Wednesday, September 14, 2011

My truth on a rainbow

The title of this post is MY truth, because this is MY truth on what it's like having a rainbow (a baby born after a loss) this may not be how another rainbow mom feel's or thinks, but this is how i feel.

I'll start of with this,

this past week we were at costco buying my mom's birthday gift, we went to the food court because seriously who can resist buying a soda & hot dog for $1.50 ? or a slice of pizza for 2.00 not me, well me and Jonathan each got a slice, I was carrying Natty in our pikkolo (for those of you who don't know it's the most awesome baby carrier, at least i think so =P) we sat down to eat and a young guy about our age, very chatty started commenting on how natty wanted some of our food, she kept reaching for it and looking at me with sad puppy eyes like i hadn't fed her in ages, he started small talk and then asked Jonathan THE question

"is she your first ?"

i was starting to get up when the guy asked this question & i waited for the response

"yeah, she's my first"

Ouch. He proceeded to tell the guy to have a nice day & we walked outside neither of us mentioning what had just happened, yet both of us knowing "what had just happened"

Now two things came to mind,

one, how dare you say she is your first!

two, although it was hard to hear, i must admit i have done this once or twice before.

This one question that's very simple causes a lot of mixed emotions for the following reason, one you know if you answer correctly meaning "no, she is not my first she is my second" you will get the following question "oh how old is your other" how do you answer this question? usually i have no problem answering with the following "my son passed away at six months" at which point the other person gets extremely uncomfortable and it just makes whatever situation weird. It's really a lose, lose situation. In one hand your knowingly about to make the other person uncomfortable, but seriously who cares, your telling the truth and keeping your son's memory alive, but in the other hand, why should you put someone in a situation where the feel uncomfortable or make them feel sorry for you?

Me, personally i have to say i always say "no she is my second", yes i know the akward moment is about to come but i can not bring myself to denying joshua. That does not mean i am not okay with jonathan saying she is because It's not like he's denying joshua, I, more than anyone know how much he loves, how much he misses his little guy, Just today he called me from work saying how he was watching a show on his phone & there was a scene were the guy loses his son & he cried a bit, there is no denying that man loves his son, so even though my answer feels right for me, just because it comes out that easy to say "yes, she is my first" to not have to experience that weird moment after doesn't mean it doesn't torment him inside.

Most people think having a rainbow heals all your wounds. No rainbow's do not heal your wounds, they bring joy back into your life, remind you there is still great things in the world, and that good things can still come your way even after experiencing the worst possible thing that can ever happen to you,

BUT here is MY truth,

Natty has brought joy back into my life, i think I have written that a lot in my blog, it's the truth she has, i could not have asked for a better daughter, seriously she is freaking awesome! sometimes i hold her and just cry because i just love her so much, becoming attached to her has been a struggle and until about two months ago i can honestly say i have really let myself just go with my feelings, let my self completely fall in love with her & just fall head over heels. When she was born i kept waiting for something bad to happen, even now i still do, but it's different, although i am terrified of something happening to her, i am much more in tune with my feelings towards her. I am not sure this is making any sense.....Her pregnancy was very difficult for me, emotionally. I was all over the place because my number one fear was that i was not going to love her as much as josh. Me & josh had a special journey, we have a special story together, i wanted natty so bad and went full force to getting pregnant with her, that when after just two months of trying i became pregnant with her, i was kinda like "wait, i don't think i'm ready" i wasn't ready for the mix of emotions that were about to come along, i felt torn in two. One feel super excited for bringing a new blessing into this world, but in the other feeling super excited knowing that someone new was about to fill our hearts and with that josh was about to be left behind in a way. Of course now with time i have found a middle, how to love natty but still keep joshua's memory alive i think i have found the best of both worlds. It has not been easy by any means and it's a daily struggle, joshy is on my mind everyday, there isn't a day that goes by that i don't think about him, we try to include him into our lives and into natty's life. I did keep out some of his toy's that he used while in the NICU for natty to use & i must say out of all the toys she has these one's seem to be her favorite

see the glow worm mirror she loves this

Do you see it in the upper left hand corner ?

His freedie the dragonfly

See anything familiar ? =)

In a way i like to think he's playing with her too.

I guess my point is being a rainbow parent is hard,
very hard.

In one hand you have your love for the son who has made you into the person you are today, in the other you have this new person who isn't taking over, isn't replacing her brother, but IS bringing joy into her parent's life that had been taken away. You have your should of been life, & this new life. Sometimes you wonder of your should of been life, what would of it had been like right now, it would be completely different you wouldn't be more happier....but it would just be different. This new life isn't easier, it's not better, it's not happier, i just have my little girl to remind me that this new life wouldn't of been possible with out our old one. Everything happens for a reason, Oh how i hate that quote, but true it rings sometimes.

1 comment:

  1. Beautifully written! Just beautiful. Many many hugs to you.