Where I'm at

Where I'm at with grief.
I'm not where I used to be and for that I am thankful but I know there is no end to this type of grief. So I don't know how to explain where I'm at. It varies day by day.

I know in the update I wrote about being off of my depression med's and that has been a huge step for me, but it doesn't mean I don't struggle daily with mental issues. I still take Xanax and nightly ambien. I still have daily struggles that have to do with Josh's loss. I try to manage the best I can. Lately I have been getting closer and closer to going back on Zoloft. I know that even though I have managed to find coping mechanism, when it comes down to it I still have a chemical imbalance that will never let me be"normal" and I'm ok with that. I accept it. The fact that life has thrown curveballs my way to make it even harder to manage my depression and more reasons to be depressed I accept it . So I see as being off med's as a victory but it's doesn't mean I know I won't ever be back on them. I'm ok with being on them and know myself well enough to know that that day is getting closer.

We get asked countless times when we're planning on having another. The though of being pregnant makes me want to have a panic attack. I can't handle pregnancy. I don't have normal pregnancy thoughts when pregnant. I'm on a constant state of panic. Just having natty is a daily struggle for me. I know the thoughts I have are not normal but it's the panic mode in me. Waiting for soemthing to go wrong. Natty will be doing something as simple as walking to the store with J and in my head I'm thinking the 101 things that can happen to her.  I notice that I have found a way to deal with my grief and that is to just block feelings out. Just go numb. I have been in counseling and it helped but I think these ways of coping are what have allowed me to continue. There's too much pain to handle and it's overwhelming. I see how other moms of angels have managed to rely on faith to get them through and I wish that was me but I ran away from my faith with josh. Maybe one day I'll be able to re connect with my faith.

-I started writing this on Monday, by Tuesday I knew I was no longer able to manage my depression as I lay in the shower crying uncontrollably. I wrote to my doctor and I will be going back on med's starting this week. Like I wrote above I knew it was coming.