So i have been having been trying to be a bit more positive in life in general, since joshy passed away i became a very angry and secluded person, for those of you that know me, the secluded part is not new the angry part yes. when Joshy was born it's like i became a whole new person, which i did i was a MOM i loved it,although joshy was in the NICU it was like everyday was a new adventure that i looked forward to, seeing my little munchkin growing everyday, it's like the world had just been re-born. I looked at trees differently flowers,the sky, everything i couldnt wait to share this life with Joshua. well six month of joy (yes joy even though there were EXTREMES up's and down's) turned into what is now my life,my new life, my new life without joshua. Seeing everything in a whole new light. a very dark light that i wish and hope one day will become bright again. Joshua brought so much joy not only into my life jonathan's life but everyone around him. Everyone looked forward to meeting my little MIRACLE this little man that had been fighting so hard for life and time and time again had overcome obstacles that dr's said he wouldn't. Through these last few day's i have realized that although i am mourning my only son, so are the rest of my family, because my mom was looking forward to finally being a grandma, my sister a aunt, and everyone else seeing my miracle grow and thrive. I have been reading other angel mommy's blog's and see that they're the only ones that can relate and not read this and say WOW she's crazy, because to other people yes i may be crazy right now, but people have to understand that i have lost my one and only pride and joy, every person deals with grief differently and i know there's no right way but know the way im handling joshy's passing some days isn't right. now i feel like im just rambling on and on............okay so for now i think i'll just leave this post as a ramble and try to get all my thoughts together. moving on-
last week there was some drama going on concerning joshua's site. turns out there was another baby that was going to be burried next to joshy. My heart goes out to that family. well on wed i get a call from my friend scarlet who was visiting joshy with her son tai, they always go and bring him toys and sing to him, I KNOW HE LOVES IT, well she calls me to tell me there was going to be a service that day and they were moving joshy's belonging and throwing them into a box, I WAS LIKE WHAT ! cypress lawn (his cementery) didnt even call me to tell me so i could have his toys and stuff removed, i got so mad, i called the lady who handles the services and she said that there were some issues with how much stuff was in joshy's site, that he had to many belongings and to many flowers and we were only allowed three items including flowers, are they freaking kidding me! i have seen tons of sites with WAY more then three items and they're picking on JOSHY a baby. i was so mad, it was my sister's birthday dinner that night and all i could think about was how joshy didnt have his flowers or toys and they completely disrespected him. well the next day me and my sister went down to talk to the lady and we spend THREE hours negotiating what was able to be in joshy's site. might i add that NO WHERE IN THE CONTRACT does it say that there is only three items to remain at a buriel site. so they tell us it's just a rule and that they try to enforce it on every one WHATEVER there are tons of sites with way more things then joshy had, well i told them that because of what they had done i had, had a panic attack (which is true) and that this is my only son who only had passed away two months ago and they were taking away the only thing that was keeping me from becoming suicidal, being able to come to joshy's site and decorate it and be with him. well after three hours and my sister saying that this was so important that we would get lawyers involved. They had to call the superintended to review joshy site. conclusion to the story, i cant believe that they put me through that, or that they would put ANY family through that, i understand if a site is unkept and is overflowing to the fact that it's going into another persons space but joshy's site is very tidy, me and jonathan go three sometime four times a week to make sure his site is clean and all his dead flowers are thrown away. well joshy's site is back to normal and i hope it stays that way or else cypress lawn will have a very big lawsuit!
with my angel, the only place i can smile.
daddy making sure joshy's site is perfect.
His first set of ears ( im a disney fanatic and always pictured him with his first mickey ears)
all his gifts.