Staying alive
I've never been one to show much emotions. Even as a little girl, my mom will tell me stories of how I was always quite, shy & didn't cry. To the point that my older sister wasn't really the best big sister when I was a baby & tried poisoning me, putting rubber bands on my toes among other things & I did not cry. It wasn't until they found marks on my body and put one and one together that they realized what was happening.
I don't show emotions.
I suffer from depression, which in itself can be summed up into a giant ball of sadness and emptiness, but when it comes to me expressing my emotions, whether it be fear, anger, resentment, hurt or pain I don't.
I'll draw a blank stare and just hold everything inside.
It's my way of coping.
It's my way of surviving.
It's my way of dealing with life.
I've used this blog as a way to document my grief & survival after losing Joshua, but there is a lot that transpired during that period of time that I haven't written about. It all ties in with my way of coping & of not feeling.
During Joshua's last month in the NICU my father had a stroke and then a month after Joshua passed so did my father. Although Joshua was stable when my father had his stroke, I was faced with the difficult choice of either going to El Salvador to see my father one last time or stay with my son whom I knew could spiral down fast & it could be a couple of days before I could get back to him... Two of the most important individuals in my life needed me and I could only be there for one. I chose to stay with Joshua & although I don't regret the choice it still haunts me.
Growing up I had the picture perfect childhood. You name it, I had it.
Trips to Disneyland, road trips all the way to Mexico, summers in El Salvador filled with laughter.
When I say I was daddy's little girl I mean it. I was his last daughter, the baby & he made sure anything I needed I had.
My father, as a father was perfect.
As a man he had many, many faults, but as a father he was there in every sense of the word.
When I was ten my father & mother separated and after a year my father decided since he was retired it would be best for him to move back to El Salvador. I didn't express it at the time, but I felt abandoned. I was still a child & didn't really grasp that his life would be better over there financially than living here, but I felt as though I wasn't important enough for him to have stayed. I think that's when my feelings of self worth started....Who know's, perhaps they were there before & it wasn't until then that they surfaced. I would go spend summers with him in El Salvador through the years and he would come visit through out the years as well. We would talk a couple of times a week & he would write letters to me.
Endless amounts of letters. I treasured them.
When I became pregnant with Joshua I told him & he was over the moon excited. As the months progressed & we found out just how high risk of a pregnancy it was I tried my best to explain to him, but he didn't really grasp the idea. No one really did, so I don't blame him. Joshua was born & as the months progressed I tried my best to keep him updated. My days were spent in the NICU with only going home at night to sleep, shower & then head back to the NICU. During this period is when my father had his stroke & I didn't really want to realize just how bad it was because I had to try to be coherent for Joshua. In one side I had my father on the phone, barely able to speak to me & me trying to process this. The most important man in my life could barely speak to me over the phone & he was hundred of miles away with me not being able to go see him.
I was completely helpless. I felt useless as a daughter.
As the weeks progressed he did too all the while Joshua's condition worsened. It was a balancing act. One would get better & the other would get worse. It was all happening simultaneously.
During Joshua's last two weeks he completely recovered. If you've read previous post you know we had the meeting with his Dr's. He was a week away from coming home before he passed away. All the while my father was in another part of the world and his health was plummeting fast. How fast, I had no clue until it was too late.
Joshua passed away & still to this day I am unable to fully comprehend the pain that I felt that day. I went numb. I don't think I've ever recovered from it. Or, better yet, I don't think I've ever allowed my self to fully, I mean fully feel what it felt like to lose him. A couple of weeks later I get the call that my father had passed away. I can't explain or put into words what went through my head at that moment.
I just went numb and to be honest I think I've been numb ever since.
I have this fear of letting people get to close to me, not because I think i'll hurt them, but because I don't want to lose them. I have this barricade over my heart.
It's just grown even more through the years honestly to the point that it took me a couple of months to fully allow myself to get attached to Natalia. I'm ashamed & embarassed to say it, but its true.
How sad is that ? I'm so afraid of feeling anything that it took me a couple of months to fully feel attached to my own daughter.
I don't get attached.
To anyone.
To the point that I feel emotionless & robotic like. It's a self defense mechanism because I've felt pain that I wish upon no one & I rather close myself off completely than feel anything remotely close to feeling any type of loss ever again.
I just don't feel.
It's not that I don't care. It's that I care too much & I close myself off from allowing myself from becoming vulnerable.
I care.
I care deeply & intensely, but I don't become attached & I don't feel.
It's not the best way of living, but it's my way of surviving.
I know i've gone through trauma & i've grieved in my own way, but part of the grieving was me learning how to survive and that meant just going numb. It's not the best way of living & I know it's all catching up to me.
Almost nine years of just ignoring the pain is not actually me living. It's just me ignoring feelings & emotions that are a normal part of being human.
But, how does one learn to show emotions when they've experienced some of the worst pain imaginable simulatanously and just went numb to it.
It was too much to feel all at once.
It was too much to comprehend all at once.
It was too much to deal with all at once.
I don't talk about this, ever.
There's so much I just hold inside & compartmentalize. I've learned to survive that way. We as humans find a way to get through life in both healthy & non healthy ways, these are just mine.
I realize I need to go through these emotions eventually.
I need to learn how to feel.
I need to learn how to trust.
I need to learn how express myself.
My mother is getting older & I feel myself closing myself off more and more. It's because as she gets older the thought that one day she might not be here becomes more apparent & instead of gravitating towards cherishing every single moment I have with her I'm choosing to go numb. I can't imagine a life without her. It's too much to even begin to imagine so I don't.
I just don't feel. And, I need to. I know I do.
I know it's not normal for me to behave this way towards people I care about. But, how does one begin to change when it's just become second nature ? How does one begin to want to feel attachment towards individuals when they know they could feel an ounce of pain thats unbearable ?
I don't know....
I want to be better.
I want to show emotions & not be this individual who just closes herself off because she's afraid to feel loss or pain or anything really.
I want to feel, but it's terrifying.
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