I haven't blogged in such a long time. The reason for this, i haven't had the energy. How can someone not have the energy to type a couple of sentences on her laptop you may ask ? very simple and complicated, one word DEPRESSION. Most people go through a couple of days of feeling low energy very sad crying spills things like this for oh a couple of days but be able to shake it off and get up and get out. Well not me. I suffer from depression, clinically diagnosed and take medication for it. Many people suffer from a "mental instability" but are to embarassed to admit it or say it for everyone to know, im not. It's part of me.
When Joshy was born although my doctors though because of already diagnosed depression, my post pardum depression risk were very high, somehow i managed to keep it under control. Although having to spend six months in the NICU took some type of toll on me, seeing joshy everyday made my depression disappear, i had a reason to fight everyday to get up and get moving. This was the happiest time in my life, not the easiest, but the happiest, yes there was ups and downs during those six months but as long as joshua was fighting so would I. Along with depression i have anxiety, and panic attacks. I very much dislike bieng in large groups of people, this to became non existent while in the NICU, joshy's NICU social worker knew about my condition and said you could never tell i had these problems because while in the NICU i was able to sit down, some of the country's leading dr, and go toe to toe asking them questions and staying on top of what they should be doing with josh. It wasn't surprising to see me as the LION protecting her young cub, this is what a mommy should do. Moving on to where i'm at now, My depression has consumed my life. I have no life. I read story's of mom's who have lost babies and they continue to live, but not me. My bed, My room the four walls that are inside my room have become my refuge. I eat because I must, jonathan makes me eat if it was up to me, there's no need. I get out of the room, to use the restroom, i have gone days without showering, and going outside,only seeing if its cloudy or sunny from my window. This has not been going on for a week or two, but for about 2-3 months. I have seeked helped and it doesnt seem to be working. I have contemplated entering a mental health facility and am starting to think this may be the only way to get out of this depression. I have been in a deep depression twice before, and yes i have tried committing suicide because have seen no way out. This time i have thought about it, haven't gone through with it, but the thoughts are there. This isn't the life i thought i would be living and to someone reading this it might seem like something very easy to change but when you have lost all hope and feel like there's nothing good left in life, it's not easy. When your brain isn't normal, it's not working the way it should it's not easy. I hate seeing my family see me like this and most of all i hate jonaathan seeing me like this, he has gone through the loss of joshy, and is now has lost me. My body is here, my mind is lost in it's own. In thoughts of sadness, of what should of's and of missing my son so much that life has no meaning.