For the last couple of weeks i've been feeling alone. I have a wonderful group of people i have met that are mom's to angel's and their support is amazing and their words kind, but all of them lost their baby's at a couple of days old, or while in utero, of course my situation is different, joshy was six months old, i had got to know him for a year, six month while in my belly and six month's after birth, he had a personality, he had likes and dislikes. I'm in no way saying my pain is more severe then these parent's im just saying it's different. We had spend six months in the NICU with always hope of bringing him home, and we were so close, one foot in the NICU one out. I still don't know how he got so sick, i know all the dr's blame it on the prematurity, yes he was small, but he had over come so many obstacles, his last, eating, finally on full feeds after six months, off everything, and then over night become so sick and two day's later pass away. Is there something i missed ? did something happen in the hours me and jonathan were away from the NICU sleeping that got him sick? There i go with the what if's, i know they only make things worse because let's say something did happen, it wouldn't bring joshy back. I can't believe my little boy fought so hard to live, to just have to leave, i hate hearing "well his prematurity lead him to so many problems" or " well there was something not right with him from the start that's why your blood came back so abnormal" blah blah BLAH!! i guess with joshy's birthday coming up, thinking he should of been turning one, and we should of been planning this big halloween costume party, instead i'm excited about when his tombstone should be arriving, how sick.
well last week i ask jonathan where was his memory box the hospital had made for joshy the day he passed, with his footprint handprint lock of hair, well his told me my stepdad had hiddin it in the china cabbinet downstairs, i guess i thought i was ready to see it,well of course i go downstairs and open the cabbinet door and i see the box but in front of it, joshy's favorite blanky, you know in the movies where they show someone looking at something and the show the scenes of what that person remembers about that object, well that's what happend, i remembered the last time i held joshua with that blanket, i closed the door thinking started crying and ran upstairs. obviously im still not ready to look at some stuff, which i dont get because i have a memory box right next to my nightstand with joshua's first outfit, it was preemie outfit and it was so big on him, he looked so cute, it had a matching bib that had little dinasours and said snugglasorous, in it is also a micro preemie diaper and the size diaper he used when he passed away, along with his first binky and the little googles they put on his eyes to not harm them from the billi lights when he was born. I have looked at those stuff a dozen times since he passed but with a smile, yet somehow when i saw his blanky it brought me back to a dark place.