Wednesday, July 9, 2014

Where I'm at

Where I'm at with grief.
I'm not where I used to be and for that I am thankful but I know there is no end to this type of grief. So I don't know how to explain where I'm at. It varies day by day.

I know in the update I wrote about being off of my depression med's and that has been a huge step for me, but it doesn't mean I don't struggle daily with mental issues. I still take Xanax and nightly ambien. I still have daily struggles that have to do with Josh's loss. I try to manage the best I can. Lately I have been getting closer and closer to going back on Zoloft. I know that even though I have managed to find coping mechanism, when it comes down to it I still have a chemical imbalance that will never let me be"normal" and I'm ok with that. I accept it. The fact that life has thrown curveballs my way to make it even harder to manage my depression and more reasons to be depressed I accept it . So I see as being off med's as a victory but it's doesn't mean I know I won't ever be back on them. I'm ok with being on them and know myself well enough to know that that day is getting closer.

We get asked countless times when we're planning on having another. The though of being pregnant makes me want to have a panic attack. I can't handle pregnancy. I don't have normal pregnancy thoughts when pregnant. I'm on a constant state of panic. Just having natty is a daily struggle for me. I know the thoughts I have are not normal but it's the panic mode in me. Waiting for soemthing to go wrong. Natty will be doing something as simple as walking to the store with J and in my head I'm thinking the 101 things that can happen to her.  I notice that I have found a way to deal with my grief and that is to just block feelings out. Just go numb. I have been in counseling and it helped but I think these ways of coping are what have allowed me to continue. There's too much pain to handle and it's overwhelming. I see how other moms of angels have managed to rely on faith to get them through and I wish that was me but I ran away from my faith with josh. Maybe one day I'll be able to re connect with my faith.

-I started writing this on Monday, by Tuesday I knew I was no longer able to manage my depression as I lay in the shower crying uncontrollably. I wrote to my doctor and I will be going back on med's starting this week. Like I wrote above I knew it was coming.

Monday, July 7, 2014

The day that never came

(Drafts that never got published)

It's three days before April 22nd.

Last night as natty lay sleeping while i rocked her before bed, i held her and just closed my eyes and it happened. All my emotions about that day came. I held her and cried, and cried, and cried......I remembered how two years ago i was holding her brother and we had so much hope. He was coming home......That's what hurts the most i think, the fact that we were supposed to be going home SOON after six months we were going home.

Today April 19, i think about how i was sure joshy would come home. Me and Jonathan were fixing joshy's room and if he would sleep in his room or ours. We were in cloud 9

Happy fourth birthday joshy

(This was a draft that never got published)

Happy 4th birthday my drama king. There isn't a day, a second that goes by that you're not in my thoughts. I often see little boys or even your cousins playing and imagine if you would look like them or simply imagine you running around with them. If there's a heaven then I Imagine you're healthy, running smiling & playing with your grandpa. I miss you joshy. Happy birthday my chunky monkey. As you get older and I wonder what life would be like with you here, what you would look like, I know there's one thing I'm sure of, I'm blessed to have the honor of being your mom. I love you my not so little baby, anymore.

Wait, what year is it ?

Hey guys!
yes it's me. Yesenia.
 How long has it been ? I feel like I have a whole bunch of stuff to catch you guys up on but we'll just start off with basic updates.

Natalia is now 3! How did that happen ? For her third birthday we surprised her with a Disneyland trip. The kid LOVED it. We're now planning on getting annual passes. That's my girl, loves her Disney just like her mama. Lol
She talks non stop and her favorite thing to say right now is "oh my god" she's such a little sassy girl and we know she's going to be trouble when she gets to her teenage years. over all she is such a sweet and smart little girl. Very, friendly, very outing, very happy, Loves dancing and overall a VERY healthy little girl

In December of 2013 Me, Jonathan and Natalia took a trip to Nicaragua so natty could meet the rest of Jonathan's side of his/her family. We really loved it down there unfortunately i spend the first week over there sick as a dog. The second week was much better. Natalia got to spend time with her grandma, great grandma , and meet her great great grandma! How cool! This whole trip is going to be another post but i'm just trying to update.

On October of 2013 we found out my brother had advanced non Hodgkin lymphoma. He began treatment later that month and I took on the roll of managing his care. Making appointments, taking him to and from appointments, filling out medical leave papers, etc. The day we were leaving for nicaragua we took him for a PICC line change, turns out he had a infection in his gum and had to stay in the hospital. It was a tough year but I am happy to see chemo worked and as of may he went into remission. He has a follow up pet scan July 27th but so far so good *fingers crossed*

As for me.....
I am still working/being a stay at home mom sort of. You see as I explained before Natty is able to be at work with me which has been a huge blessing to see her grow and be there for her, not miss a thing but it's time for her to start some type of preschool or day care. So she will be going to J's aunts day care 2-3 days a week . She is eager to learn and go to school.

Back to me. It has now been one full year since I have been off my depression meds and off two other meds. How did i manage to do that ? well Jonathan joined a gym and to support him i joined too. Little did i know how much joining that gym would change my life. I have found a healthy way to let out all the anger I feel out. After josh I had and still do have a lot of anger towards life and towards myself, But lifting weights, the gym has helped with all those feelings. I love waking  up early and knowing i'm in control of my body and what it's going to do that morning. Lifting weights, working out is more than just exsircing  for me. Its taking my power back. Its taking my power from my body back, I hated my body after having Josh, It didn't do what it was meant to do but at the gym I'M in control. it has helped as therapy and the results are just a bonus. 

I wish I could post everything else I want to update but the problem is as of right now we only have one laptop which Jonathan uses at work. He is using mine because his $2,300  gamer laptop got stolen. just our luck right ?  I'm working on buying myself a laptop that would i would use just to upload pictures and blog. I MISS BLOGGING SO MUCH!

There's so much more i want to write about but i guess this will do for now.
Here are some random pictures from the past couple of months going back to some pictures from our trip to Nicaragua. I hope to get my laptop soon because there's so much I have to write about joshy and my grief but that's going to be a long post so for now. I leave you with these.