I had a dream two nights ago.
In it I was taking natty a bath and for some unexplainable reasoning left the room and came back to find her floating. She was purple and blue and cold so very cold. I hugged her and talked to her and rubbed her arms to try to bring her back to life. After a while of doing this she finally woke up. Then I woke up from my dream, more of a nightmare really crying. Natty was sound asleep .
Since then I have thought about how much I love her,what I would do if anything where to ever happen to her, how much of me is represented by her now. I know what it's like to loose a child.
I have written before how it took me a while to fall in love with her. But now My guard is non exsistant around her. I have allowed myself to envision her future , to plan her future, to have every inch of my body love her in ways that I thought I would maybe never be able to.
To have this dream has shaken my core. I have been rocking her to sleep more, holding her asleep when I could easily lay her in her crib, staring at her and admiring her beauty, how smart she is becoming, what an amazing little girl that her brother sent us.
I had become safe in my feelings, keeping a bit of my paranoid 'I might loose this one too' persona but mostly in the back of head. I know find myself back to that place x10. Thinking about morbid things that can happen and all the dangers that are out in the world that might take her away from me.
I must admit maybe part of this is connected to the fact in just one month. She will be one. My baby girl is on the road to growing up. Much more independent and figuring things out on her own.
But then it goes deeper then that. Whenever I say something about what if anything were to happen to natty Jonathan tells me "nothing is going to happen to her we've suffered enough" I like to believe this is true that somehow that's the way the universe works,
"you my dear lost a child, no way would I take two from you, carry on a happy life"
I wish this was some universal law but we all know that it isn't. In fact most people that have gone through something terrible in their life continue to experience horrible things and we think
"really?! Shouldn't they have a free pass like in monopoly ?"
Wish it worked that way but it doesnt.i have a promise of myself to let my past , the feelings of paranoia affect the way I interact with natty. She deserves me the 100% me not the half assed me because I think "is the day, is the day my happiness will come crashing down AGAIN" this is not to say these thoughts are not in my head, they are, every second but I refuse to let it control me. I can't. My living child deserves to feel me present , to have ME , maybe I little more cautious mom then others but a mom that loves her more then words can describe and a mom that is fully present with her. Losing my first born prepared me to be a better mom. I enjoy every accomplishment a little more, have a little more patience at 3 am when all I want is for my baby girl to go to sleep, I cherish every sticky kiss, I look forward to see what new thing she learned even if that means that new thing is crawling or very soon walking which means I will be a very tired momma.
I've been waiting for you motherhood and I'm going enjoy you! Because it can be taken away at any second.
In the words of a song by eve the. Rapper
"it took a while to get me here and I'm going to take my time"