh*t. I love and adore his auntie's and even though i knew it was going to be difficult for me i went because i love them. I dont expect people to understand what it is im feeling, how im doing that day or any day. Bieng a quite reserved person to begin with having to deal with the death of my son has been my Mt.Everest. Everyday i wake up feeling different, today is the day i will accept joshua passing on to the lord was for the best, tomorrow i will wake up questioning everything. Joshua was alive for six month, and before that spend six month inside me, he kicked and did little flips, he was a being, and when he was born i looked at him and saw perfection in my little one pound 8oz. Every little finger, every little toe just where it was supposed to be . Many people didn't know my pregnancy was high risk, me and jonathan chose to keep that private, when the doctor let us know the obstacles ahead the high risk because of bieng so premature we put all our faith and hope and said GOD we know this is your will and we know you wont take such a precious gift away. Six month passed with more Ups and downs then any roller coaster you know. In the end god's will was take our precious angel back to where he came. Why? i will never know. So today has been an extra hard day for me. there i was sitting in church listening to the commencement speeches all the while looking beside me thinking joshua you where sopposed to have been right here. two rows in front of us there was a little boy he might of been 1 and kept smiling and playing peek a boo, with a binky just like joshua's i couldnt help but cry. I dont expect people to understand me, to treat me different, i am mourning my beautiful child who to me was taking way to soon. I have remained in my room for the last month in hiding, why ? because being out in public hurts to much, i have always been a shy and quite person, i smile when im sopposed to and laugh when there's a joke, it's hard for me to be in public while in my head, in my heart im breaking, i have excluded myself from my family, friends, because 1. people don't know how to act around me. i do not like the fact they don't acknowledge joshua maybe it's because they think it' s painful, joshua was a BEAUTIFUL BEING, he was funny, smart and very flirty =) i hate it when people act like he never existed. he did ! right now it is painful for me to have to be around people when i see pictures of family members celebrating birthdays knowing joshua was sopposed to be in those pictures. my point being, today i realized something, maybe people dont know how to act because for six month joshua was in the NICU and no one got to know him but he was real, he was wonderful. I'm not sure how long the grieving process goes, who know ? not me, im not sure when the pain will subside, i dont know when i will feel like hiding under a rock is better then sharing a meal with a friend and laughing is OK because joshua would want me to. i dont know. what i do know is, joshua alexander existed. he touched SO many people my little man was amazing . i get it people you dont know how to act around me, all i ask is that joshua gets acknowledged. It's okay i LOVE talking about my chunky monkey. he will always be my son, my prince,my king, my heart, and my son for always and ever. Soooo when will i feel better ? when will i go party and not feel guilty ? when will i see a binky and not start crying ? who know's not me, not you, only god. because only he know's why he does the things he does and when he does it . I'm still angry with you lord, i know i shouldn't be and in time i will know why you chose to bring your angel back. but for now. Hi's Hello's, have you guys gone to see joshua ? those will do. =)

Tuesday, May 25, 2010

what if ...........

i've been having such a horrible day, i dont know why, i had a great weekend and thought i had dealt with some issues with joshy's passing but today all i seem to go over and over and over in my head is "what if " i keep remembering the two nights before he passed and it on constant replay in my head. i think this might have something to do with me remembering joshy was sopposed to be coming home soon. my husbands little neice just celebrated her 2 bitrthday and all his new nieces and nephews (for those of you that have been following my story 3 of us were sopposed to give birth a month apart) and seeing the pictures of all the daddy's holding their baby's and knowing joshy was sopposed to be in those pictures with jonathan smiling proudly..............sigh what if.

Monday, May 24, 2010

death is not the end....

So as everyone know's my chunky monkey recieved his wings on april 22nd. It has now been a month (can you believe it) and am barely starting to realize he really is gone. I wish the pain i go through daily on no one. I KNOW joshua is in a better place in heaven with god, and he took him because joshua's mission in life had been completed that and his vessel (body) wasnt the right one for him, i know he feels no more pain and plays with his cousin, this does and does not make me feel better. I am angry at god for taking my precious gift from me. But am privilaged to be a mother to a angel, a bieng who with six month of life touched more people then most people do there whole 70plus years of life. wow what an amazing person joshua IS, i dont like talking about him in past tesnse because because i believe he is still watching over us. making sure to guide us and remind us of the message he sent. One of eternal love. As for me how have i bieng doing ? how have i dealt ? i am not going to lie, the past weeks have been difficult, confused on why he was taking away from me, angry, scared, but mostly very angry. i have questioned my beliefes is their a god ? if so why would he let a precious boy suffer for six month, why would he make his family meet him and realize what an amazing bieng he is. to have him taking away,although very slowly i have started to realize joshua is in a great place his spirit was pure and brought family's together. joshua i miss you more then words can express, i hide my pain, i hold my tears, i smile , i laugh while suffering inside. you will forever be my prince, my king, my SON. i am honored to be your mother. although i only enjoyed you for six month and the pregnancy was a hard one, i would do it all over in a blink of an eye!

Wednesday, May 12, 2010

Joshy's primary trish send me this.

A Newborn's Conversation with God

A baby asked God, "They tell me you are sending me to earth tomorrow, but
how am I going to live there being so small and helpless?"
God said, "Your angel will be waiting for you and will take care of you."
The child further inquired, "But tell me, here in heaven I don't have to do
anything but sing and smile to be happy."
God said, "Your angel will sing for you and will also smile for you.
And you will feel your angel's love and be very happy."
Again the small child asked, "And how am I going to be able to understand

when people talk to me if I don't know the language?"
God said, "Your angel will tell you the most beautiful and sweet words you

will ever hear, and with much patience and care, your angel will teach you how to speak."
"And what am I going to do when I want to talk to you?"
God said, "Your angel will place your hands together and will teach you how
to pray."
"Who will protect me?"
God said, "Your angel will defend you even if it means risking its life."
"But I will always be sad because I will not see you anymore."
God said, "Your angel will always talk to you about Me and will teach you
the way to come back to Me, even though I will always be next to you."
At that moment there was much peace in Heaven, but voices from Earth could
be heard and the child hurriedly asked, "God, if I am to leave now, please tell me my angel's name."
God said, "You will simply call her, Mom."
Lift a mother's spirit; send this to every mother you know (no matter how
old her child is).

Tuesday, May 4, 2010