Monday, September 12, 2011


So two weeks ago was the season premier of Dexter, for those of you that are not familiar with this show it's on showtime and it's about a serial killer. This whole show premiering was just a reminder that joshy's birthday is near. Now you may be asking how can Dexter remind me of joshy.

Like anybody who has had a preemie even more with a micro preemie the dr's let you know how important your breast milk is to your baby. "liquid gold" it's called. So after being a couple of hours out of my c-section with joshy in the NICU they brought over the pump told me how to use it and so i started pumping, nothing came out the first couple of times but soon the colostrum (the first milk that comes out during the first couple of days) started coming out. The next day i was obsessed with trying to get as much milk out as possible and thought i wasn't producing as much as i should, so the lactation consultants kept telling me to relax and pump and keep my mind on something else, hold a blanket that had joshy's smell to stimulate the milk to come. Well they were not really giving anything in TV so jonathan had his laptop and on it he had the entire season of Dexter. He had been telling me of the show but i thought it was a crazy show and how could a show about a serial killer be so popular. Well i gave in and said well i'll pump while we see a episode to keep my mind of how much milk i was pumping. So we started watching the first episode and sure enough i had filled up my first little tiny bottle i was so happy and Jonathan was so proud of me. So for the next four days while i was in the hospital, we would go to the NICU to hold joshy go back to the room to eat and then watch dexter while i pumped.
Those days we spend in the hospital felt the most normal as a family, yes joshy was not in the room with us but he was in the same building we were sleeping in. I remember those nights i would be ready to go to sleep and jonathan would tell me i'll be right back im just going to go make sure Joshua is doing okay. He would come back smiling ear to ear. I would wake up in the middle of night to go to the bathroom and Jonathan would be gone, i knew where he was in the NICU checking on Joshua. We had no idea the journey we would be embarking. I can't believe that in a couple of days that was exactly a year ago. I remember the second day sitting down with dr.berrios and julia the resident who might i just add strangely enough both were the Neonatologist who were there when joshua was born and were also the ones who had to tell me joshua would not make it six months later, joshua was born at alta bates and passed away at childrens hospital, it was a big coincidence BOTH were at childrens during joshua's last weeks because all the residents and NEO's rotate between other hospital, four other's if im not mistaken so it was a big coincidence. So getting back i remember the second day sitting down with dr.berrios and julia and both of them telling me we were in for the long haul, of course they meant his due date which was three months away but i dont think anybody could predict that the long haul was really six months and that there would be no happy homecoming instead there would be a service and a funeral.

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