Tuesday, June 8, 2010

grieving.

where to start,
it has now been almost two month (wow) since joshy received his angel wings. I cant seem to believe that i'll ever feel whole again without him. Me and jonathan went to childrens hospital on monday to drop off his DVD video to one of his primary's in day shift. It was very weird because we have visited some of his primary's twice before this time and for some reason monday was different. we saw a lot of his "hospital family" each of them came to give us hugs and ask how we were doing, saying how strong we were to come and visit then it felt like somebody opened a door of emotions for both me and jonathan, for me i started thinking about the prior 5months of walking into that NICU as if it were our house, it was our house, and thinking about how joshy wasnt in room A but in his resting area at the cemetery. we didnt stay for long we just couldn't handle it. This week has been rough, they same time heals wounds but they just seem to become more raw. I don't know how im sopposed to get back to normal, but then i think and know my normal will never be normal, i lost my baby, i'm a mom although my son is in heaven i did have joshua (i have the scar to prove it) he was alive and made me and jonathan the most proudest,happiest people in the world ( we have the pictures to prove it) and he passed after six month. The whole time we were in the NICU me and jonathan knew,or so we thought, we would be walking out with our son, we dreamed and talked about that day at least once a week, that's what kept us going. We never thought we would see our joshy out of the NICU in his resting place. What i guess is hard for people to realize is my whole pregnancy was high risk, i fought so hard for joshy when the dr's were telling me he wouldnt be born,i fought because he deserved a chance, i dont regret the choices i made im just angry that the outcome wasn't how i thought. For the past year it was touch and go with joshy, starting with pregnancy but my little fighter fought. He lived for six months and made me the proudest mom. I miss joshy so much, i miss him in a way that only a mother who has lost a son knows, i dont wish this pain on anyone, it's a unnatural feeling to have to bury your son. That's not what were taught, as parents were sopposed to defend our children against everything and keep them from harm. I feel as though i have failed.

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