bitter sweet.

so today was joshua's aunties graduations from high school a big milestone for both of them. For me it was a bittersweet experience. Today was supposed to be joshua's big debut. Instead there i was all dressed up make up on, all the while please excuse me feeling like Sh*t. I love and adore his auntie's and even though i knew it was going to be difficult for me i went because i love them. I dont expect people to understand what it is im feeling, how im doing that day or any day. Bieng a quite reserved person to begin with having to deal with the death of my son has been my Mt.Everest. Everyday i wake up feeling different, today is the day i will accept joshua passing on to the lord was for the best, tomorrow i will wake up questioning everything. Joshua was alive for six month, and before that spend six month inside me, he kicked and did little flips, he was a being, and when he was born i looked at him and saw perfection in my little one pound 8oz. Every little finger, every little toe just where it was supposed to be . Many people didn't know my pregnancy was high risk, me and jonathan chose to keep that private, when the doctor let us know the obstacles ahead the high risk because of bieng so premature we put all our faith and hope and said GOD we know this is your will and we know you wont take such a precious gift away. Six month passed with more Ups and downs then any roller coaster you know. In the end god's will was take our precious angel back to where he came. Why? i will never know. So today has been an extra hard day for me. there i was sitting in church listening to the commencement speeches all the while looking beside me thinking joshua you where sopposed to have been right here. two rows in front of us there was a little boy he might of been 1 and kept smiling and playing peek a boo, with a binky just like joshua's i couldnt help but cry. I dont expect people to understand me, to treat me different, i am mourning my beautiful child who to me was taking way to soon. I have remained in my room for the last month in hiding, why ? because being out in public hurts to much, i have always been a shy and quite person, i smile when im sopposed to and laugh when there's a joke, it's hard for me to be in public while in my head, in my heart im breaking, i have excluded myself from my family, friends, because 1. people don't know how to act around me. i do not like the fact they don't acknowledge joshua maybe it's because they think it' s painful, joshua was a BEAUTIFUL BEING, he was funny, smart and very flirty =) i hate it when people act like he never existed. he did ! right now it is painful for me to have to be around people when i see pictures of family members celebrating birthdays knowing joshua was sopposed to be in those pictures. my point being, today i realized something, maybe people dont know how to act because for six month joshua was in the NICU and no one got to know him but he was real, he was wonderful. I'm not sure how long the grieving process goes, who know ? not me, im not sure when the pain will subside, i dont know when i will feel like hiding under a rock is better then sharing a meal with a friend and laughing is OK because joshua would want me to. i dont know. what i do know is, joshua alexander existed. he touched SO many people my little man was amazing . i get it people you dont know how to act around me, all i ask is that joshua gets acknowledged. It's okay i LOVE talking about my chunky monkey. he will always be my son, my prince,my king, my heart, and my son for always and ever. Soooo when will i feel better ? when will i go party and not feel guilty ? when will i see a binky and not start crying ? who know's not me, not you, only god. because only he know's why he does the things he does and when he does it . I'm still angry with you lord, i know i shouldn't be and in time i will know why you chose to bring your angel back. but for now. Hi's Hello's, have you guys gone to see joshua ? those will do. =)