New year 2016

Happy new year!
Wow. I can't believe it's 2016. Looking back to when I started this blog I can't believe how far it's kept going. My only wish is I would have more time to actually blog. One day I keep saying, but the truth is I'll never blog as often as I wish or as I once did.

I'm on school break right now and go back January 25th. School has been so great for me. It has been difficult, but oh so rewarding. I have never felt like I was going towards something in life until now. In Psychology I learned about Maslow's Hierarchy of needs and everything made sense. While listening to the lecture my professor was giving about each level and how a person can't fulfill their higher purpose until each need is met was, it was life changing. I know that might seem like an exaggeration but it's not. All of the sudden things made sense.

Anyways, that's where I'm at as far as school. In other new's I had upper eyelid surgery in both my eyelids to lift them. I have a lazy right eye that was starting to interfere with my vision and my surgeon decided it would be best to lift both of them. I had the surgery on Jan 6th. The surgery served as a big reminder. I'm ok being in a hospital setting as long as I'm there taking care of someone and not the patient. The surgery was done in the operating room and I was to receive enough med's to just make me "relaxed" but that didn't go so well. I was in the pre op area with my nurse Melissa who was just absolutely wonderful. I told her I was going to school to pursue nursing and she gave me some "tricks" to putting in an IV. I even shared the story about Joshua and she told me about how her friend experienced something similar. The pre-op scene was going great. I wasn't worried or nervous. In fact the nurse and surgeon joked Jonathan looked more nervous than I did like he was getting surgery. All was well and the anesthesiologist came and put the cocktail med's in my IV. I said bye to Jonathan and they wheeled me down to the OR and that my friends is when my beloved PTSD kicked in. I'm not sure if it was a mix of the med's or being wheeled into an OR room again and seeing those big bright lights shining down. They positioned me and everything started rushing back. The birth of Joshua and everything that came with it. All of it. I told the anesthesiologist if the meds would help with anxiety and he said yes they should. He asked if I suffered from anxiety and I began breathing harder. I seriously felt like running out. The meds started kicking in by this point but not enough to keep me from feeling like I couldn't breath and wanting to start sobbing. I told him I did suffer from anxiety and PTSD then then the nurse informed him it was in my records I suffered from panic attacks. He walked on over and who know's what he gave me because I remember the nurse asking me if I felt better and I remember trying to answer back but not being able to then I remember nothing. I woke up in Post Op with J holding my hands and the nurse explaining to him they had to "knock me out" Once I came to he asked if I was ok. First thing I said was I couldn't handle it. It reminded me of and I didn't have to finish the sentence because Jonathan finished it for me.

It has been a bit hard since then. I have buried certain memories and feeling in order to function. In order to survive and in one second all those feelings came back. I'm using these days to re-compose myself. I know it might seem crazy that I'm pursuing a career to hopefully one day lead me to the NICU but it's completely different. I feel comfortable being in a medical setting. Just not as a patient. I want to help and take care of people. This is my path of that I'm certain. January 25th I will began another stepping stone in my journey.