what if ...........

i've been having such a horrible day, i dont know why, i had a great weekend and thought i had dealt with some issues with joshy's passing but today all i seem to go over and over and over in my head is "what if " i keep remembering the two nights before he passed and it on constant replay in my head. i think this might have something to do with me remembering joshy was sopposed to be coming home soon. my husbands little neice just celebrated her 2 bitrthday and all his new nieces and nephews (for those of you that have been following my story 3 of us were sopposed to give birth a month apart) and seeing the pictures of all the daddy's holding their baby's and knowing joshy was sopposed to be in those pictures with jonathan smiling proudly..............sigh what if.