Monday, September 12, 2011

Then there four plus a furball

I'll start of this post with this dream i had last night because i think in a weird way it will help with the rest of the post.

In the dream we had just lost joshy, we had to come back in two days to pick up his body from children's hospital. Me and jonathan go back two days later and they till us they don't have his body, were yelling at the them and telling them what the heck do they mean, they tell us that joshy had passed away but had come back to life the day before, and since they had not heard from us, thought we didn't want him and had giving him up for adoption and that a family had already adopted him and there was nothing we could do. We hire a lawyer and as the days are passing somehow we figure out who the family is that has him through facebook.They have pictures of him. In the dream he is alot older and taller then i remember him, he looks like him,but older and longer, He's grabbing he toes with hands and smiling at the camera. That's when i woke up.

So where do i start, if you are one of my preemie mom's,family or friends with me on facebook you know the latest news. Joshy is going to be a big brother! To be more exact he will be a big brother to a little sister. Everything is going like a "normal" pregnancy, we have been seeing a perinatologist since the first month have been getting a whole bunch of blood work, taking baby aspirin, extra dose of folic acid, just had our anatomy scan last week and amnio fluid, umbilical blood flow, placenta, everything else is going good, we will be having alot more ultrasound's to monitor growth for IUGR but so far everything is looking good. Oh if you are curious we are 21 weeks along.

I have always been honest in this blog, i have written about my depression, about my heart ache, about everything and have always been honest so here it goes.

With this pregnancy has come a lot of hope, not only for me and jonathan but i think everyone around us family and friends. We actually didn't let anyone know we were pregnant until about a week ago, the reason for this is because me and jonathan wanted to make sure everything was going good. To be honest, along with all the happy stuff that comes with a pregnancy, has come a great deal of FEAR and GUILT. Fear of losing another baby, and guilt over feeling like i a somehow replacing joshy. I know this is ridiculous but yet i can't keep from feeling this way, this along with the fear that somehow the love i have for joshy will be greater then the love i feel for his sister. I can't begin to describe it. I haven't been able to enjoy this pregnancy as i think i should be, i think mainly because of the fear of losing her. I find myself getting excited seeing baby clothes, everytime i feel her kick, everytime i have seen her on the screen while getting a ultrasound, and then going right back to that place, of incredible fear. My head, my emotions all over the place. I know the hormones are playing there part in all this as well but ........*sigh*. I have been getting a great deal of support from my mom and my sister, and jonathan of course he's my rock, and from my preemie mom's and friend's, from everyone actually. The number one thing that makes me feel dumb for thinking the things i am

1.thinking that everyone is going to forgot about joshy -
what makes me feel crazy for thinking this is that everyone always mentions joshy, everything with this pregnancy, all the comments i have gotten have been "congrats's joshy is going to be a big brother" and such. My mom my sister are ALWAYS talking about joshy and how picked out his little sister himself and he will always be looking after her. So why am i so worried that people will forget him ?

2.That i am somehow replacing joshy and he is going to get mad at me.
- again no one could ever replace him but yet i feel like he is thinking this, yet this contradicts itself with my thinking that joshy picked out his sister himself and will always look after her.

So many other stuff but i will write about that later.

With the holidays coming up i have something to be thankful for, and a pain that will never go away. my monkey (joshua) will always take care of his peanut (his sister) and me and jonathan will always love both of them, We will always teach peanut about her big brother, her big brother that was a superhero and that looks after her all the time. Joshua will ALWAYS be a part of lives me jonathan, and peanuts. It will always be the FOUR of us, and our doggy alfie,

If you see the picture at the top The stick figure family is in representation of our family, Me,Jonathan,Joshua,Peanut & Alfie.

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