so it has been in a bit since i have written, where have i been ? well i have been reflecting and meditating. if you have read my previous post you can obviously tell i have been through my all time deepest depression. I never thought my first son would pass away, and never thought, our life with him would have been spend in the NICU, and although six months in the NICU is a very long time, me and jonathan were used to it, it was our home, we would come home to sleep and that was about it, if you needed us all you had to do was call childrens hospital get transfered to the NICU and then asked to be transfered to joshua's room, there we were. The nurses became our friends, and the dr's became our friends, we would walk in scrub down and put our things into our locker with all the nurses walking past us saying "hello yesenia Hello jonathan we heard joshy had a good night" every person greeting us. When joshy passed away it was like our life did a 360, our home was gone, our baby was gone, our friends were gone. These past few weeks were spend for me, thinking back about the last few days of joshua's life, that wasn't my son, he had already started slipping away and was hanging on because of the love he felt for me and his dad. I know i will never feel okay with joshua's passing, EVER there will always be a whole in my heart that will never be filled, but every morning i wake up and in my nightstand is my keepsake box my preemie mom's got for me, inside all the letter's from his family his nurses his friends, his neonatologist. i look at it and it is a constant reminder that joshua's life was not in vein, i wont let it be, i want to spread awareness of NEC, i want to help NICU's i want more people to know that prematurity happens in 1 out of every 8 births, and last i want to become a NICU nurse. I spend the day last week reading back on every single one of my post and i read a passage were i had written how " this kid is going to be famous" well joshua, you are! So many people know about your story, and so many people were affected by your life, in a positive way. Each and every day is a struggle to get to know the new me, the mom of angel, the mom of joshua, but i think i finally am coming to peace with keeping your memory alive not by being depressed or crying everyday (yes i still do cry because i will never stop missing my monkey) but by remembering how you were so special, how you amazed all the dr's, how all the nurses loved you, how one tiny person caused such a BIG impact on so many lives.
Joshua, my angel, my king, you are and will always hold a big piece of my heart a piece you took with you the day you left, and a piece that you will return the day were reunited, what will you look like ? will you be just like i remember you, will you have beautiful big wings with a beautiful glowing halo ? will you be older ? for now i will keep your memory in my heart of you smiling and holding on to your monkey binky.