meet my new best friend "gateway"

Today is one of "those" days, the days where every little thing reminds me of joshy but in a sad way, those days where you want to hide in a rock and never come out. The days when i think when the heck is this going to get easier, all things are doing are getting more complicated and all i feel is more pain. My gateway computer has become my bestfriend, i can rely on her to be here for me to express myself and write about my feelings and she wont look at me like i should be in a ward.

I have been thinking about what to do with joshy's clothes. After all they were HIS clothes when i would order online or go to stores i would pick out the clothes just for him. I have had a couple of thoughts, thought 1. donate some of the clothes to the NICU, thought 2. make little gift bags for parents of boys in the nicu with a letter from joshua. thought 3. save the clothes for a future baby boy...........hmmm i dont know. How would joshy feel sharing his clothes with his brother ? he never was much of sharer he was spoiled and ALWAYS got what he wanted, ask the nurses. I guess for now they can stay in the plastic container kept away with all his other items like his crib which is still in a box in the garage, his bassinet still in a box in the garage. That's not including his NICU items that are at his grandparents house, they took them there the day he passed because they thought it would be to much for me to have them at home. I cant even think about going through all those items, his blankets, HE HAD A TON for those of you that have had a NICU long term baby you understand that sometimes the only way to make your baby's crib feel like HIS is giving him his own blankets. The nurses always joked that all the other babies were jealous of joshy because his mommy would decorate his crib the with every little detail, his sheets ALWAYS matched. he had his wall of pictures and his toys for every holiday that passed. My brother in laws (who's like my dad) grandma (who is like my grandma she's seen me grow up and i call her grandma_) has offered to make a quilt with all of joshy's clothes and blanky's but first i need to go through his things and i cant even do that yet.

So i know some angel mom's will understand me and some might not, and i know that "normal" people might not get me at all but here are my confessions.
I can't stand seeing babies, it makes me think about how unfair life is and why i couldn't have my joshy. I cant stand seeing pregnant women complaining about their pregnancy do they have any idea how LUCKY they are to have such a precious gift and your complaining about it! yuck. I confess that i have thought about suicide and i confess i was close to doing it,but i know well although im in a scuffle with GOD and my religion and am questioning everything about faith, i have taught i will not end up with my son but rather in limbo, thinking about NEVER seeing joshy makes the thoughts go away, they come back, but its a day by day. I confess that every second of my day is thinking about joshy, wishing that there were wishes and that joshy was here with me. and finally i confess that i feel guilty when i am having a good day with Jonathan or my family because i feel like i should feel shitty ALL the time, i feel like i made my baby go through hell by bieng poked and stabbed and messed around with because i wanted the dr's to do everything to save his life, but then i think im proud i was so involved with joshua's care, i was there all day asking the dr's questions looking up things on my own coming up with my own ideas of how joshy could get better, when i wasnt in the nicu i was re-searching what can the dr's do to help joshy. I confess that i MISS the NICU, i miss the nurses the staff the RT's although i spend some horrible times in there but it was HOME for six months and it taught me one thing, I think my calling is to be a nurse a NICU nurse to be more exact. hmmm interesting you would think i would never want to see the inside of a NICU again but everything seems so familiar so HOME, and i feel like i would have joshy next to me protecting the babies im helping.

Joshua,
you will and forever be the love of my life, yes daddy is my love, but YOU, you my angel are my heart you are my PRIDE, you made me such a proud mommy, you were such a perfect baby, all the nurses loved you and all the dr's did too. You had an energy about you that people were drawn too, they just wanted to hold you and be around you. I'm sorry for crying every day and sorry for maybe making you think your causing mommy so much pain, it's just that mommy LOVED you so much that she would of done anything to save you. Joshy i know your looking over dad and I but i hope your having fun if any baby deserves it YOU DO MY LOVE. i know you loved mommy A LOT i know that's why you held on FOR six month and gave the BEST fight any dr or nurse had seen in a long time. for that and for choosing me to be your mom i will forever be grateful and proud to say you ARE my son. How many mommy's get to have a son that did so much in just six short months of life? not many but i did Joshy, you were a MIRACLE from conception and you will and forever be the other man who hold my heart, although you might have futre brother's and sister's they will know how there brother was AMAZING and how they have a big brother that looks down on them and protects them. i love you, forever, for always, untill i hold you again.