Wednesday, March 21, 2012

Countdown

It's starting....

The countdown to the day. The memories leading up to the day. How everything was going so well and then just took a turn for the worst. As i wrote in the last post natty's first birthday was keeping me going but now that everything is calm is when i have time to think and remember. You know it's weird. I look at pictures and time has eased some pain, it hasn't healed, who ever said time heals wounds was obviously talking about other type of wounds but not about child loss. Some things have become easier but some are just as they were. He's still the first thing i think about when i wake up and the last thing i think about before i go to sleep.

Everyone has been complaining about the timeline on Facebook, I being one of them but the timeline has grown on me. I looked back at all the post i did during the month of march in 2010. There they are a reminder that we were so close a reminder of a life i didn't ask for but accepted and wanted so bad.

March 20,2010 
jonathan just called to see if our car was ready from getting it's oil changed, first thing he says is "hi can i be transfered to baby castillo" lol we've been in the nicu to long.

March 24,2010
 with my joshua doing alot better , i would like to ask everyone to pray for the rest of the babies in the NICU,especially one who is in very very critical condition may god heal her.

March 24,2010 
 im so bored.....called joshy he's asleep. bored bored

March 24,2010
  what the heck does the phrase "the business" mean, im going to start using it though for example. joshy getting extabated tomorrow is the business ! (yah ???)

March 29,2010
  here we go again, back down..........what happend joshy ? prayers and positive thoughts please.

March 30,2010
  as all of you know josh has had a rough5almost6months&,today the dr tells me&jonathan that joshua has nemonia (sorry about spelling)&his body has gone through so much theyre not sure if he'll make it, she said she is not optomistic &it's up to him, he is on maximun vent high frequency support and on all possible meds. please god, save my little man give him the strength to make it through the next 24 hours.

and then we move on to April. April the month. Here i sit. writing looking back and can remember each and every post i wrote during that time.

Life seems to being moving forward but yet here is sit re-living the past, wishing i could rel live the past. How i long to hold my sweet boy in my arms again. How i long to be able to look into those eyes that had wisdom beyond their years. How i long to have my son. How i long to have seen this blog be a different type of blog, a blog of hope and triumph for other preemie family's instead i see it being a blog of grief and hope yes, hope that life doesn't end and that you can somehow continue to live through the pain.

But if that's the road my life would of taken if joshy was still here, natty wouldn't be here and i can't imagine my life without her...........

Just for warning the readers who read my blog the coming post aside from my big post about natty's first birthday will be pretty depressing. Just me using this outlet i have to write and express my feelings that i am not able to express with no one else. except my good friend. gateway.

Joshy- You have no idea how much i miss you. I look at little boys your age and think about what you would be like, what cartoons shows would you like watching, what would be your favorite food. What you be more closer to your dad by now because he would be playing sports with you and doing boyish things, or would you be closer to me ?  What would your voice sound like ? Who would you look like more ? me or your dad ? I know your around. I feel you around but to have your here is a wish i know will never come true. But boy how do i wish that. I miss you. Plain and simple. I long to hold you, to smell you, to brush you hair out of your face. Although i hate the way things happened i' have said it once and i'll say it once again. I would do it all over. I am proud to be your mother. What a privilege it was to be able to share you with the world. To be chosen to carry you and be called your mom. My joshy. 

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