Back where it all began

The Butterfly Garden at Oakland Children's Hospital. It's where I was finally able
to hold Joshua outside for the very first & last time.

Two posts in a two weeks span ? I think we might have a little come back going on!

If you're one of the very few, few people who still reads my blog you might notice things look a little different.  I have been wanting to change up the look of the blog in an attempt to get me to start writing again. That's actually not the reason why I ultimately decided that this Friday night I would do just that, but we'll get to that later on. I ultimately choose this design and am pleasantly happy with it. I know there are many other blogging sites now and some offer way more flexibility on the designs they offer, but there's no way I could ever leave blogger.

So, what made me want to re-design the blog and even start writing again ? Writing is one of my coping mechanism and it has been a LONG time since I have needed to use ALL of my coping mechanism, but I quickly realized last week that I was going to have to start dealing with emotions that I had put into a little box, far, far away from where I could remember. Not forget, but just not remember to be able to move on.

I have hesitated in writing what I'm about to share for many, many reasons. But, in the last couple of years I have learned to know myself. Funny, right ? that a person has to get to know themselves. Well, if you read my last post you're aware I am officially back in the NICU as a baby holder. I worked towards getting this opportunity and being back in there felt exactly how I expected. The moment I walked through those doors I felt home. I know many NICU moms want nothing to do with the NICU, but I have yearned to be back not in the way of being a NICU mom does, but in a sense of wanting to help and give back.

In a way to give you a sense of what becoming a baby holder in the NICU is like I will provide enough information that I feel is adequate without providing enough information that I know I shouldn't be. Sounds fair ?

Well, to become a NICU baby holder you must go through weeks of being mentored by a veteran baby holder to help you become familiar with everything. Except, well I am a little too familiar with everything so there's some room for flexibility. My first day of being mentored was last week & I when I tell you I was ready I mean it. There was no anxiety beforehand, there was no hesitation, there was no emotions of "can I handle this?" I was ready. And, what happened last week reflected that. On my first day and in my first 5 minutes my mentor allowed me to love on my first preemie. She was absolutely lovely. She also happened to be in the same room and just two spots away from Joshua's spot in the NICU. So, is this where you think I started to get a rush of emotions ? Would you be surprised if I told you I was completely fine ? There I sat rocking this little precious girl and I was fine. I spent a total of 4 hours that day cuddling on three different baby's and through out those hours I was fine. I walked out of the hospital to commute back home and I still felt Ok. No rush of emotions  , no anxiety, no sense of I'm not Ok. And, I guess that's where I should have sensed that I was in fact not Ok. What do I mean by that ? I don't mean that I wasn't Ok in the sense of this was way more than I expected. I mean I wasn't Ok because I wasn't allowing myself to feel emotions that I knew I wanted to feel. I felt that if I allowed myself to feel these things I was in a way letting myself down because how could I say that the NICU is where I want to be if I was allowing myself to feel these feelings. Does that make sense ? The rest of the day was very somber. It was supposed to be a very exciting day and it felt mellow dramatic.......It wasn't until later that night that I allowed myself to process everything and was honest with myself. Yes, that was a lot to take in on the first day and no matter how much time has passed I had something very traumatic happen in the NICU and it's Ok to feel certain emotions because i'm human. I feel. And, by allowing myself to feel I realized I was doing what I should be doing and that is dealing with the feelings and allowing myself to feel a certain way. It was Ok. I was going to be Ok.

If this was a couple of years ago I know what I would have done and that is push those feelings aside and disassociate myself from the situation.

I went into my second shift this last Thursday & was able to talk to someone within the hospital that has known me since Joshua was there and who I am able to confide in. And, this person made me realize that what I was going through was completely valid & it was Ok.

I don't want to divulge anymore, but I realize how important it is in my journey to be honest with myself & to not think less of myself because I feel a certain emotion while in the NICU. Before, I felt that if I showed or admitted any type of negative emotion it would invalidate my want to become a NICU nurse. Does that make sense ?

I went back in forth if I should share this, but I hope as always to be honest and truthful. I also realize how important it is for me to be honest with myself first and foremost. My first shift did shake me up a little, but I am extremely happy to report that after my second shift I was able to process my emotions and it was actually a really great day both in the NICU and out. I hope to continue sharing my journey on here, but most of all I am happy to be able to say how happy I truly am at this point in my life to be back in the NICU.