Thursday, January 24, 2013

I know.

We commute almost every day.
We live about 45mins to an hour drive on a lucky day from the city. 
Our freeway drive to the city takes us right in front of Oakland children's hospital. Every time we pass I stare. Stare at the Hospital that was IS my second home. I stare where the NICU is and it's like x-ray vision. I can look at where level 3 is and a scenario plays in my head.

I stare and see myself rocking in my rocking chair, the chair doesn't have my name but day after day I have sat in this chair and it's mine. I'm next to joshy's bedside. He's sleeping. I rock back and forth starring at the monitor, beep beep beep. All is well. Maybe I can take a nap before I have to go pump, I close my eyes. An alarm goes off but already accustomed to our beeps I keep my eyes closed. It's not joshy's alarms, it's his neighbors, one of his leads must of come off. Our nurses phone rings, I open my eyes and look at the time, it's six. It must be Jonathan calling to check on Josh. Trish comes over and let's me know it was jonathan, she reminds me I need to eat, I should order my dinner before they stop serving. She's right I haven't eaten. I call and order my usual, Grilled cheese sandwich, tomato soup & soy milk. I let trish know I'm going to go pump and eat dinner in the waiting room. I shouldn't be long. She assures me Josh is fine and to take my time eating.

This scenerio plays in my head, it varies sometimes but the feeling is always the same. We pass and I feel like we just passed home. We need to go back. The hospital starts to fade. I see the rest of the cars and no one even acknowledges the hospital. They don't know part of my heart, my soul was left there the day josh passed. Most don't know there's a NICU. They don't know that right now, there's parent's praying, hoping,wishing for a miracle to save their child. They don't know that they have just passed the Hospital that holds babies that are the most strong spirited, bravest little beings they will ever know. They have no idea & I envy them because some don't even know what a NICU is ! I do, I know what the NICU is. I know.

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