Friday, November 4, 2011

My calling

These last couple of weeks i've been feeling the weight of the world on my shoulders.

Not sure why i'm feeling so down or why i feel certain feeling of grief that had been 'resolved' in my eyes are coming back.

I've been open about my issues with depression here, i feel it coming back but in a different way. Now i wonder if it's depression or Post traumatic Stress Disorder mixed in with my anxiety issues & deppresion, plus panic attacks and you have yourself a very unbalanced feeling women over here.

I really feel that i have come a long way with dealing with what's happened in the last two years with out seeking help. Well i take that back because i was actually seeing a psychologist for the first two months after joshy's death but decided i could deal with my issues on my own. I still feel that way in a sense, but i think it would help me to talk to someone about everything new that seems to be going on now.

I am a rainbow mom, and a mom to angel.

I am trying to parent natty while still holding on and keeping joshy's memory alive plus i think i'm finally starting to see the long term trauma that comes along with having gone through the NICU roller coaster. I feel my mind going to everything that happened and thinking 'did that actually happen' ? Did we really go through six month's in the NICU and come out with out our son ? Was my first pregnancy everything other then a what a first time mom expects ?

I'm really good about seeing what it is that sets off my 'triggers' and with these last two week i think looking at everything i can see why i feel so very overwhelmed.

I find it very amazing that i am joshua's mother. Although my mission after his death has always been to keep his memory alive with his family i also wanted to spread his story and keep his memory alive with everyone he touched through his six short months of life. My mission has been very successful and i feel like i am making a difference in helping at least one family that feels alone in their NICU ride.

Although i am 26 until recently (although i have mentioned it here before) i really feel that my calling in life is to be a NICU nurse. Although through high school and even when i was little when anyone ever asked what do you want to be, i would say a veterinarian. Although i love animals especially dogs that is not what i wanted to spend my whole life doing, then i thought i am really good at sales and while working at nordstrams i could really see myself as moving up in the company, i don't want to toot my own horn but i had a lot of management already looking at me as a good candidate for higher positions after only one month but that didn't feel like what i wanted to do to, it was REALLY good money but i really felt i wanted to make a difference in people lives and no way was i going to acomplish that by working there.

Although i would be a hypocrite by saying i have found a meaning on why i have gone through this whole journey, or why my son had to spend six months in the NICU only to pass, i have found a purpose. But i am terrified by following this purpose that i know in my heart, in my soul, is my life's calling, is my way of honoring josh and keeping his memory alive, my way of making a difference in someone's life.

I wonder if this is what people talk about when they say they 'hear' the voice of god telling them what it is there supposed to do......


Have you ever felt chills, felt goosebumps, felt like things in your life have led you to this exact same place your at, and a light bulb in your head finally went off. That's how i feel. But like i said i am TERRIFIED.


I want to follow through, but know there's a couples of steps i must take in order to be 'ready' to start this journey and so my first step is to seek help to 'deal' with everything that happened in the last two years, on Tuesday i set up a appt with my psychologist and this Monday i will go.


I know this whole being a NICU nurse calling might seem weird & crazy, after all why would i want to be in a career that will put me back in a place where i spend THE most significant time in my life, a place that was so traumatizing, a place that will put me back face to face with the sadness that comes with what i went through......

I have spent a lot of sleepless nights chatting away with Jonathan and telling him about my 'calling' and he is my biggest supporter. He really believes i would be great at it.


I saw this video recently and while seeing it i thought about this

I want to be that nurse that is able to hug a mom and say  I KNOW what you are going through! My story did not end well but i WILL do everything i can to make sure you son, your daughter is at home where he or she belongs.













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