Monday, May 24, 2010

death is not the end....

So as everyone know's my chunky monkey recieved his wings on april 22nd. It has now been a month (can you believe it) and am barely starting to realize he really is gone. I wish the pain i go through daily on no one. I KNOW joshua is in a better place in heaven with god, and he took him because joshua's mission in life had been completed that and his vessel (body) wasnt the right one for him, i know he feels no more pain and plays with his cousin, this does and does not make me feel better. I am angry at god for taking my precious gift from me. But am privilaged to be a mother to a angel, a bieng who with six month of life touched more people then most people do there whole 70plus years of life. wow what an amazing person joshua IS, i dont like talking about him in past tesnse because because i believe he is still watching over us. making sure to guide us and remind us of the message he sent. One of eternal love. As for me how have i bieng doing ? how have i dealt ? i am not going to lie, the past weeks have been difficult, confused on why he was taking away from me, angry, scared, but mostly very angry. i have questioned my beliefes is their a god ? if so why would he let a precious boy suffer for six month, why would he make his family meet him and realize what an amazing bieng he is. to have him taking away,although very slowly i have started to realize joshua is in a great place his spirit was pure and brought family's together. joshua i miss you more then words can express, i hide my pain, i hold my tears, i smile , i laugh while suffering inside. you will forever be my prince, my king, my SON. i am honored to be your mother. although i only enjoyed you for six month and the pregnancy was a hard one, i would do it all over in a blink of an eye!

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